Frederee and “The Help”

I wrote a blog about my relationship with Frederee, who worked for my family as a domestic, and a friend suggested I read “The Help.” I did and I loved it. I also just saw the movie. It brought up a lot of thoughts and feelings for me.

Meaning no disrespect to my parents—my closest relationship was with Frederee. She was my rock. Was my mom too burned out to raise me? Was the fact that my parents’ marriage was troubled the issue? I’ll never know. But I bet Frederee knew. She never told me. She just filled the gap—with love, attention, laughter, and home cooking. She didn’t have to. She chose to. And our relationship lasted well beyond her working years. We were close until she passed away at age 95.

“The Help” tells the story of working as a domestic from the maids’ point of view. It made me wonder what Frederee’s hopes and dreams were and why she chose what she called “domestic work.” What was her school life like? I bet she made good grades. Did she want to go to college? What factors drove her choices? Did she feel that she had choices? I wonder these things more than what her job was like for her. I think she could have been like Oprah. She was interested in people, had a way of getting to the heart of a matter, she could lead, and she was decisive. She didn’t take any crap, but she was not combative. She said the way to earn respect was to give it. And she could sing. I think she would have been a marvelous actress. Or talk show host. Or CEO. Or all of them.

Did she settle? Many people do, like Jimmy Stewart in “It’s a Wonderful Life.” You get the cards God gives you and play them the best you can. Just like the guitar player who lays tile, the interior decorator who works as an administrative assistant, the singer who teaches, and the songwriter who writes book descriptions. Did we settle? Did we get in our own way? Were we happy with our Plan B?

I don’t know what Frederee felt her choices were. She said she felt blessed, that she enjoyed her work, and she had a wonderful life. My mom was good to her. Her job was relational. She wasn’t rich, but she bought her own home. She invested her life in mine. Much of who I am came from her leadership, advice, encouragement, admonishment, and the role model that she was. She was my Oprah before Oprah became a household name.

“The Help” included many points of view, including the perspective of the child raised by a maid. Through my eyes, Frederee was not an employee, she was my family. When a boy in my class made a disparaging remark about “black people,” I got in his face. I think Frederee was family to my mom too. They used to play the piano and sing together. When my mom got sick following my parents’ divorce, Frederee stayed by her side in the bedroom and held my mom’s hand while she cried. She continued to work for my mom after I moved away and there were no kids in the house. Frederee retired after my mom remarried. She said, “I can retire now that I got you married off.” And Frederee was with my mom in the hospital a few days before my mom passed. Frederee continued as my “bonus mom” until she passed away seven years later—after she “got me married off” too.

“The Help” showed me the ugly side – the prejudice, how mean people can be, pettiness, and seeing others as “less than.” It’s not ok to limit another human being’s freedom or hurt their dignity. It’s not ok to disrespect someone because of their color. Frederee used to say “beauty is only skin deep, but ugly’s to the bone.” There will always be ugliness in people. Racial prejudice is one of many forms. I almost felt embarrassed to be white. It’s demeaning to see being beautiful and catching a rich husband depicted as what women should strive for. Yet there was some of that in my upbringing. My mom actually said, “Don’t marry someone who will help you with the chores. Marry someone who will get you someone to do the chores.”

Well, I still don’t like chores. But I respected Frederee’s work. I repeat her many wise sayings, like “Love many, trust few, learn to paddle your own canoe.” She shaped my life. She made a difference. She helped me become a better human being. Sounds a lot like Oprah.