Today at church our pastor asked all the moms to stand. I felt like a bit of an impostor when I stood up. When people ask me if I have kids, I say yes, then follow with the caveat that I had stepkids whose mom died, and then I adopted them. Why? Because I did not bear them. Barb did. And clarifying this is my way of recognizing her as their mother. She carried them, bore them, fed them, changed them, supported them, nurtured them, and loved them. When their father moved out, she had to share them with a stranger, who had never had children, and was 10 years her junior -- me. While she was alive and I was the weekend stepmom, I felt my best options were to feed them and play with them. Be kind of a "bonus parent." They could be sweet, fun, and great company. They could also be messy, loud, and annoying. Yep - so can I.
So, that's family life for you. Slowly and in an unnatural order, I began to learn how to put their needs ahead of my own, while still not totally undermining my own value. I'm sure I had my selfish moments. But I began to understand why people say having kids is worthwhile.
Barb was diagnosed with breast cancer during the first year I was married to her ex-husband. Four years later she passed away. I was a fulltime stepmom to Erin, 15, and part-time stepmom of Matt, 17. That's when we all started going to church. I found the guidance I needed there. I learned how to love better, although I did my share of messing up, including burning them at the beach. Sometimes I yelled like a "real mom." I also cooked, cleaned, ran taxi service, taught them to drive, and cleaned up vomit.
Before she died, Barb called me and expressed concern that her kids would not be properly parented after she passed. I told her I couldn't even imagine how she must have been feeling and what she was going through. I assured her that I loved her children. I hope it gave her peace.
Six years later I formally adopted them through the Ventura County court system. Since they were over 18, it cost $19 per adoption. They thought it should have cost more. Believe me, it did. But the rewards were worth it.
Eleven years later I have a 31-year-old, a 34-year-old, and three grandchildren. I'm not married to their father anymore. They have a loving stepdad in Bob. (is the man married to your stepmom your double stepdad?) And he has been good to them. He has helped me be a better parent too.
God was good to me. He gave me these wonderful young people to help grow me. They are kind. They are honest and caring. I hope Barb is relieved. And I hope she doesn't mind that I say I'm their mom too. They'll never forget her. And neither will I.
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