R-E-S-P-E-C-T

I have had not one, but three "clairvoyant" experiences lately. They all had to do with death. How's that for a day brightener? Two were ex boyfriends. In each case, the friend of the ex popped into my head and we made contact just in time for me to find out my ex had recently passed away. For some reason, God wanted me to know. Frederee had the same sense of upcoming events. She would call me and say "you've just been on my mind...is there a reason?" And there usually was.

In each case, I watched a mental movie of my relationship with the person who passed. In one case, I saw my own behavior and didn't feel very good about it. My lesson learned is that I could have been more gracious. In the other case, I realized that I developed the strength to turn loose anything or anyone that drags me down. (I must credit Frederee again for that phrase)

It has become a theme in my life -- saying no to disrespect and abuse. There is so much confusion on this topic, especially among women. A friend asked me why I, as a believer, was unforgiving toward the ex who abused me. The question surprised me, and then I wondered why, as women, we are often too forgiving and willing to reconcile only to find ourselves abused again. I told her that forgiveness and reconciliation are two different things. Unforgiveness is harboring pain and anger. Reconciliation is giving my trust again. Why would you give your trust to someone who has proved untrustworthy? Especially someone who tries to make you feel guilty for respecting yourself? Someone who tears you down? That's the work of the bad guy, not God.

I'm not saying my ex was the devil. But he allowed dark forces to work in him, and he was trying to drag me there too. Dimming my light made him feel better about himself. He wanted to feel powerful. He wanted to keep me tied to him out of fear and insecurity. My "self" was a threat to him, and made him scared that he would lose me.

I don't hate him. I just opted out of the game. There was no way to have a healthy relationship with him. So I did what he most feared -- I broke up with him. He responded by stalking me, trash-talking me, and putting himself in my space with other women on his arm. Even years later he called my sister and tried to get her to convince me to let him back in my life. All of those behaviors confirmed that he was not someone I wanted in my life.

Now he's gone. I feel a humane concern for his loved ones. But I don't feel any personal loss. I went through that many years ago.

I'm grateful for the lessons I learned from that experience. I can say "no" to disrespect and abuse. Even if it means ending a relationship, being publicly trashed, or leaving a job without finding another one. I've heard all the backlash -- "quitter," "not Christian," and "not the person I thought you were." I made mistakes too. I never belonged on a pedestal as a role model. But these are my demons, and this is my life. Look at the plank in your own eye, and so will I. What's really sad is that those who throw the most stones are usually victims themselves. They don't understand that they have choices. The battle cry of my life is that you always have a choice. Don't choose to be a victim. Choose to be a victor.

The greatest commandment is to love God and love one another. Love yourself too. And it's okay to love some people from a safe distance.

Frederee said "the way to get respect is to give it." Nice when it works, and it's a good effort. I say that you never earn someone's respect by accepting disrespectful treatment. Bullies want to know what you're made of. If you give them your power, they will take it and use it like a whip. That is not of God. Respecting yourself and others is of God. It's okay to respectfully detach. God will help you through the backlash. And, when you look in the mirror, you will see someone strong and worthy of respect -- a glorious creation.