Daddy's demons

I don't know where I heard the phrase "we fight our Daddy's demons." I might have made it up. My dad had some pretty intense struggles. His story is not mine to tell. But the impact of his struggles shaped my psyche and influenced me in many ways in my formative years. Some of those teachings served me well. He was a Harvard grad who used big words and had me study "It pays to increase your Wordpower" in the Reader's Digest. He held my hand through every step of Algebra and Geometry. He valued education and always encouraged me to learn. We had many conversations about politics and ideas. We had very few discussions of a personal or emotional nature. I have made my living with words and I have him to thank for that.

My passion for communication comes from the fact that my family struggled with it. There was a lot of pressure to "achieve at all costs," often at the expense of relationships or taking care of yourself. Some days I catch myself imitating the patterns that did not lead to happiness. I get so involved with duties, chores, and striving that the ability to live in the moment is overruled. And when I get in that mode, downing a few glasses of wine seems to offset the stress. What it does in reality is anesthetize feelings, add sugar to my system, give me empty calories, and give me a headache the next morning.

It's not the wine that's bad. It's they why behind the wine. The real demon of pushing myself without balance, love, or humanity. Spirits are no substitute for spirituality. A therapist once told me to go get a bottle of my dad's alcohol of choice. She said "put that bottle on the chair and talk to it. Ask it to love you. Ask it to help you. Ask it to help make your life better. It doesn't, does it?" Yet its bait can be so powerful. How do you deal with it?

Alcoholics Anonymous suggests that we come to believe in a power greater than the alcohol. That's where the spirituality comes in. A power beyond my human will and my human strength. It doesn't mean I don't exert effort. But I realize I am not responsible for all of the results. My higher power is. How people live without believing in a higher power baffles me. How depressing to look at this world and think this is all there is, and I must conquer it myself. I don't want to conquer it. I want to contribute to it. I'll do better if I'm healthy, positive, and higher-powered. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.