Balloons

A male friend of mine used to tell me he always dreamed of a "red balloon" relationship, but he discovered he could be happy with a "blue balloon."

Red was my favorite color when I was a kid, so I could relate to this.

I wondered if I had ever "settled" for less than a red balloon.

Some people never wonder about these kinds of things. I envy them. I can't seem to NOT wonder these things. And, because I've seen it, I believe it's possible to have both a "red balloon" career and a "red balloon" relationship -- to be true to yourself, and to resist believing you are greedy or ungrateful because you believe a "good fit" is possible.

The exercise in frustration is that it's all within our control. It's okay to say "no" to the wrong thing because you are waiting for the right thing. What I find really hard is living with the wrong thing (like a crummy job) because the right thing just isn't happening.

Stinking thinking will tell us that we don't deserve it, to give up, to be grateful for the crumbs we have.

"Being a realist" can make the waiting seem pointless.

Wait anyway. Pray for your desires and work toward your goals.

When you give up, the bad guys win.

I've felt stuck in unhappy relationships and oppressive work situations. And I've been unstuck.

'Tis the season for miracles. Keep believing in red balloons.

Live Beyond the Box!

Wow this video just hit me upside the head!

What makes us settle for a box of any kind?

This video reminds me of the life I used to say I'd never ever want.

Here's what I wrote in my journal at age 15:

"I have this wild idea to just be free of all the silly rules that just seem so stupid and live differently from other people. Have a definite originality to my life. The thought of a dull job and slaving at college, even continuing High School sounds so conservative and stereotyped the monotony would drive me crazy. But what can I do? I hope as I grow older these ideas will bet bigger and stronger instead of disappear because it's what I really want."

Well, I'm older! And I have felt like a ping-pong ball bouncing between the ticky-tacky box and the cliff of creativity. The creative life looks so cool from a 15-year-old's point of view. No rules. Freedom. Live wherever. Follow your muse. Override the dullness. I used to say "I don't want to live a doggy little life."

Then parents expect you to go to college, so you go. You're expected to pick a major, so you do. The gravy train runs out and you have bills to pay. I worked at an insurance company and lived in an apartment in North Hollywood, and I was burglarized. They took my jewelry and my electronics. They even left the seat up in the bathroom. Ewww. The drive to earn more and head for a safe box in Thousand Oaks was born of fear for my physical safety. Then I had kids in my life. They need structure, and boy do they need money! And so it went. But my muse called to me in the night, and during the daydreams of my cubicled 9-5 existence. And I've been a mugwump ever since. (a mugwump is an animal who sits on a fence with his mug on one side and his wump on the other)

Well these days I think the mug that is my muse is winning! I am somewhat counter-culture by encouraging young artists to honor their muse -- their music -- and to find their own voices. I'm not a boxy piano teacher. I am honoring that long-ago dream to make my life different -- and to support others in dreaming bigger than ticky-tacky. The wonder of living all these years is realizing that it's not just about me -- my dream gets more meaningful when I encourage others to honor theirs. I get to be a part of it, and that is truly magical.

So, 15-year-old Sue, I hope I have not let you down. I hope the maturity of years has broadened our dream beyond your youthful vision, and blossomed into an honest, soulful, original life.

Upgrading my Thought Life

Just for today

I’m going to believe I don’t need to buy anything to be okay
I will limit my TV viewing to one hour
I will limit my Internet surfing to specific tasks
I will cope without chemicals
I will have empathy for the haters and the uniformed
I will not engage in any debates
I will not give advice
I will refrain from posting advice
I will thank God for what He has given me
I will do my work
I will learn something new
I will do chores without bitterness or complaint – maybe even with joy
I will stay in the present
I will encourage each person I encounter
I will show love to my husband
I will pet and walk my dog
I will play music just for fun
I will move my body
I will eat healthy food
I will pray for whoever comes to mind
I will redirect troublesome emotions into prayer
I will sing

Alcohol

I can make anybody pretty
I can make you believe any lie
I can make you pick a fight
With somebody twice your size

~ Brad Paisley, "Alcohol"

I have not had a drink of alcohol in 11 days. It's not like I was getting sloppy drunk or hurting anyone. I did not have the typical alcoholic's epiphany that I was out of control and must stop drinking for life.

I simply thought, "how will I feel without alcohol?" There are many answers to that question, and the revelations keep coming. They are so fascinating that I want to go without one more day just to see what else I might discover.

At first I felt deprived. Then I felt anxious. How do I settle down after a long day of teaching/traffic/pressure etc.? Answer: Find another way to chill. And after I do, I sleep better. And, I wake up feeling better.

I made some adjustments so that the deprivation does not overwhelm me. I made dessert and ate it. I'm eating more of the things I like and concerning myself less with calories. This is temporary, but necessary for balance.

The primary difference is how I feel spiritually. I feel more at peace, more connected to God, more open to receiving His guidance, and more available to my loved ones. I'm not "checking out." I'm more aware of what I did with the day -- the whole day -- rather than just the "working" part. I want to call people, go places, be with people, and experience more life. And this feeds on itself -- magnifying my engagement in life. Life is getting fuller, bigger, and more rewarding. There are more "sweet spots." And I remember them!

My memory is better. There are fewer embarrassing moments. I'm saying "did we talk about this yet?" and "did I tell you this story?" less. I'm hearing, "yes, you told me that before" less. And, because I'm more engaged, I have new stories to tell so I don't have to rely on the old ones. I believe this is a key to staying young at heart and not becoming like so many older people who bore others by repeatedly talking about the past.

I hope this reactivates my Jones to write songs again. I've missed it. As long as I'm alive, I must express the music inside me.

I'm also more aware of how much alcohol permeates commercials, songs, movies, television shows, people's conversations, and what many consider "a good time." The hope is that alcohol enhances a good time. However, like the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says, "...alcohol is cunning, baffling, and powerful."

Singer-songwriter Josh Wilson put it this way: "I'm thirsty, God I'm thirsty, from drinking what destroys me, I'm pouring poison in my cup. Everybody says we're oh so different, but everybody knows we're all the same, we're all looking for a pill to kill the pain."

Alcohol is tricky. It over-promises and under-delivers. It sneaks into your system like a worm that can eat away at your soul. When it wears off, you are still thirsty.

This is where I am on Day 11. More to come. I hope.

How's your LOVE filter?

With Mercury in retrograde, writing a blog post may be unwise. Who knows what could blow up?

I feel weary of watching people's emotions blow up over simple Facebook posts. The hate debate is so disheartening.

I want to understand where people are coming from. I don't want to hear their cerebral diatribe. I don't want to read the platitudes that say "I'm on THIS side."

Whatever happened to "come together?" and "what the world needs now is love?"

I want to know your heart.

It's clear that there is very little trust in our government leaders and our political system.

It's clear that believing in God is ok as long as we say there are many gods and all paths to God are ok. If you believe in the God of the Bible, you will be attacked. It goes with the territory.

It's clear that if you don't speak out in support of gay marriage you are deemed a prejudiced bigot.

So when people have different opinions, they name call and blame each other. How old are we, 10?

I understand self-righteous anger. Some people feel lied to, duped, oppressed, outraged. They want to say "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore." I get it. But reading it hurts my heart.

I don't know if my vote matters. But I vote anyway. I believe in God. I can't make you believe or not believe. I'm not gay. I don't think who marries whom should have anything to do with the government or tax breaks. I don't own a gun. I admire the woman who talked a gunman down at a school instead of shooting him. But would I want to protect my loved ones from a violent sick person? Why yes, I would.

Maybe one of the reasons I believe in God is because I can't possibly know everything or sort out all these gray areas. What might be perceived as my "black-and-white" stance is actually acknowledging shades of gray and all the colors of the rainbow. I believe God is on my side and on yours, no matter what you believe.

I believe in Love. And I believe that God is Love. All the commandments can be summed up in two: Love God and Love one another.

Love with a capital "L."

Maybe we would benefit from more "I love you's" and fewer "I blame you's."

If you must pontificate and debate, how about you run it through the "love" filter first?

The hate is hurting my heart.

What Matters Most

I do not feel my age. Saying the number is a little daunting. But overall, I'm very grateful. I've lost my parents, a sister, and several very close friends. Losing Cece, who was born the same year I was, five years ago has made me check myself if I start grumbling about my age. Cece would like to have stayed around longer to see her daughter graduate from high school, and now from college. I have no reason to grumble. There are two ages -- alive and not -- and I am alive. To waste my aliveness bogged down in negativity would be the height of stupidity. Yet I know I overlook blessings every day. God has dealt me some good cards and I want to play them well.

The most prominent blessing in my life is the love of friends and family. Not just their love for me, but my love for them. Finding ways to show my love gives me great joy. I love finding out that one person has a need that another person I know can fill. "Needs-based" matchmaking I guess. Some of my happiest moments have only been possible by their corresponding embarrassment. I so wanted to be a songleader in high school. (that is a more "dancy" form of cheerleader) I am not a natural, and I had no training. My friends Janet and Venus went out of their way to "step" me through each move. I am a "learned" dancer now, and I even spent a year teaching aerobics. My gratitude is enhanced by the fact that I was so slow and frustrated, and they loved me through it.

Then there was the "Singing in the Rain" audition. My daughter Erin, who was then 13, watched me read lines and sing for the director. Then the director asked if I would attend the dance audition, where I failed miserably. (Those cues went by so quickly, and what language was that choreographer speaking anyway? So much for French class.) However, I "thought on my feet" and used the experience as a teachable moment, telling Erin that "it's amazing what you can do if you are not afraid to feel stupid."

The most extreme fear I have ever experienced was singing in public for the first time. My knees and my voice shook, and I had to have a friend hold me up. I became determined to conquer that fear. Now one of my favorite things is singing. If I could do that, I think I could do most anything. (even dancing, if you teach me slowly!)

Reflecting on my 50+ years of life, it is those moments of overcoming fear that stand out the most. I had to do a lot of that to pursue the adventure of a life with Bob. I made mistakes, and I still do. But my heart knew "we just had to be together," and I'm glad that we are.

This video highlights some of my favorite moments. Here's to making more memories.

Putting on a Good Facebook

I was musing out loud last night and said "Facebook is fascinating." Bob asked if I cared to elaborate. Even though he had that "I don't want to hear more words right now" look on his face. Truthfully I was processing and had no more to say in the moment.

Now I do. :-) Facebook has changed the number of relationships I can have at a time, the flow of information, the frequency of contact, and created new levels of relationship that did not exist for me before. It's also a new venue for expressing myself. If I reveal too much, I may get unwelcome comments from people I have not truly let into my "inner circle" of trusted friends. I don't like being commented on in general, so why invite what I don't like?

This is a quandary. I really like not having to wait for the "yearly Christmas letter" to hear what's going on in people's lives. I like sharing parts of my life and having a forum where I can be completely myself from day to day. I like being able to share my piano lesson business in a heartfelt way. I like staying in touch with people who would be difficult to stay connected to without this forum. Like my sister's friend who has known me since birth, or many of my high school friends.

Facebook is useful for recommendations and referrals. It's a place to vent. I vented about Juan Pablo -- the Bachelor. Then I felt remorseful. I don't really like the show and I just got kind of hooked in toward the end. I like looking at the beautiful St. Lucia scenery and all the pretty people and clothes. I'm a girl, after all. But they are just cartoon characters to me. Then the relationship part hit the fan and I felt like a voyeur. I felt kind of dirty. A lesson learned in public.

Most of our lives are much more public than they would have been pre-Internet. As a wannabe actress I had head shots printed and sent them to agents. I had to go places to build relationships that would further my career. Now I can do all of that from "behind the screen." And with this blog I feel like I have my own newspaper column. The drastic nature of this change strikes me sometimes -- and I want to think it through. Do I really want all of these relationships? What do I want to reveal? What's my goal? How do I manage my Internet time so that it's valuable and not a time-robber?

I see many more positives than negatives. It brings some things to light inside me that are worth a look. Online life is a unique dimension. It won't hurt me to get a little more time outside and away from the computer -- just to maintain the balance. But you just can't beat all the beauty the Internet can bring to your door on a rainy day! Here's to online sunshine!