Selfish or self-honoring?

One of the hardest things I’ve ever done is make a decision to honor my heart even though I knew it hurt someone I loved. There was so much internal pressure to do the “right” thing, the “dutiful” thing, and stay married because I had promised to love, honor, and cherish. But can you promise love? I mean deep down “you’re my soul mate” kind of love. How can you promise what you can’t control?

I was raised to be dutiful. My parents were from “the greatest generation.” They married in July of 1941, and after Pearl Harbor was attacked, my dad enlisted in the Navy. He had an extremely strong work ethic, and my mom ran our home like a Ritz-Carlton, even down to custom menu items. My mom never said “you’re on your own for dinner tonight.” Food came like clockwork, beds were always made, the house was always clean, and my clothes were always purchased, washed, ironed, and put away. I have no doubt that my parents loved each other. And I have no doubt that early on in their 32-year marriage, they found incompatibilities and value differences that were put in the back of the closet but infected the whole house. They stayed together until I was 16 out of duty to us. I give them an A for effort but it breaks my heart that they chose self-sacrifice over the truth and a shot at real happiness for all those years.

I will make sacrifices for those I love. I will go without something to have money for a gift, I will cook when I’m sleep-deprived, and I will sit up all night in the emergency room with a friend when her kid is having surgery. But I couldn’t love so much if I didn’t love myself too. I want to have a happy and truthful relationship, not a gritted-teeth illusion founded on duty. And I want that for everyone, including my ex. Would it have been honoring to him for me to cheat him of the opportunity to be truly loved? Some people go through a rough patch and then fall in love again. I had to make the best decision at the time. It hurt my heart. But my heart would hurt more if I stayed married while pining for someone else. And I think that would have been the less honorable thing to do. I knew it would hurt either way. And the scars are mine to wear. I’m convinced nothing hurts more than living a lie. And I’m glad I don’t have to do that. The truth truly does set you free.