Selfish or self-honoring?

One of the hardest things I’ve ever done is make a decision to honor my heart even though I knew it hurt someone I loved. There was so much internal pressure to do the “right” thing, the “dutiful” thing, and stay married because I had promised to love, honor, and cherish. But can you promise love? I mean deep down “you’re my soul mate” kind of love. How can you promise what you can’t control?

I was raised to be dutiful. My parents were from “the greatest generation.” They married in July of 1941, and after Pearl Harbor was attacked, my dad enlisted in the Navy. He had an extremely strong work ethic, and my mom ran our home like a Ritz-Carlton, even down to custom menu items. My mom never said “you’re on your own for dinner tonight.” Food came like clockwork, beds were always made, the house was always clean, and my clothes were always purchased, washed, ironed, and put away. I have no doubt that my parents loved each other. And I have no doubt that early on in their 32-year marriage, they found incompatibilities and value differences that were put in the back of the closet but infected the whole house. They stayed together until I was 16 out of duty to us. I give them an A for effort but it breaks my heart that they chose self-sacrifice over the truth and a shot at real happiness for all those years.

I will make sacrifices for those I love. I will go without something to have money for a gift, I will cook when I’m sleep-deprived, and I will sit up all night in the emergency room with a friend when her kid is having surgery. But I couldn’t love so much if I didn’t love myself too. I want to have a happy and truthful relationship, not a gritted-teeth illusion founded on duty. And I want that for everyone, including my ex. Would it have been honoring to him for me to cheat him of the opportunity to be truly loved? Some people go through a rough patch and then fall in love again. I had to make the best decision at the time. It hurt my heart. But my heart would hurt more if I stayed married while pining for someone else. And I think that would have been the less honorable thing to do. I knew it would hurt either way. And the scars are mine to wear. I’m convinced nothing hurts more than living a lie. And I’m glad I don’t have to do that. The truth truly does set you free.

Humanity Makes All the Difference

I've lived in Westlake for almost four years. During the first three I wondered if I had made a mistake by moving from our cheaper, but less happy, home in Simi Valley. Westlake is beautiful, but I wasn't enjoying it. I'd drive to work and count the minutes until I could run home for lunch, and then home for the evening. I wanted to work at home because writing is best done away from people in a quiet space. I resented my job for keeping me away from home. Bob's job "devolved" and our hours weren't going together, so I didn't even look forward to the weekends. I'd look at the house and think "this is all I have, a house." His work hours were arbitrary too, sitting at a desk every Saturday night even when there were no events to support, just punching the clock for a boss who couldn't step one single hangnail out of the box if his life depended on it. We had been dumbed down, stepfordized, and were on the path to stupid robot world. I went to college for this? His 30 years of expertise meant nothing? The driving force was "conform or be punished." We had become two-year-olds in the nursery from hell. Well-meaning people encouraged us that the Lord had us in these ill-fitting cribs for a reason, to "be a light" to people. I was not buying it. It just sounded like "here's why you need to settle." Being happy with what you have is one thing. I'm happy with my 10-year-old Jeep. I'm not hungering for a Mercedes. But settling for something miserable is quite a different thing. It's sick to think that's the best you can do. So I jumped out of the box and went on a 5-month freefall. I landed somewhere wonderful. Bob has now jumped and is in freefall. Well, you never get hurt in the air! I'm confident that wherever he lands, it will be better. And the kicker? Life is a million percent better. I wake up and look around and feel blessed. I get to live here? Really God? I go to work and am amazed by the smart people I get to learn from. I get to work from home when it makes sense. So I work MORE. I give MORE. I grow MORE. Out of my gratitude, I am a much more productive employee. Oh if only companies realized when they treat people badly what they are losing. Stripping people of their uniqueness, humanity, a personal life, and their souls should be a crime. But people who allow it contribute to the problem. Speak up. Do whatever you must to honor your own humanity. Because when you honor yourself, you honor the world. You make it a better place. The bad guys don't win. They're left standing there, looking at the empty crib, thinking they wish they had the courage to fly away. Take wing all you free spirits!

Frederee & Me

One of the subjects of many conversations in my work with educators is cultural sensitivity. I thought it was something I rarely thought about or experienced. I'm a WASP and was raised in a mostly WASPy neighborhood. I'm a white middle-class girl. I ate white bread, white rice, bologna, and mac 'n cheese. Today it hit me. I had two white parents and one bonus parent -- a woman of color named Frederee. Frederee's version of the story begins with my mom bringing me home from the hospital, handing me to Frederee, and saying "this one is yours." I was the fourth of four girls and a late-in-life "oops" baby. I didn't know what color anyone was or who had what place in the social statusphere. I didn't even know what food was yet. But I knew Frederee. And I felt her love for me. I experienced her "beneath her skin." I felt her heart. She did what moms do -- fed, bathed, rocked, carried, talked, and sang to me. I was about four years old the first time I commented on her skin color. I asked her why she was brown. She said it was the pigment in her skin. I heard "pigment" and I thought "pig" and "dirty," so I asked if I could wash the brown off. It meant nothing significant to me. It was just a feature like height or weight. And I still think of people of other cultures that way. Born in 1912, she had seen many historic events and had a lot of stories. She talked about race quite often. It struck me today that our relationship and her stories might make a good book. "Frederee & Me." I'm writing this now to commit this idea to existence. I'm excited. More to come.

Know when to walk away

A good friend of mine just broke up with her one-foot-in-the-door boyfriend. One foot just wasn't enough. Someone else close to me just left a job without having another one. I've been musing about the similarities and differences between relationships and jobs. No one says "be sure you have a relationship to go to before you leave." In fact, that is considered bad form. People don't usually call you a "quitter" if you leave a relationship that isn't working. Why is it different with a job? Because of money? Is settling for a job that isn't right for you until you can find something else noble? Why is staying in something you're not fully invested in more respectable than leaving? We're encouraged by our teachers and loved ones to "go for the best in life" and "reach for the stars." When you know you're in the pit, why would you stay there? There aren't any stars in the pit. You can't soar with the eagles when you're hanging out with turkeys. I wonder if more people left their jobs, especially due to bad managers, if it would help weed out the turkeys and improve companies. I really think so. Every time I have left a company after realizing it was not right for me, I've never regretted it. It hurts for awhile and adjustment can be difficult. But it just requires creativity. You don't earn respect by accepting disrespectful treatment. And you don't learn to fly by hanging out with turkeys. Likewise, you won't find your prince if you're afraid to leave a frog. Kenny Rogers had it right. "Know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away and know when to run." Sometimes you just have to take a gamble. I wish you a full house and no more snake eyes!

Focus on the Future

I’d love to write a recap of 2010. Actually, I’d love to want to. But I think I have broken the habit of looking back and I’d rather look forward. I’ve taken some time to count my blessings. And I’m grateful to have an awesome job and a wealth of love in my life. I’ve removed some thorns and done some pruning. My foundation is solid. Now I’m ready add some posts, beams, and framework to the life I want to build. Here’s my list:

Healthy eating and drinking. Keep a sober mind.

Aerobics classes.

Embrace learning.

Daily quiet time.

Pursue creativity in everything.

Be intentional about what I read, watch, and listen to. Seek the positive.

Nurture my spiritual life through learning, serving, and tithing.

Do some fun stuff with Bob.

It’s going to be a great year! God wants the best for His kids. I believe it and I claim His promises. Arise, go forth, and prosper. Love and peace out.

Holiday Sanity

Every year I brace for the holidays with the belief that I will not get stressed out, I won't overeat, I will keep working out, and have faith that all the necessary chores will get done. Maybe the end of the year is like the end of life. You think of all the things you didn't get done and try to cram them in at the end. Gigs, activities, people to see, things to buy. I booked us for not one, but two gigs next weekend. (well, the Saturday gig is just me -- playing piano for a few hours at an open house for charity) I can't remember when my company holiday party is. I'd like to do a photo holiday card but not sure which photo is right. And the presents -- my mind is just blank. I do know I want to wrap them in "green" canvas grocery bags. They really make great gifts. Both Bob and I are going to take the week between Christmas and New Year's off. So that's something to look forward to. We need a plan. In fact the secret of getting through this season is stepping up the planning. Not that there's no down time -- but just a little more so that the important things are sure to get done. Take a little quiet time each day. Remember I've lived through 50+ Christmases so far and it all gets done somehow. Breathe in peace, breathe out stress. Ohmmmmmmmmmmm...Peace out until 2011.

What's important?

Steven Covey wrote in The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People about prioritizing time into four quadrants: Urgent and important, urgent and not important, important and not urgent, and not urgent and not important. (why am I hearing Edith Bunker recite that in my head?) Apparently the key to effectiveness is focusing on what is important and not necessarily urgent. Where does Facebook fit? (I digress) Back to my question -- what is important? An even more annoying question is how do you define importance?

In a word, people. Relationships. (oops, two words) That doesn't mean I constantly spend time with people. It does mean I don't blow them off. And how I spend time with them matters. Do I really listen? Do I perform acts of service? Am I trustworthy? Do I do what I say, walk the talk, practice what I preach? Except for the preaching, those actions nurture relationships. So that begs the question what tears them down? Being too busy to pay attention. Focusing on my own problems too much. Nagging. Neglecting. Forgetting. Sometimes churches are so activity-heavy in the name of caring for one another that we get overcommitted and neglect our friends. "I don't have time for you because of church." Now if that isn't the enemy using church to do harm, I don't know what is!

I know that if my own inner well is empty, I'm no good for anyone. So it's important to put God, the ultimate well-filler, first on my list. But do I? Um, many times I'm just "too busy." He doesn't want my time for Himself, because He has all the time in the world. It's for my benefit to put God first on my priority list. He may have some things to tell me that I'm too busy to listen to. When I blow Him off, I'm playing God with my life. That's a lot of pressure, and it doesn't work. So in this case I'd say it's important to practice what I preach. And to remember that God loves people more than anything. More than anything, He wants them to know He'd rather die than let them go. I don't remember who wrote the song that said that, but thank you. I needed to get my priorities straight today.