Striving for Peace

Just the phrase "striving for peace" hits me as an oxymoron. If I'm striving, how can I be peaceful? If I ask myself honestly what success means to me, it means having a character that brings light into the world and reflects the good. If I'm emotionally reactive, grumpy, depressed, or otherwise dark inside my soul, I'm furthering darkness and not light. Success also means putting love into everything I do and everyone whose life I touch. This is not easy when you were raised with no chores and a maid. How do I put love in to mopping the floor? I've never really made friends with chores. Making a choice to put love into them does not come naturally. But what is the alternative? Resenting them? Who does that hurt? Me. And it's okay not to do every chore all the time. Allow a little imperfection in life. The dirt hurts me a lot less than my resentment -- or my quest for the unattainable perfection I somehow picture in my head. Success is a healthy spirit.

This was not modeled for me by my dad. Right now I am fighting my daddy's demons. Impatience. Perfectionism. Internal expectation to succeed financially. Efficiency -- take the shortest route from A to B. Leave early so you don't hit traffic (then stress when you do anyway). Try to time the traffic lights (then curse when someone else's driving messes it up). Get angry anytime you have to wait. Believe that you did everything you were supposed to so that life would go a certain way and blame God that He did not deliver. And when the resentment is about to boil over, have a few drinks and behave however you feel like. This is not to criticize my father. It is to "call a thing a thing" and learn from it rather than just going along with my early programming -- which is still amazingly strong. My father's father traveled a lot, and I don't think he spent much time with my dad. My dad learned that achieving got him attention and made everyone happy. He became a super achiever, attending Harvard University at age 16 and getting A+'s in math. Math is nice. It always works out. But then WWII happened, and his plans changed. Finances deviled him. My only example of watching him solve problems was when he helped me with my math homework. He was great at it. But day-to-day life problems were not handled calmly. He reacted with anger and I responded with fear. This is one reason I feel so strongly about the importance of the spirit in our lives. My heavenly Father is my ultimate Father, and I can follow His example. He can give me peace when the world is taunting me. He can fill me with light to get me through the darkness. He supercedes my earthly father. He is bigger than the alcohol, the anger, the resentment, and the impatience that I too struggle with.

I am still sensitive and I naturally respond with fear in the face of anger. And I am tempted to respond with anger and resentment when life is not fair. These are the forces of darkness that threaten my success. The war between darkness and light is not mine to win, but the battles inside my own mind are mine to face up to. I can't keep a bird from landing on my head, but I can keep it from building a nest in my hair. I am human and I am not impervious. I feel it when someone is mean. But my feelings can't run the show. They can run to God, and to my spirit, and we can decide together how to respond. We can learn. We can invite the lesson. And we can shake off the bad stuff we did not cause and can't fix. I'm not the master of the universe. God is. I can be the master of my thoughts. Even when things go wrong. Even when my hopes are crushed. I always have a choice. And, when I truly live each moment, I can remember that.

Facing "that thing"

Some of you knew exactly what I mean by "that thing" because you have one too. Those who don't get it, just go thank God. For the rest of us, you know, that "thing" that keeps you up at night, that gets under your bones and stabs at your soul. That "thing" that you want so bad and keep hitting brick walls as you try to achieve it. It could be losing 10 lbs., or 100+ lbs. It could be that you want a life partner and you keep meeting a series of Mr. or Miss Wrongs. People ask you what you're doing to attract this in your life. They try to help. They give advice. Or they are truly confounded and say things like "I'm just so lucky I met my soul mate and we are rapturously happy with very little effort." Or "I'm just naturally thin, and I've never had to work at it." Or "It was easy to build my practice. A friend retired and gave me all of her clients. I never had to cold call or advertise."

In my case, it's career fulfillment. Actually, it's income. We all need it. God knows we need it. God promises to provide. He has kept His promise. Just not the way I prefer -- with my earning enough money to take care of all my responsibilities. When more money goes out than comes in, hard decisions must be made every day. The obvious solution is to work toward earning more income. Get a job. Grow a business. So you swing the bat. You miss. You keep the faith and keep swinging. You try a different bat. A different sport. And before you know it you are lost in too many options and variables with no idea which one is going to get results. It's a loop I've been in for nearly two years.

If you are in this loop in any area of your life, you know what I mean. And just knowing someone knows what I mean is helpful. That's one reason I write this blog. I know I'm not the only one feeling what I feel. And what are those feelings? Discouraged. Frustrated. Confused. A very sore head from hitting closed doors.

Feelings aren't everything. Wallowing in them is not productive. But they serve a purpose, and probably a number of purposes. They keep you humble. They give us compassion for others. Pain acts as sort of a heart tenderizor. It deepens my faith. Who's going to love me in this unattractive state? God will. He does. I know that. But he doesn't give me everything I want when I want it. He makes me wait. He tells me "no" sometimes. He truly works in mysterious ways. I do not understand, but I hold onto my faith. And I pray.

So how do you pray about "that thing" you've been praying about for a long time? My prayers start with gratitude for what I have. I pray for guidance. I pray for courage and strength. I pray for knowledge of God's will and the power to carry it out. Maybe I don't see the value in the "non-thing things" I do like care for my home, my husband, my animals, loved ones and friends. It's hard to remember that vacuuming has value. Maybe cleaning can bring clarity. Maybe music will help bring harmony. Maybe "the thing" needs less attention rather than more. I don't know. So I pray. I vacuum. I clean. And I sing. None of those things has ever financially supported me. But maybe doing them has supported others. Every day I can do something that shows love to someone else. Then maybe one day, I'll have been so immersed in loving others that I will look around and find "that thing" has resolved itself.

Here's to Harmony

The words “in harmony with humanity” have been going through my head. I think of them as I take a walk, call people, and just observe others throughout the day.

It’s so easy to judge. So easy to think “what a jerk,” or “such bad manners,” or even worse, pity someone. Pity is sooooo arrogant.

We watch TV and see the beautiful people with scripted lines and sculpted bodies and we subliminally interpret that as “normal” and “acceptable.” Like thinking people on the beach should look like the actors on Baywatch or something. Then you go to the beach and wonder what happened.

Being in harmony means adjusting our expectations. Looking beneath the surface. And realizing what we see is just a small part of the whole. I try to remember that someone who cuts me off on the road may be in a hurry to an ill loved one’s side. Or the checker who moves slowly may have been up all night with a crying baby. Even the lady in the park talking on her phone while her dog runs loose and terrorizes others may have a story. Or not. But she’s a human being who is more than her momentary irresponsible behavior. My being irritated at her only agitates me. I get the ulcer, not her.

My being at peace with imperfection is a much healthier state of mind and body. And it’s my choice, day by day, moment by moment. Digest the beauty. Spit out the ugly. Love unconditionally. God is watching. And He is on our side.

Memorable Musical Moments

I can’t imagine what my life would have been like without music in my heart. My mother played piano, harp, and violin, and I’m sure I heard music while in the womb. Now, there are studies that show the value of hearing music even before you are born.

I had my hands on the piano keys before I could walk. And, I probably sang before I could talk.

I took traditional piano lessons, but I was not patient with note reading. It was much quicker to watch the teacher’s hands and play by ear. I took guitar lessons and learned to read chords. From then on, I could express myself musically, and I only read notes when I had to.

My most memorable concert experience was seeing Elton John when I was 14. He ROCKED that piano! I bought sheet music and learned his songs note-for-note. I will confess that I am also a Barry Manilow fan (in this video I am playing Barry's song, "Ready to Take a Chance Again"), and I love Neil Sedaka. Y’all don’t know what you are missing! Them boyz can whip those chords around like a cotton candy machine!

In 1992, I entered a contest to sing the "National Anthem" at Dodger Stadium, and I won! That experience led me to meeting Denny Martin, a local music producer, and recording songs in his studio. He was “instrumental” in teaching me how to write my own songs. He moved his studio to Nashville, and I have loved recording with him there. The musicians collaborate and “play” off of each other. The process is very organic. And I learned expressions like “y’all” and “throw it in the deep fryer.” Somehow I became a country singer-songwriter. I guess God gave this California girl a twanger. But that does NOT mean that the songs I write are "three chords and a cloud of dust."

Denny introduced me to #1 hit songwriter, the late, great Alan O’Day of "Undercover Angel," "Angie Baby," and "Rock 'n Roll Heaven" fame, and I had the privilege of writing songs, taking piano lessons, and performing live with him. I carry his legacy forward with a renewed passion for music and a desire to encourage others to follow their musical dreams.

My husband (Bob) was my band partner for many years before we were a couple. We make music together. It brought us together and it keeps us together. And, I was just reminded today that Alan O’Day sang “At Last” for our “first dance” song. I’ll post that video one day. It’s still too soon after Alan’s passing last May for me to watch it without going into the ugly cry.

My mom and I taught my children songs on the piano. Now I teach my grandchildren. My two-year-old grandson is already composing. Ok, it’s kind of banging and making dragon sounds, but it’s a very impassioned start!

Music has been more than a lifelong companion for me. It has been a place I can retreat to when the real world is stressing me out. Music is where everything makes sense. Like any long-term relationship, sometimes it’s work. But mostly it’s a little butterfly on my shoulder reminding me, “I’m still here.” I hear you. Ok music, you have my attention. And I’m going to share you with everyone who is open to having you in his or her life.

Life requires us to take chances. Are you ready? You get what you get when you go for it! Here’s to the next step on this harmonious journey. Let's take it together!

Here's to the Whole Chicken

I think too much of my world view is formed by Facebook. Less so from TV, as I can discern pretty quickly what is going to drag me down. The black-and-white political posts on Facebook show that people care about this country, and they are passionate about fighting for it. How did that turn into fighting each other? Can we fight for our country and love each other at the same time? There must be a more loving alternative to all this right-and-left bashing.

No matter who our president is, there are many who believe he is corrupt and coming from ego, not love. A well-known blogger and author, Jim Altucher, checked into what it takes to run for a political office and could find no way to persevere without being false or lying in some way. In my experience, I've seen that in people who succeed in corporations too.

Books, movies, and television shows are rich with stories about the rare person of character who craftily navigates a sea of sharks to altruistically embody a position of power. We love underdogs who won't sacrifice their character. But how does that play out in real life? Do we really know our politicians? We know what they say, something about their behavior, how they vote, and what state our country is in. People are suffering and we want someone to blame.

I believe most Americans want to make this country better and are willing to sacrifice for the sake of the whole. I believe most of these bashing Facebook posts come from anger at injustice. We used to rely on the media to give us the facts. Now we have a much harder time getting at the truth. And it's frustrating. That is fuel for the bash-fest.

I wonder if any of these political Facebook posts have swayed anyone's opinion. I doubt it. So they say "here's where I stand."

Well, here's where I stand. I love my country. I love my fellow Americans. I believe in honesty, compassion, and respect for life. I believe in doing my part by working hard to get the facts and voting accordingly. People who do not do that, and rely on the media to inform them, are likely to be misled.

I like how one of my Facebook friends put it. "I'm not right-wing or left-wing; I'm for the whole chicken." Indeed.

What are you really saying?

I went to a new doctor yesterday and I was uncomfortable with how our conversation went. It got me to thinking about things people say, questions they ask, and why they are asking. In essence: Manners 101.

A few examples from yesterday. The doctor asked me to stand on the scale. I don't care to weigh myself right now and I don't want to know. Why? None of your business. (what I should have said) Instead, I stood with my back to the scale and said "would you please not tell me my weight? I don't want to know." I think he made a comment about me not being fat, but I'm not sure. Then he said,"you do appreciate how you look, right?" Huh? What was he really saying? Was he complimenting me? Was he concerned that I might be anorexic or have a distorted body image? I took the bait and said "yes, it's just that my weight has fluctuated lately and I don't want to know." I wish I'd said "why do you ask?" Must I justify a simple preference?

Then, he asked me what I do for a living. I had written down "writer," as that is what I've spent the majority of my career doing. That progressed into a discussion about also being a songwriter. He asked if I have made any money at it. (annoying and nosy) He asked how songs get published and suggested ways of promoting songs on the Internet. (thanks, I'm an idiot who needs advice from an objective non-musician who has never written or pitched a song) I gently tried to give him some idea of how it works, and he persisted in suggesting ways to "make it easier" by creating a website on which songwriters would post songs and artists could listen to them. Um, yeah, it exists and it's called "Taxi." When this ignorant, condescending conversation was going nowhere fast, he asked what my husband does. (I don't like that question because it feels like a way of "qualifying" me by what kind of man I caught) When I told him, he dug himself deeper with "oh so he has the more stable job." (implying what, that I'm a slacker?) I said, "he's also a musician." He laughed and said "oh, both of you!" Don't worry doc, I can pay your bill. What was really going on there? I think he is probably a socially challenged person who was trying to get to know me and stepped in every pothole possible. I don't think he meant any harm. But oh how I wish Miss Manners could have been there to instruct him on basic social graces. They can be learned! Now I'm glad that I didn't have to disrobe for this exam. I don't think that would have gone well at all.

One more example. I had a horrible job that I knew was not going to work from day one. I left after a week. Here's what not to say about that. "I guess you have the luxury of quitting since your husband has a job." What??? How do you know what my options are? Maybe I'm a closet millionaire. Maybe I have such faith that I believe I don't deserve abuse and God will make it right financially. And, are my finances any of your business? No. A more gracious response would be 1) empathy (how disappointing) and 2) support (I'm sure there is another opportunity for you). Even laughter would be ok -- as in "wow, there are sure some crazy people out there!"

I don't know people's motives. And what they think of me and why is none of my business. But I wonder if people are aware of what they are putting out there. There are other options besides zeroing in on my status or giving me unrequested advice. Go easy. Share a similar story of your own. Ask what kind of food I like. Ask if I have any fun plans for the summer. Tell me about a new activity, or store, or restaurant in an effort to be helpful. These are all warm and safe topics.

And one more thing while I'm on this rant. When a person states a preference, don't flat out disagree. "Oh, I hate Clint Eastwood movies." In a new relationship you are trying to find common ground, not debate. It makes you look insecure. Like you have to claim your power, position, and be "right" from the beginning. It sets up conflict. It does not make you look strong. Grace and restraint make you look strong.

I can't speak for the doctor, but the "warm and safe topics" hold if his motive was to build a rapport. I have another doctor who told me to be sure to get a massage after my mammogram, offering that his wife found a 50% off coupon on TravelZoo. That was helpful! My response? I suggested he offer to buy massages for his patients. Touche! Maybe I was a little brazen, but I felt we had a rapport and I could mess with him a little. After all, he had just investigated me thoroughly (ugh). And, during that process, he had commented on how sparkly I was. It took me a minute to realize he was talking about my toenail polish. Whew, that was a close one!

I guess I was raised to believe that talking about money, religion, politics, and a person's "status" is rude. Maybe not everyone was raised that way. So I'll do my best to demonstrate politeness, till you tick me off. Then I'll invite you to read my blog. Thank you. I feel better now.

Living in Truth is Risky Business

I'd have to say that the best moments of my life have resulted from taking a leap of faith -- a risk to stand on life's stage while the demons of discouragement laughed and threw tomatoes from the seats. The most unhappy moments of my life were often the results of holding back, playing it safe, and not being honest with myself. The ninth commandment (in essence) says "thou shalt not lie." That includes the lies we tell ourselves. And those have added more unhappiness than any lies others may have told me.

An example of a risk worth taking was my foray into singing. I stood on a stage in my 20s and dared to sing at Karaoke night. My knees were shaking. My voice barely came out. I had no idea how to hold or use a microphone. A friend came on stage to help me stay standing. I chose to face that fear. I muscled through. Over time I became more comfortable because I just kept doing it. Soon after, I read in the newspaper that the Conejo Valley Chamber of Commerce was holding a contest, and the winner would sing the National Anthem at Dodger Stadium. Entering the contest required a demo tape of me singing the Anthem and a story about what the Dodgers meant to me. I thought "this is a long shot -- but why not?" A friend at work had a home studio where I recorded the song -- complete with my own piano playing -- in Eb, no less. Writing about the Dodgers was easy as I had attended many games with my family. I could quote players' names, stats, etc. I was sitting at my desk at work when I got the call that I won! I screamed! I panicked! I had to get ready to sing in front of a stadium full of people! I decided I needed a demo tape to hand out if anyone "discovered" me, and a work friend referred me to Denny Martin, a local producer. Denny introduced me to songwriting. And I've loved this singing and songwriting journey I've been on for the past 20 years. All because I took a chance.

The lies I told myself are much more painful to reveal. They were usually reasons I should not take a chance, not step up, or an effort to fit into some role that I was not suited for and not passionate about. I did this a lot in my career. I became a "meet the deadline" adrenaline machine. My soul was lost in edits and rewrites that served the client's ego but not their true goal. I became tangled in a no-win situation. To speak up was career suicide; and not speaking up resulted in resentment. I gave away my power. I wanted all the perks without the responsibility -- without the risk. It used to work. Then, suddenly, it just didn't work anymore.

What makes one person a mailroom clerk and another a vice president? What are all these games people play to climb the corporate ladder? It's exhausting to think about. I do know that whatever role you are in, you can transcend it by putting your unique soul and love into it. I watched Frederee, who was a "maid" by profession, transcend that role into becoming my second mom. I'm sure that required taking risks. She was authentically herself and I instinctively trusted her.

What's the lesson? Taking risks is worth it. Being truthful with yourself keeps your soul's garden healthy and stops the seeds of resentment from taking over. It may not be comfortable. However, in my experience, making comfort the goal is an exercise in frustration. So I bid an official "good bye" to corporate America. You served me well for many years. I met some great people and I gained a plethora of valuable experience. But you are my past. Self-employment is my future. I am a singer, songwriter, writer, and a teacher. God made me this way, and He's got my back. The secret is being brave, and being truthful. No more false self, security seeking, or people pleasing. Just taking one brave step at a time. In love. In truth.