Music, Alan, and Me

If you are an artist, chances are that you are familiar with the struggle between doing your art and being "practical." In a rush of over-practicality a few years ago, I gave some valuable music books of mine to the library. Now I regret it. Still reeling from an unwelcome job layoff, I revisit the idea of making a living making music with cynicism. Ugly words like "as if" and "how old am I?" and "haven't I been to this movie before?" come to mind. That's not the good guy talking. It's discouragement.

And then my mind got a kick in the gut. My dear friend and music mentor of 20 years, Alan O'Day, passed away on May 17 at age 72 from cancer. Even in the midst of battling the disease with grueling chemo and radiation treatments, Alan wrote the title song for a movie ("You Don't Say") and watched his song "Nascar Crazy" finally hit the charts after five years of pitching it. He died at age 72 with a song on the charts and more songs on the shelf. He died too soon. His work was still kicking, and will live on for many years. I'm young (in comparison), healthy, talented, and inspired anew by my friend. He had chutzpa, determination, tenacity, joy, and a giving spirit. He not only encouraged himself, he encouraged others freely and without charge. He never had a "day job." Music was his entire career. Not many of us artist types can say that.

The music was always in me. I started piano lessons in first grade and could always hear when my classmates were off pitch. I took guitar lessons at age 10. I had my first on-stage experience in college and caught the performing bug. I studied acting with Walter Koenig (Star Trek's "Checkov") and chose to sing as part of a classroom exercise. The room went quiet, and I was regaled with praise that I could "really sing." I had no idea. So I took singing lessons. Karaoke singing about knocked me out -- my stage fright was paralyzing. So I stayed with it just to conquer my fear. My first gig was with Greg Barton at the Thousand Oaks Seafood Parlor singing for happy hour. Then I won a contest to sing the "National Anthem" at Dodger Stadium. I decided I should have a "demo tape" on hand, and a coworker referred me to producer Denny Martin. I asked him about songwriting, which I had always wanted to learn, and he took me to workshops, encouraging my efforts with "come on in, the water's fine." Through Denny I met Alan O'Day, and pursued him as a co-writer like the naive little wannabe I was. He was kind, always. We wrote a beautiful song together called "The Other Side." And a friendship was born. We performed together at coffee houses, restaurants, house parties, and clubs in L.A. and Nashville. It was thrilling to sing back up on his hits "Undercover Angel," "Rock 'n Roll Heaven," and "Angie Baby." I recorded his song "Please Don't Believe Me" and he sang back-up for me. Really. Alan O'Day singing back-up for me. And he did it while going through cancer treatment for Melanoma.

Our last gig together was April 29, 2012, at a Methodist church in West L.A. This came about via my gardener, Sam Dote, who was always looking for venues at which Bob and I could share our music. The church was near Alan and Yuka's house, and I suggested we add Alan to our performance. It was magical. Alan told me that day that I seemed to have "a weight" on my soul. I did. Losing my job hit me hard. Had I shared more with him, he probably would have encouraged me to rethink my music. Ever the spiritual encourager, I just wanted him and Yuka to check out that church, hoping it would lead them to Jesus. Their souls were on my heart, just as my artist's soul was on Alan's heart. We looked out for each other. We wanted the best for each other.

During the last weeks of Alan's life, Yuka asked about the minister of that church, Gary Oba. She wanted to know if he would pray for Alan and officiate at the funeral. He did. I'm grateful to have been used to make that connection. I'm especially grateful to Sam Dote for being the conduit by which this connection happened.

What I learned from Alan is that everyone matters. Actually, I learned that from my mom, and Alan reinforced it. The waiter, the pharmacy clerk, your hair stylist, the wanna be singer/songwriter, and your gardener. Alan connected lives. His soul was reachable. He gave freely. He loved life. He helps me remember to kick discouragement in the butt and appreciate life, health, talent, and other people. Thank you Alan. See you in rock 'n roll heaven.

A New Me

I've been reading Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose." He has much to say about ego. The back cover says "...Tolle shows how transcending our ego-based state of consciousness is not only essential to personal happiness, but also the key to ending conflict and suffering throughout the world. Tolle describes how our attachment to the ego creates dysfunction...and shows readers how to awaken to a new state of consciousness and follow the path to a truly fulfilling existence."

This is not easy reading. I've picked the book up and put it down many times, trying to get into it. But once I'm in, I'm glad I'm in. I'm heartened by the fact that his bio doesn't talk about how many books he has sold, awards he has won, or what celebrities have endorsed him. His bio is uncharacteristically short:

Eckhart Tolle is a contemporary spiritual teacher who is not aligned with any particular religion or tradition. In his writing and seminars, he conveys a simple yet profound message with the timeless and uncomplicated clarity of the ancient spiritual masters. There is a way out of suffering and into peace. Tolle travels extensively, taking his teachings throughout the world. He lives in Vancouver, British Columbia.

This is not "10 Steps to Peace for Dummies." It's about awareness, breaking a thought paradigm, and removing ego-based habits that do not serve us or the greater good. It's about unity, not division. Acceptance, not labels of "right" and "wrong." Removing anger and resentment at the root. Charlie Sheen, this is winning.

The question is, if I am not living an ego-based life, who am I? It's like pruning all the weeds out of your yard and finding out all you have is dirt. I guess it's seed planting time. And my challenge is having the patience to realize the harvest takes time. For awhile, life may be just dirt with seeds underneath. And it's human nature to miss the weeds. They were familiar. They were company. They looked better than dirt.

What is the opposite of ego? I don't know if the book answers that, but my answer is love. Can I live my life in such a way that love will lead to work that pays the bills? I would like that very much. I've made a living in advertising, which often involves selling, bragging, persuading, and prompting people to buy something. Not always. Sometimes it's making people aware of a valuable service that they truly need. Those are the more rewarding endeavors for me. I've also been a singer and songwriter. I've written and sung songs about love and about God. I've also helped people consume alcohol, which is not my favorite thing. The task itself is less important than the motivation. I want my life to be in alignment with the motivation of giving love.

This is a challenging journey, discovering that my ego is not my amigo. It creeps in all over the place. I feel somewhat lost. I identified with things that supported my ego. Now I'm not sure who I am. I guess for now I'm a gardener. I may look like dirt for awhile, but I choose to have faith that the flowers will bloom, I will share them with others, and the Creator will use me to make the world better.

Too much, too fast

I feel like a computer screen that needs to be refreshed many times each day. My mantra is "reframe, reframe, reframe," so that I adjust to each moment without fighting it with my ideas of how it used to be, how it's supposed to be, or how I wish it was.

Much of my overwhelmed feeling is a result of being sick for over a week. I'm finally feeling up to doing normal things, and I'm beyond behind. Frustration is like a flame that can grow into a bonfire with very little oxygen. I am aware that most of my frustration is self-inflicted. That's good news. That means I can choose another perspective.

The 12-step program advises us to live one day at a time. Sometimes for me that means 10 minutes at a time. I am aware of the mindset that expects too much and moves too fast. I just stop and breathe. Reset the expectations. Prioritize. Watch out for rabbit trails. And Facebook is where rabbits run rampant. It's not just the time spent reading people's posts. It's the thought process that those posts provoke. And it's usually something like "I should be doing more of (whatever) and look at how much (whoever) is doing." Not to mention, hmmm, I haven't posted a blog in awhile.

It takes strength of mind to come back from the rabbit trails and focus. Both of my kids are students as well as leading very responsible lives. Their ability to concentrate on improving their minds impresses the tar out of me. I'm not trying anything nearly that ambitious. My focus right now is a healthy mind, body and spirit. If my insides are messed up, my outsides will be as well. So I start with the basics and go from there. It's an inside-out job.

Between job transition and being sick, I feel like I have rolled to the bottom of the canyon. It's a long way back up. And the only way to tackle it is one step at a time.

Maybe it's easier when you have a boss. I am my own boss. Therefore I can change my mind and argue with myself. I don't have someone else's perspective to help me make decisions.

I do know that I need to treat myself the way I would treat anyone I love. With gentleness, kindness, and grace. It won't ALL get done on any given day. Things can change in a flash. The world can be a very confusing place. I'm sure I'm not the only one who is overwhelmed. I will do others the kindness of not trying to project that I have it all together. It feels caring to me to be real and put my humanity out there. We are more than our Facebook posts. Each day is full of many complex thoughts and actions. The important thing is that we have each other. I try to make real eye contact with the people I encounter throughout my day. We are missing that on our computer screens. Bring humanity to every moment you can. Smile, touch, hug, or just say something kind. The most important chores get done somehow.

Ready? Breathe. Feel my cyber hug. Smile. If you read this, we connected human-to-human today. Thank you.

Sexy is here to stay!

I'm sick of writing about work! I want to write about something sexy. Like life. Life can be sexy. It starts with me. We create what we believe. I want to create a sexy life -- and I BELIEVE I can!

Doesn't that sound like "The Secret," or "the law of attraction?" What about God? I'm not the Creator. I have been unclear about such fine differences. I'm clear now. I'm the god of my life -- god with a small g. God with big G and I work together. He can't drive a parked car. So I'm heading for sexy!

Here's what I mean by sexy. I mean doing things that excite me. Now don't get too literal on me. I mean things that make me laugh out loud (like dancing). Singing and performing excite me. And everyone knows that being with Bob excites me. Not just because he's sexy. He is sexy because he is alive inside -- alive with joy, music, and love.

Auntie Mame said "Live, live, live! Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death." She traveled, met fascinating people, and opened her mind to artists, innovators, and people of all cultures. That's what a sexy life was to her.

Tim Robbins' character in "The Shawshank Redemption" said "get busy living, or get busy dying." He was excited to buy a little hotel in Mexico and take his guests out on boat trips. Sounds good to me! Sexy even!

I'm redefining sexy. It's not about showing off my body or flirting. It's about creating a life I love. I have had beliefs in my way before. Silly. They are my beliefs, so I can change them. I believe in love, in life, in God, and in my sexiness. It all works together. It's all good!

Perspective

Ok, so the job didn't work out. I am not in control. But I do have choices. And it is a powerful choice to change your perspective. I can see some things that I have done in the past to cause and keep myself trapped in my own misery. It's so freeing to know how to change my perspective and choose joy. Wholeness. Gratitude. I knew it was possible, but I was lost in the "how to." Now I get it.

First, the job. Oy. The position, the company, the actual work, and my direct boss all seemed like a good fit. I met Ms. "head honcho," the owner and my boss's boss, and I thought we had a good rapport. I only met one other future coworker, and I did not view the workspace or meet the others on the team. If I had, I would have picked up on a certain vibe that remained unknown to me until my first day on the job. First lesson learned -- it's better to know that vibe before you accept the job. Ask about it. I am highly affected by a negative work environment, and a healthy work environment is a priority for me. Why didn't I say that? Was I afraid it just doesn't exist? Did I feel "too picky?" Did I not want to be labeled as "too sensitive?"

Maybe I just didn't want to reveal too much about myself. I am sensitive. What I want most in a work situation are workable relationships. I grew up in a family that had very strained relationships. Tension. Disconnection. Anger. Inconsistent moods that others danced around. I don't want that in my home. And for 40+ hours a week, work is home. That's too much of my life to repeat my childhood home environment. It's a deal breaker.

What "they" actually did and how I became aware of the vibe really isn't important. I gave it a whole week, ha ha. I listened, tried to keep my sense of humor, and checked myself by talking to some trusted friends. It was clear. I would be miserable there. I would be "owned." I would be "told." My boundaries would not be respected. I did say in my interview that it's important for me to have "a say" at work. Not that I would never be overruled, but I wanted to have a voice. I did not. When I spoke up, I was immediately overruled. I didn't just feel like "the maid," I felt like a mistreated maid.

I grew up with "a maid." We never called Frederee that. She was my second mom and we all treated her with the utmost respect. I was trying to imagine how it would have gone if my mom had said, "Frederee, I know we made our meal plans and you shopped accordingly, but I've decided we'll have chicken tonight, so throw out what you were making, go buy some chicken, and make another dinner. You don't mind staying late do you?" And then, tasting the chicken and saying,"I thought I wanted fried, but now I want baked, so do it over." My mom would have been wearing that chicken. I would rather be a maid and work for someone like my mom than be a professional working for a demanding and unreasonable person.

Now, perspective. I can be truthful about who I am and what helps me do good work. I have choices. I can speak up in the situation, and I can walk away. Yep, now I have a financial problem that needs a solution. That job just was not the solution. Keep seeking another solution. I am responsible for the effort, not the outcome. And the effort involves being brave enough to be honest and ask the right questions. I feel really good because I am not caught up in blame and resentment. I am learning the lessons and moving on. I take responsibility for my part. I trust God to do His part. And I pray for that woman and those who work for her. Because she can't be well. But I can. And I will.

Wow

Oooh, long time no blog. I guess updating website copy for an online traffic school has distracted me. I am grateful for the work, and am also enjoying a break from it as I look ahead to my next opportunity in the communications department of a nonprofit company dedicated to helping children with special needs. I start any day...whenever my background check clears. I've been waiting for a few weeks with mixed feelings -- ready to get started, a little nervous, and enjoying the break. 2012 reinforced the fact that God is in control, and I am not, so I am at peace.

Spending eleven months searching for work and scavenging for freelance projects with all the scrappyness I could muster had a life-changing effect on me in more ways than I even realize. These are tough times, and my heart goes out to anyone who is un- or underemployed and worried about their financial survival. I have more compassion for people in general now. I will go out of my way to help anyone in that situation.

I don't care if I sound preachy. Lean on God. The first time a well-meaning friend said that to me (within days of my layoff), I wanted to say "thanks for the platitude -- what I need is income." He gave me the book "Jesus Calling" -- a daily devotional in the voice of Jesus -- and I read it with a bitter attitude. I spent some time blaming my ex-employer. I felt the reason for my layoff was bogus. I felt they were not truthful with me or the others who got the axe from them last year. I wanted to call them on their lack of integrity. Not that it would change anything, but you know that feeling when you want to say "do you really think I'm that stupid?" However, when I looked at the situation from a spiritual perspective, I realized the company is not God. It is made up of mere humans. God allowed it to happen. Give my blame and bitterness to Him. He knows I'm not stupid. And God knows what those mere humans did, even more than I do. He. Will. Handle. It.

I guess I'm getting more overt about my faith these days. I did not know much about God the first half of my life. I didn't understand the difference between religion and God. I perceived those who preached to me about God as zealots trying to convert me to their religion. They annoyed me and I felt judged by them. I never wanted to become one of "those people." I won't try to "convert" anyone. It all changed for me when I was dealt some cards I did not feel equipped to play, and a wise woman asked if I wanted God to help me with that. Ummm, you betcha. My perception changed. Looking at life through three dimensions instead of two is immensely helpful. There's more than I can see, and it's not all up to me. I don't do God's job and He doesn't do mine. Discerning the difference is a moment-by-moment process that I navigate through prayer.

There's a new book out called "Help, Thanks, Wow: The Three Essential Prayers." If I didn't believe in God, whom would I thank? Who would help me? And who inspired my first word -- which was, not coincidentally, "Wow." I have more "wow" moments than I did eleven months ago. Thank you God. You really helped me. Wow.

Lessons from Madonna

As a "woman of a certain age" in an undeniably sucky economy, it's tempting to lament about the lack of employment opportunities and employers' seeming preference for "interns," "recent college grads," and "young, energetic workers." Yes, I've seen the word "young" used in job postings, even though it is illegal. The thing is, lamenting doesn't get you anywhere. Because I've lived a few years, I know this! So here are my words of wisdom for the day:

Don't lament -- reinvent!

I'm not going to deny that you will encounter obstacles and that age prejudice exists. Lots of prejudice exists. But look at those things like spikes on a bumper pool table. Are you going to focus on the bumps or the path around them?

Look at Madonna. There were some unflattering cracks about her performance at the Super Bowl's halftime show. But she still did it, and did it well. She started in the 1980s with a certain style and then kept changing it up -- reinventing herself. Celebrities do it all the time. It's true that you can only be a wide-eyed ingenue for so long. You can't do the same thing for 20 years. So why do we expect that to be different in the job market?

I once interviewed specialty advertising vendors and wanted to pick the most innovative thinker. I awarded the job to a younger, entrepreneurial man instead of the person who "had been doing the job for 20 years." When I asked him what he planned to do for us going forward, he didn't have an answer. He wanted to win on his experience. He could have kept the relationship if he had been willing to look forward and evolve. That's not an age issue -- it is an attitude issue.

I've been working in advertising since the mid '80s. If I want to continue to work, I need to embrace new technologies and strategies. I need to keep learning. The good news is that I bring more than technical knowledge to the table. I bring experience in the strategic thinking behind the technology. I don't just know how to Tweet, I know what to Tweet. And I know how to spell it. This combination of old-school basics and new-age execution is an added value.

There are two ages -- alive and not. As long as I'm here, I'm going to live in the present and look to the future. Don't look back. You're not going there!