Holiday Sanity

Every year I brace for the holidays with the belief that I will not get stressed out, I won't overeat, I will keep working out, and have faith that all the necessary chores will get done. Maybe the end of the year is like the end of life. You think of all the things you didn't get done and try to cram them in at the end. Gigs, activities, people to see, things to buy. I booked us for not one, but two gigs next weekend. (well, the Saturday gig is just me -- playing piano for a few hours at an open house for charity) I can't remember when my company holiday party is. I'd like to do a photo holiday card but not sure which photo is right. And the presents -- my mind is just blank. I do know I want to wrap them in "green" canvas grocery bags. They really make great gifts. Both Bob and I are going to take the week between Christmas and New Year's off. So that's something to look forward to. We need a plan. In fact the secret of getting through this season is stepping up the planning. Not that there's no down time -- but just a little more so that the important things are sure to get done. Take a little quiet time each day. Remember I've lived through 50+ Christmases so far and it all gets done somehow. Breathe in peace, breathe out stress. Ohmmmmmmmmmmm...Peace out until 2011.

What's important?

Steven Covey wrote in The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People about prioritizing time into four quadrants: Urgent and important, urgent and not important, important and not urgent, and not urgent and not important. (why am I hearing Edith Bunker recite that in my head?) Apparently the key to effectiveness is focusing on what is important and not necessarily urgent. Where does Facebook fit? (I digress) Back to my question -- what is important? An even more annoying question is how do you define importance?

In a word, people. Relationships. (oops, two words) That doesn't mean I constantly spend time with people. It does mean I don't blow them off. And how I spend time with them matters. Do I really listen? Do I perform acts of service? Am I trustworthy? Do I do what I say, walk the talk, practice what I preach? Except for the preaching, those actions nurture relationships. So that begs the question what tears them down? Being too busy to pay attention. Focusing on my own problems too much. Nagging. Neglecting. Forgetting. Sometimes churches are so activity-heavy in the name of caring for one another that we get overcommitted and neglect our friends. "I don't have time for you because of church." Now if that isn't the enemy using church to do harm, I don't know what is!

I know that if my own inner well is empty, I'm no good for anyone. So it's important to put God, the ultimate well-filler, first on my list. But do I? Um, many times I'm just "too busy." He doesn't want my time for Himself, because He has all the time in the world. It's for my benefit to put God first on my priority list. He may have some things to tell me that I'm too busy to listen to. When I blow Him off, I'm playing God with my life. That's a lot of pressure, and it doesn't work. So in this case I'd say it's important to practice what I preach. And to remember that God loves people more than anything. More than anything, He wants them to know He'd rather die than let them go. I don't remember who wrote the song that said that, but thank you. I needed to get my priorities straight today.

White space

I’ve been sort of blog clogged lately. I hope if I start typing some little insight will ignite and light up the page. I’ve been nose-to-grindstone the past few weeks and today is my first chance to take the bridle off my brain and let it wander in the pasture. I wonder if horses feel like this when they’re suddenly set free. Maybe that’s why they bolt. I could go for a good bolt about now. Just clean out the bank account, pack a few things, head for the airport, and just go somewhere. An adventure. Bolt, panic, pray. A one-way ticket. Greener pastures. Sunsets. Rainbows. Clear, warm water. I am probably overdue. Funny how we look forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas as a break. But they’re not a break. Just a change of focus. And have you ever tried to travel on either holiday? I’d rather be at work! So I will start dreaming of a real vacation after the holidays. Beach or mountains? All-inclusive resort? (no grocery runs, no cooking, no dishes—nice!) Put a little white space in my life. Palm trees. Coconut oil. Pineapples. Macadamia nuts. Okay, this blog is meandering. But I’m smiling. Are you?

Love Floats

Obama’s Facebook post today:

“Today, there are more women in America's workforce than ever before, and their contributions are vital to the success of our economy. They have tirelessly balanced responsibilities to work, family, and community, strengthening our economic leadership and enriching our national life.”

My comment:

“We are not tireless. We are exhausted.”

I can cite all the reasons and my personal complaints. The economy tanked. Layoffs escalated, fear gripped our souls, and bullying bosses took advantage of the situation, throwing humanity overboard sinking ships, keeping the bare minimum and cheapest employees and overloading them with excessive and unreasonable responsibilities. I make less than I did at age 29 and it costs five times as much to fill up my gas tank. Even with two incomes we struggle to live within our means, and must take side work to pay for extras like tires, property taxes, and home repairs. And we don’t have minor children at home – no soccer fees, cheerleader uniforms, or daycare costs. Self-employed people have it worse as health insurance costs are skyrocketing. A self-employed friend of mine can’t afford insurance, had a heart attack, and now can’t work. I’d love to lower my expenses. But my home is worth $150,000 less than I paid for it, and selling it now is like giving that money to the bank. And I’m one of the lucky ones who still has two incomes and hasn’t had to foreclose. Anyone feeling me here?

Do I feel my contribution is “strengthening our economic leadership and enriching our national life?” No. I feel like I’m putting band-aids on the Titanic, and I sink further every year. I think most of us understand how we got here, but we don’t know how to patch up the ship. How do we find happiness in our sinking dreams? My faith gives me a larger perspective, and helps me remember that life on earth is just tent camping. I can still love, care, laugh, and help others. It’s hard to let go of the expectation that success is possible with hard work. I guess I need to redefine success. No matter the obstacles, love is a choice. To love well is to be successful.

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast,
it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil
but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.

―The Bible : 1 Corinthians 13:4

The Dance of Romance

Love, love, love. We all need it. So many people are hoping to find it. And a lot of us have gained and lost it. And found it again. What’s the secret? Is there a magic bullet? Nothing like a broad subject here. So I’ll narrow it down. 40+-something midlife love. Dating with baggage. Can you afford to get remarried? What about your kids’ needs for your time and money? Does your ex still push your buttons? Do you just want a bootie call? I mean, seriously, let’s get real. Some people want a sexual credit card. Enjoy for free, run when payment is due. Back to dating. Hoping for the best. Feeling like you’re half blind and searching for gold in the darkness. Tripping over things you can’t see coming. Wondering about the timing of things in your life.

Aren’t we supposed to find that ideal someone in our 20s, have kids, launch them when we’re in our 40s, and recapture the freedom and glow of fresh love grown richer over time? I envy the ones who found their true love that way. Others waited, found love later, and made life work outside of the ideal time frame. The patient ones.

However, the more common story is marrying Miss or Mr. “almost right” in the prescribed time frame with suboptimal results. You buy stuff and have kids. It keeps you busy and distracted from the unsolved relational issues. Then some deal breaker comes along – money problems, an affair, an issue pushed too far, or just that dull ache of “there must be something better.”

I’ve been there. And the real issue was my faulty decision making. I wish I had gone to decision school. Wouldn’t that be nice? “I have my bachelor’s in wise decision making.” There is no universal magic bullet. The closest I have come to untangling this one is rigorous self-honesty. And the realization that the arbitrary time frame is bogus.

Someone once said “be the man your mother wanted you to marry.” That’s convoluted. But I get the essence. Be all you can be. Then hold out for someone worthy of you. No credit cards. Put all your cash down on the right number, then spin the wheel. I hope you win big.

Two Ages -- Alive and Not

You’re only young once but you can be immature forever. At some point we reach an age we never thought we’d be. And then the decades just keep flying by. There’s some stinking thinking that can be triggered by children who are embarrassed by you, sagging flesh, unflattering photographs of yourself, the tendency to gain weight by merely thinking about certain foods, and those fun little forgetful moments. My personal favorite is telling someone one of my best stories and having them say, “yeah, that’s what you said,” as their eyes glaze over. It’s true that we change as we age. Some ways are inevitable, and some are not. You can think “old” in your twenties. And you can think “young” into your 90s and maybe even beyond. Bob’s 90-something Aunt Mercy gave a spirited performance of classic songs at the Lopez family reunion. I can still see Frederee, my second mom, putting on a CD and dancing a little on her 90th birthday. She kept up with the times. She told her stories of the old days too, but also stayed hip to the here and now.

What are other secrets to staying young at heart? Keep your aliveness and enthusiasm for life. I am not of my kids’ generation and I don’t try to be, but we are inter-generational friends. My life on Facebook isn’t all about them. There’s a “Sue” in there beyond all my roles of wife, mom, grandma, and employee.

I went out last Friday night to hear a friend’s band and I jumped on stage and sang some harmonies. Muscled in, I guess. While off stage I danced, met new people (some in their 20s, others in their 60s), and (perhaps annoyingly) bounced a beach ball around the crowd. I could tell who was old inside and who was young inside. Old people don’t want to play. They want to talk. And they rarely want to listen. Old is not an age. It’s a state of mind. I may have life stages, but I don’t need to make age relevant to my ability to bond with people. Love is ageless.

Popularity or Greatness?

At the risk of revealing my lack of humility, I was the most popular kid in First Grade. The other children used to follow me around, worshipfully begging me to play with them. I can still hear them saying, “Susie, Susie, please pick me today.” I enjoyed the attention, of course, and continued to focus on my schoolwork and piano lessons. I didn’t just want to be the popular kid, I wanted to be the smart kid too. Greedy? Maybe.

Then puberty worked its hormonal confusion and being popular with boys added a new dimension. They liked girls who were good at sports, which I was not. “Popular” girls had a certain look and a coolness about them. I wanted to be the cheerleader and the homecoming queen, but neither happened. I guess I wasn’t “perfect” enough. I felt disdain for my flaws. My focus was more on popularity than greatness. I poured out my powerlessness over it all in my poems. I was drawn to songs that spoke to the popularity dilemma, such as “At 17” by Janis Ian. Music is a great release for adolescent angst.

Fast forward to present day popularity. Reality shows. Tabloid news. Stadiums full of “American Idol” wannabes. WE ALL WANNABE. Our chance encounter with George Lopez was filled with encouragement that if he could “make it,” so could Sue and Bob Lopez. But the question is, make what? Money? Fame? Celebrity? Some people get there by being great. Elton John comes to mind. But not all popular people are great.

My conclusion is that we all need to define greatness for ourselves and go for it. If popularity follows, that’s the icing on the cake. But pursuing popularity is frustrating, and I found it pretty empty. A steady diet of icing would get old. My greatness is in my ability to express. It takes many forms, and all have their rewards. I make money. I’m well known by the people I know well. And the paparazzi don’t bother me. My foibles don’t make the news. There are benefits to non-celebrity life.

Last night I was playing piano in a hotel lobby. A few “supermodels” stood nearby and had a very loud conversation about someone or shoes or something. The contrast stuck me. I was happy to be me. I’d rather be the talent than the supermodel. And I’d rather be Sue than Susie. My imperfections had a purpose after all. They give me dimension, depth, and—perhaps most importantly—humility.

Finding Peace Amidst Imperfection

I only have a few minutes to share this thought. Must get ready for work. I like my job. But do I wish today were Saturday? Yes. Do I wish Bob didn't have to work from 12-9:30 on Saturday? You betcha. I have almost trained my mind to recognize that thought, capture it, and quickly jump to another thought. It's a beautiful morning. Very still today. The sun is angling in across the yard and the kitchen counter. The counter is clean. The stove burners are not. The carpet is not. The windows are spotted. The chores are never done. The chores of life are never done. We are works in imperfect process. If I search for more imperfections, I will find them. If I search for peace, I'll find that too. The slow in and out of my breathing. The quiet in the house. The knowledge that God loves me, that Bob loves me, that I've been blessed with caring friends who have helped me through many a lonely Saturday. They understand. They have their own imperfections, and I do my best to empathize and help them on the pathway to peace. Love helps everything. It's the brake pad of life that keeps hard things from hitting each other. I'm always free to choose love. And peace. The hippies sure had that right! Peace out.

Dreaming

How much time do you spend dreaming every day? My answer is "not enough." I've become accustomed to life's can'ts instead of the cans. And just last weekend I was singing the song "Impossible" from Cinderella -- the quintessential song for dreamers. It says "impossible things are happening every day." And those things begin with a dream. The moment we stop dreaming, or believe a dream is stupid, our spirit dies. Not good. I dreamed of being a singer. I did it. I dreamed of writing songs. I did that too. I dreamed of finding my true love and marrying him. Wow, three for three! Then the obstacles got bigger. A work schedule that not only keeps us from spending time as a couple, it keeps us from having time to do our music. The obstacle hasn't won in reality. But maybe it has won over our spirits. Oh no. Not good. If it's possible for a plain yellow pumpkin to become a golden carriage, it's possible for two people who love each other to reclaim their lives and share their music. Because the world is full of zanies and fools who don't believe in sensible rules. And won't believe what sensible people say. And because these daft and dewey-eyed dopes keep building up impossible hopes, impossible things are happening every day. Thanks Rogers & Hammerstein!

Just say Yes!

One of my favorite songwriters wrote a song called “I Can’t Tell You No.” If you could see James Dean Hicks, you probably would have trouble telling him no too. But I digress. I love his line “all it takes is your sweet kiss, and yes starts rolling off my lips.” So much of life is about what we say yes or no to. This past weekend I said yes to almost everything. Yes I consumed too many calories…yes I lost sleep…yes I had a hangover three mornings in a row. Yes let’s meet after work at The Landing. Yes I’ll have some wine and yes I’ll have some real butter on that sourdough bread. Yes my mother-in-law can stay with us for the weekend. Yes let’s make that “not so easy” chicken pot pie recipe. Yes let’s drop more bucks than we can afford to see “Cinderella” at the Civic Arts Plaza. Yes let’s coordinate it so my sisters and brother-in-law can join us. Yes let’s buy cupcakes for $3.50 each, and let’s eat them. Yes I’ll go get a pizza. Yes I’ll give my testimony at church for both services. Yes I’ll sing too. Yes we can take Mom to mass. I did say “no” to Scrabble. I should have said yes. I would be batting a thousand. And I did pass on the Tequila shots because the headache isn’t worth it. It wasn’t really a no, because nobody asked me. The power of YES comes from its contrast to NO. If I always said yes to these things, they wouldn’t be as much fun. But do I wish I could say yes to all these things and more every weekend? YES, YES, YES!!! Here’s to more YES and less NO in life!

The Everythingers

Envy or gratitude, which one will you choose? I think envy is etched into our hearts through the illusion that there are people out there who have it all. I call them the “everythingers.” In high school they had good looks, good grades and good luck. They were the cheerleaders, jocks and homecoming court. Everybody liked them. We all wanted to be like them. If we were lacking some key ingredient, we felt defective. The marketers know this. They sell us weight loss pills, plastic surgery, overpriced make-up, steroids, and expensive online degree programs. They whisper “you can still make it” and “you may not have been born with the goods, but you can buy them.”

First of all, the everythinger perception is a myth. Someone may appear to have it all, but no one has it all for their whole life. Just like us mere mortals, they gain weight, get divorced, lose money on investments, struggle with their jobs, get frustrated with their children, lose loved ones and eventually die. Does it make any sense to envy them, or to try to become like them, or try to be like anyone else for that matter? Really? Ya think? What a recipe for misery.

I woke up a little grumpy this morning (as usual) and the unseasonably gray skies didn’t help. So I just started saying “thank you.” Thank you for my job, thank you for this breakfast, thank you for this car that still runs and gets me to work. Thank you for my husband, he’s a peach. I have my imperfections, just like the everythingers. I’d like to be in Hawaii snorkeling. My hair won’t do anything in damp weather. Oh well, I’ll hit the pool instead. My hair will look the same. I can eat a little healthier today, work out and firm up. I can choose less coffee and less alcohol and feel better. I like my eyelashes. And I like who I am today. Not every day, but today I can start over.

How often do we ask God “why?” when something bad happens? But do we ask “why?” when something good happens? No, that’s just expected. It’s a mixed bag. We can’t choose everything. But we can choose gratitude. That’ll do.

Superficiality Snob

I'm losing my patience for small talk. Not that I ever had much. I don't want to hear about how much you saved on your car purchase. I'm not that interested in most television shows, especially the "ego on parade" reality shows, and I don't think consuming 2,000 calories in one sitting at a restaurant is all that worthy of note. I guess I would call it "consumer talk." I feel it just consumes precious minutes that could be spent connecting about something more personal or sharing an activity. I love water volleyball. I like bowling. Swimming is life affirming. Every time I lose a loved one I am reminded how valuable, and short, our time on earth is. And how relationships are what matter. I am energized to truly live my life with less talk and more action. And more meaningful interaction. This is the desire of my heart and the deepest whine from my soul.

He was just here

Here are Bob's parents, Angie and Pete Lopez, sitting on our couch on Father's Day. Just a few weeks ago. Bob's sister had written a nice tribute to her dad and was reading it aloud. Her boyfriend had written a song called "You don't have to say good-bye" and had it recorded with family members singing and giving tributes to dad. We played it for dad that day and he just loved it. I was thinking, "this is kind of maudlin, because even though he's been sick for a year, he still seems so strong." I'm so glad we played it for him. Two weeks later, he was gone. Now we are planning his memorial service. It was much more fun paying tribute to him while he was here. A friend of mine wrote a poem for his mother after she passed away called "she was just here." That's how it feels when the loss is so new. I like Beth Nielsen Chapman's "Say Good Night not Good bye." This is surreal. I feel like Pete is on vacation. It seems like he will walk in any minute and say "hi Sue." His voice is still fresh upon my ear. It's almost like he's here.

Our loved ones are always with us. Thanks Pete for accepting me into your family and treating my like your own daughter. Thanks for raising such a wonderful son. He received his gifts of music and art from you. And you showed him how to treat a lady right. He is the man he is because you were the man you were. Your legacy lives on through him. I love you. I miss you. And I'll see you again. You're not getting rid of me.

What was my mission?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FFRxDmet-Lo

Here's a little video walk down memory lane. I was temping for a healthcare company and looking for a full-time gig, when my fingers did the walking through monster.com and landed on a listing for a copywriter at Pleasant Holidays. In seconds I was typing, "Dear dream job..." and before I knew it, there I was in the travel buz learning about Hawaii, Mexico, Tahiti, Asia, Australia, Fiji and New Zealand.

The company had just embraced a new mission statement and there was a contest for how to exemplify the new mission. The words "we're on a mission" popped into my head. I heard the sound of a jet in my mind, which reminded me of the Beatles' "Back in the USSR." Then I started playing with words that rhymed with "mission." Wow -- so many -- vision, expedition, competition...and the lyrics just fell out. Bob got the groove going and produced one heck of a song -- I'm never sure where my part ends and his part begins, which is a larger analogy for another time. He played all those instruments. Love the guitar solo -- go Bob! And yes that's me singing. I wanted the song to be a department project, not a solo entry, so my coworkers jumped in, took photos and created a slide show. The big "earth ball" was ours -- a gift to Bob from Donnelle -- and it was a fun photo prop since the company was known mainly for Hawaii travel, and was expanding to "take on the world."

Our little department won the contest and two air tickets to Hawaii. A lot of the folks in the video are not with the company anymore. It wasn't long after the video that the travel industry suffered the economic effects of 2008 and 2009. A new CEO came, layoffs ensued, and the magic was gone. This little memory of the "calm before the storm" will always be special to me, as I hope it is to all who were a part of it.

Redirecting

Yes I've been angry at someone. And you know it must be work related as I have been vague about details. Not my work. My job is good. The point is -- what's the point? Here come all the anger cliches. Hating someone is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat. Anger is a a poison that damages the container. You can't keep a bird from landing on your head, but you can keep it from building a nest in your hair. My anger is justified. Someone is being an inhumane jerk. When an employee tried to negotiate a win-win solution, he is told "maybe this job isn't right for you."

Now to my point -- the anger doesn't serve me. It's futile. REDIRECT it somewhere that matters, toward a battle worth fighting. This isn't even my battle, although it affects me. Another reminder not to fight in my own strength. I want justice! Justice for this mean person. But do I want justice for myself? Have I ever hurt anyone? Um, yeah. How did I feel toward those who judged me? I was very quick to say "God doesn't need your help, He can deal with me all by Himself, thank you very much."

I used to go river tubing, and one of my worst experiences was getting caught in the whirlpool around the trees on the bank. I fell off my tube and almost drowned. Anger is like those trees. It distracts you from the flow and just drags you down. My job is to focus on the river and steer toward the goal of who I want to be. And that is a loving person, not an angry person. Get back on your tube Mama Bear. God's got this.

Change

When the pain of not changing becomes greater than the pain of changing, you'll make that change. And yet it's still so hard to leave the decidedly uncomfortable comfort zone for the great unknown. Why do we cling to our chains? Why do I feel so strongly when someone I love accepts the unnacceptable? I can handle an act of God much better than an act of inhumanity. I'm not angry if my loved one gets cancer. Upset, yes. But I am FURIOUS when someone mistreats my family. I am loaded for BEAR. My mother was like that. She even said she became a mama bear protecting her cub. I called her mama bear. Now that's my moniker. Sandra Bullock said "If you threaten my family, you threatan me" in "The Blind Side." And she was packing.

There is no proven formula for life. There are no risk-free options. I know when I've felt abused or oppressed I've taken action. I can't "just take it." Call me kamikaze. Call me mad dog. Call me mama bear. I don't care. Don't mess with the S.

A little local color

Art is all about contrast. So is my life. This painting by artist Carolyn Counnas spoke to me today. It said, "Remember how much you used to like art Sue?" I liked horses too, but that's another story. Art was my favorite subject in school. I'd sit at the desk, start my assignment and in the blink of an eye Miss Anderson would say "clean up!" I loved when East Junior High implemented block scheduling, giving me two hours in art class. Like most artists, reality and practicalities distracted me from my first love. Life has become a tad structured and square, with less contrast and more gray than I'd like. A lady from my aerobics class invited me to go to the Thousand Oaks Art Walk today. I loved it. It felt divinely appointed. I love that a random connection that I did not "work" for resulted in my attending. And I saw this painting, among others. My artist's heart is feeling decidedly red. My hand is craving the feel of a paint brush. My world feels a little rounder. I think even my eyes are brighter. I think it was a wake-up call from God.

Look at the Kitty!

What is it about us humans that makes us seek comfort so fruitlessly? There is no such thing as a comfort zone. At best, it's short-lived. It is not a lofty goal. Change is constant. We all know these things in our heads -- but our little robot bodies still hold out hope. I love my new job. I'm happy. After only two months, two key executives have resigned. New leadership will come. In the meantime we go along as we have been and hope for the best. It happens so often that you accept a job with a certain situation and then the circumstances change. We face the unknown. Yet, even before this happened, a job is still only one day at a time. Discomfort is a state of mind. I don't have to choose it. But the little two-year-old who lurks in the back of my brain is stomping her little feet and sad to say good-bye to a wonderful boss. Hopefully soon she will be distracted by something bright and shiny. As Bob's mom used to say when she was trying to divert his attention from something negative -- "look at the kitty!" And he'd start searching for a kitty. Good plan.

Memorable moments

Somehow it popped into my head to make a list of my life's most memorable moments. What an enlightening exercise. The results surprised me. Most of my entries were connected to a "who." Many were connected to a "where" -- as in taking a trip. I tended to gravitate toward events that made me laugh rather than cry. I guess I'd rather remember the rainbow than the rain. Then I ran them through the filter of "why." And I looked at my motivations. The answer to most of the why's is "because it was fun." Nothing wrong with fun as a motivator. But after my pastor's teaching on Revelation today, I wondered how much of what I've done was for me, for others and for God. He also said life should not be a burdened trod but rather a spiritual dance. Dancing to please God sounds good. Win-win. Because I believe we are just visitors to this planet and then go on to eternal life through the grace of Jesus Christ, I wonder if I could look a little closer at the "why" of my actions. Which ones have an eternal impact, and which ones are disposable?

I've cleaned out homes of loved ones who have passed away. It doesn't feel good to go through their things and throw stuff away. I don't want a disposable life. I want to impact people. But only in concert with pleasing God. I'll be in His presence much longer than I will be on earth. I want to hear the words, "Well done, good and faithful servant." Do you?

Gamma Phi girl, I miss you

Almost Like You’re Here
Words & Music by Sue Lopez

Three a.m. I’m going down the stairs again
The snow is falling and I catch a chill
I light the candle on the desk and
See your photo on the windowsill

I remember nights when I would wake up just like this
I used to love the quiet time alone
Now the shadows swallow me
And I’d give anything if you were home

It’s almost like you’re here
I can almost hear you whisper in my ear
The angels heard my cry and when I close my eyes
It’s almost like you’re here

I pull the jacket you once wore around me
Hum a song I know would make you smile
I can be with you tonight and hold you close
If only in my mind

And it’s almost like you’re here
I can almost hear you whisper in my ear
The angels heard my cry and when I close my eyes

It’s almost like you’re here
I thought I heard you singing high
Upon the midnight clear
You live inside my heart no matter where you are
It’s almost like you’re here

Relationship Longevity

Watching my loved ones go through relationship struggles and divorces has led to thoughts about how we pick our partners and what makes relationships last. And I had an epiphany -- look beyond the situation. I used to think that meant one more way to rationalize staying in an unhealthy relationship, and that you're supposed to accept the unacceptable. Now I think it makes sense to apply it before you commit to someone, not just after. I truly believe if you make a wiser choice about whom you marry that the chances you will stay together are better. You don't marry a "situation." You marry a person. Okay, I sound like I'm lecturing. Let's try another approach. I can remember some bad reasons I got married or considered marrying someone. 1) I'm ready, he's ready, and our lives seem to fit together (now). 2) His ex was such a mess, I know I can be better for him. 3) My finances are unstable and he has a good job. 4) We live close, work close (or even for the same company) and have so much (situational stuff) in common. Then the job changes, or the finances go south, or character issues suddenly become visible. Why so suddenly? Because I wasn't looking for them in the first place. Situations change. Character usually does not. I wish I had taken a much deeper look and been content to work through my own imperfect situation until the right person for me came along. I'm not saying all my exes had bad character. I'm just saying that wasn't what I was looking at, and I should have. When I was engaged to someone else long ago, a lady asked me why I was marrying him. My first response was "look at my ring." She said, "It doesn't matter." I chose not to listen. But I always remembered it. And she was right. I love who Bob is, not what he has. Not the gifts he gives me. Our circumstances have changed a lot since we got married. There's no change in my commitment level to him, because it's based on what is unchanging in him. I am sad when I hear women talk about men as if they are walking wallets. Look a little deeper ladies. Character is golden, and it lasts.

Seeking Happiness

To all my friends who helped me through while I was in career transition -- thank you! To all my friends who are going through it -- I'm here for you. I found this little gem of a book called "When am I Going to be Happy?" by Penelope Russianoff, Ph.D. The subtitle is "How to Break the Emotional Bad Habits That Make You Miserable." Isn't life hard enough without us bringing ourselves down? Here's an excerpt:

"Inertia is the hand that depression uses to hold us in its grip. What usually happens is we become too emotionally exhausted to want to fight back, too listless to overcome our despondence. We don't feel like putting on the "Smile Mask" to get through a party. We begin committing social suicide. Difficult as it is to do, we can reach out to our friends. A real friend -- an honest and compassionate friend -- can have enormous therapeutic value. And a good friend is a lot less expensive than a therapist."

It's really hard, but you just can't let the bad guys win. Every positive thing you do for yourself is a hit at the bad guys. When the bad guys are winning, your loved ones are probably losing too. It's easy to slip into self pity and "learned helplessness," where you don't try, and soon you lose your confidence.

Several things worked for me. 1) Being honest with those who really care about me and accepting their help, 2) Praying -- a lot -- and believing the answer would come, and 3) Faking it! I went to Christmas parties even though I couldn't even eat any of the goodies because my stomach was in knots. I still showed up and put my game face on. Same thing with job interviews. I pretended I was the person my cat thinks I am.

My heart really goes out to everyone who is struggling with this right now. The economy stinks. It WILL change. Hang on. You are not alone.

A Good Home for the Puppy

I am learning some cool stuff from the educational books I read for my job. I learned about the four thinking types: Beach Ball, Clipboard, Microscope and Puppy.

I used to believe only linear and concrete people like the clipboards and microscopes made desireable job candidates. I would do my best imitation and hope to get the job, then get frustrated trying to tame my puppy-ness.

I was brave enough this time to be a puppy during the interview. Would you believe, it, they actually wanted a puppy?

Puppies are also known as abstract random thinkers. We like to talk about things. We live in a world of feelings and emotion and learn best when we can personalize information. And yes, we tend to take things personally. But I will be your loyal friend. Just throw me a bone and pat my head once in awhile!

Here's what's important to me in a work setting:

• Comfortable environment
• Encouraging atmosphere
• Supportive grouping
• Safe climate
• Respectful colleagues
• Empathic listeners
• Sensitive peers

This explains why my old work environment was so ill-suited to me. It was hard spending those five months in the shelter waiting for someone to take me home. I hope my new family is as happy with me as I am with them.

No matter what your brain type is -- it's wonderful to be wanted for exactly who you are. Be couragous enough to be yourself. It's worth it!

Cancer Sucks

Fight cancer with everything you've got.

On Settling

Six months ago I wrote the following...

"A wise friend told me to add something new you need to let go of something else. I'm about to let something go. Not my husband, don't worry. Let's call it a painful pair of shoes. You won't find the right shoes if you keep wearing the wrong ones. I need to trust in the pain. Pain is a sign that something needs attention. I'm willing to go barefoot, to step out in faith that I don't need to live in pain beyond the season I've suffered through. And if memory serves me right from having done this before, it won't be long before I say 'I stayed in those shoes too long.'"

Zoom to the present...

The barefoot months were painful too. More than I ever imagined. Second guessing was my favorite pastime. It felt like the scene from Dr. Zhivago in which Omar Sharif treks through the snow for what must be weeks or months. Was it worth it? Heck Yeah! Now that I'm on the other side of that journey I'm glad I trusted my gut. The hard part is that the pain can get worse before it gets better. Pick your pain. Settling is a chronic, soul-eating pain. Jumping off a cliff is an acute, frightening and LOUD pain. The point is that one leads to something new and the other doesn't.

Instead of settling, I'm CELEBRATING!

I'm so happy I didn't settle. Be bold, be strong -- God is with you.

Hush Money

Most relationships start out with lots of great talks about how you think a relationship should be. It's fun to share all your dreams and say "me too!" to your potential soul mate. Talking about it is one thing. Living it is another. The guy who wanted to be with you every night gets back to his night out with the guys. And she is having "headaches" more often. In exchange, he buys her a little bauble. Or she makes him a pie. He manicures the lawn but leaves a pile of dishes. She puts on a few pounds and says "don't be so superficial." More baubles. Maybe even a Plasma TV with a tricked out sound system. Or that SUV they "need." "Take this, honey, and please don't bring up that subject I'm so tired of arguing about." Hush. Here's some money. I'm not saying this is happening to me. But I recognize it as a weed that could grow if it's not ripped out in the early stages. It has the potential to snuff out intimacy, harden a heart and breed dishonesty like rabbits. It's the enemy we must keep at bay. The cure? Be honest. Respect the other person's honesty even when it's not what you want to hear. Do what you say. Make your words and actions line up. Recognize you may not get everything you want -- but if you have honesty and mutual respect, that is enough. There isn't enough money in the world to hush me. But, thankfully, there is enough love.

Too good to be true?

I think I have landed a dream job. I'm nervous even typing that. I feel like I have gone from a trailer park in a cold, dreary town to Beverly Hills. It's an amazing culture shock. I am lecturing myself to not talk about my ghetto past to my new cube mates. But the contrast is giving me a deer-in-the-headlights expression that defies Botox. The moral lesson here was eloquently explained by my second Mom Frederee -- "If something drags you down, turn it a-loose." And there is so much pressure to tolerate abuse. Don't. Please, don't. Move on. God is with you in seeking respect. You don't earn respect by tolerating disrespect. And don't listen to people who tell you to "just accept it." You are good. You are worthy of respect. Don't put up with crap. I put up with it for too long, thinking "it's just me," "it's like this everywhere," "the world has changed," and "I must be more tolerant." NO! I must be more persistent. Detach with love. Move on. Hang with people you admire and want to be like. Make the effort to improve and strive for excellence. The gutter is no place to hang out. Rise above. You deserve it. And you're worth it!

Skinny isn't Everything

I've lost 18 lbs. since last November. That's a lot for a vertically challenged person. Now that I'm at my "ideal" weight, I've had some revelations.

1) I'm still the same person no matter what my weight is
2) A stressful and sedentary desk job is an ideal situation for gaining weight
3) Loss of income is an ideal situation for losing weight
4) No matter what my weight is, health and self-acceptance are the truly important things
5) Now that people comment on my weight loss, I wonder if they were thinking before that I was really fat
6) I don't judge anyone for their weight and I won't join in discussions commenting on someone's weight
7) It is more fun to try on clothes when I'm happier with my weight
8) Losing the weight goes along with losing the negative self-talk about needing to lose weight
9) Losing weight is all about calorie reduction

There's no mystery to how I did it. I consumed significantly fewer calories. I decreased my portion sizes. I didn't eat between meals. I made healthier food choices, including yogurt shakes and salads. I was exercising about the same amount before and after the weight loss. If I crave something sweet, I just have a few bites. After a few weeks of withdrawal, I became full and content on less food.

It's so important to accept yourself as you are, make corrections with gentleness, and focus on being healthy. It's not about image. It's about being happy on the inside. Peace out.

Envy

So I wore green on St. Patrick's Day for nothing -- I could have worn my jealousy on my sleeve and been suitably bedecked. Envy, jealousy, coveting -- a blog topic by request. I wish I had something truly original, but I must quote Dr. Laura on this one. She said "no one gets two full sets of dishes." I think that's a variation on "The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence." (back to green -- how convenient) What would be considered "two full sets?" How about a stellar career, the intimate relationship of your dreams, loving children and a gorgeous home. (I would call it both love and money) And for how long -- all your life? I think what Dr. Laura is saying is that there are times you need to choose -- take the job that requires traveling for the money but leave your family -- or downsize your life because the money isn't flowing and risk finding out your mate loves the money more than she loves you. So one set of dishes is more important than the other set.

Then...we look at other people and make assumptions. That can really give us green eyes. But we rarely see them in proper perspective. Someone who looks wealthy may be up to their elbows in debt. A happy marriage could be a nightmare behind closed doors. Or that job could be lost, and that wonderful spouse could die. (getting dark here...)

So I default to the only attitude that works for me -- gratitude for each day, recognition that nothing belongs to me and remembering I'm not entitled to anything. I have this day. In every day there is much to be grateful for. Monthly payments and regular paychecks counter this way of thinking, to be sure. Worry be gone. Thankfulness -- bring it on. Envy is a choice I choose not to make. And if someone is envious of you -- maybe she needs a reminder of all she has to be grateful for. Like having a friend who cares enough to help her see that.

Waiting

Someone says he or she will call but not exactly when. So you wait. Makes no difference whether it's after a date or a job interview. Waiting is waiting. For a friend of mine, it was the call that never came after what seemed a successful first date. Mr. not-so-wonderful had planned another date and then did not call or show up. We seriously wonder if he met with foul play. He probably will if he decides to call after all this time now.

I'm waiting for the "after the interview" call. My phone is with me every minute. I think. Yet I still miss calls somehow. But not "that call," not yet. It's tedious. I suppose it's character building. Life goes on. I wo-wo-wo-wo-wonder. For now I'm going to throw on something green and celebrate my heritage. Oh no -- I have to wait one more hour. Ok. I can do that! Happy St. Patrick's Day everyone!

Rocks

Bob and I took a drive through Hidden Valley and stopped outside a prominent billionaire's ranch. There were expansive green fields with white fences, a mansion, stables and many huge "rocks" -- boulders really -- imported from Thailand. They had to be shipped rather than flown in because they were too heavy to transport by air. (How I know this is a topic for some other time) I would guess each boulder is at least 20 feet tall. Those rocks are a metaphor for the stumbling blocks in my brain. Sometimes I just run into the same rock over and over...I know I've been there before but can't remember the key to getting around it. I feel stuck and a little crazy. I know people care about me, are praying for me and I can be hard on myself. I'm often seeking the answer in too small of a box. "Will I get this job? What will I do if I don't?"

Then I had an epiphany. A "zoom-out" experience. I still have value even if I don't get "that job." I matter even if I don't make money. My value is not in my achievements. My value is in who I am -- because God made me, and he didn't make no junk. I was forgetting that and falling prey to "toxic achievement syndrome." (I made up that term) There's nothing wrong with achieving or having goals. A wise person told me to "work toward your goals and pray for your desires." What's not healthy is holding myself accountable for achieving all my goals AND my desires. I create my own stress when I blame myself for what is out of my control. I strive for quality and get frustrated when I do not achieve perfection. Thus the beating of my head against the boulder.

So I'll keep swinging the bat. But I won't beat myself up with it.

Who's the Boss?

I know two things for sure. There is a God. And I'm not Him. Yet I find myself taking the weight of the world on my shoulders as if I'm self-sufficient. I think it through, and then pray specifically for the solution I think is best. However, I might have missed something. The solution may affect people besides me. There is a master organizer putting things in place His way and in His time. He knows my needs. I don't need to tell him what I think is the best solution. He has promised to provide. He has, and He is. Just not the way I thought, or specifically requested. I have a job interview next week. I am praying that I get the offer. Then I'll have a new boss. Whether I get it or not, God is my employer. He's not here for me. I'm here for Him. I think I'm being tested (not just for the job either - that's a whole other story). "Sue do you trust Me?" Only a fool would say no. Look at my little Blake trusting me to catch him in the pool. Kids make it look easy. Yet it's difficult for us grown-ups. Like playing the piano, trusting takes practice. I think I'll add "I surrender all" to my daily piano practice. And I wonder if I can learn Excel by next Wednesday. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Peace out.

Winds of Change

I've been thinking too hard. My head hurts. A sick family member, job hunting, doing taxes and watching the nest egg disappear are enough cement blocks to threaten the flight of even the biggest hot air balloon. Well how fortunate that I've been blessed with an abundance of hot air! Give the brain a rest and activate the lungs. Put your lips together and blow that balloon back up! One of my favorite bosses used to say "remember none of this is really happening." He also said "once you get past your own repugnance, you'll be fine." He had a way of putting things in perspective. I think I've been overthinking this. It's a phase. It will pass. God is good. And...after all...tomorrow is another day!

Career Conundrum

According to the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), I am an ENFP:

* E – Extraversion preferred to Introversion: ENFPs often feel motivated by their interaction with people. They tend to enjoy a wide circle of acquaintances, and they gain energy in social situations (whereas introverts expend energy)
* N – iNtuition preferred to Sensing: ENFPs tend to be more abstract than concrete. They focus their attention on the big picture rather than the details, and on future possibilities rather than immediate realities.
* F – Feeling preferred to Thinking: ENFPs tend to value personal considerations above objective criteria. When making decisions, they often give more weight to social implications than to logic.
* P – Perception preferred to Judgment: ENFPs tend to withhold judgment and delay important decisions, preferring to "keep their options open" should circumstances change.

ENFPs are initiators of change, keenly perceptive of possibilities. They energize and stimulate others through their contagious enthusiasm. They prefer the start-up phase of a project or relationship, and are tireless in the pursuit of new-found interests. ENFPs are able to anticipate the needs of others and to offer them needed help and appreciation. They bring zest, joy, liveliness, and fun to all aspects of their lives. They are at their best in situations that are fluid and changing, and that allow them to express their creativity and use their charisma. They are easily frustrated if a project requires a great deal of follow-up or attention to detail.

Good careers for my type include teaching, art, marketing, church worker, counseling, writing, music and helping professions.

Now to the job/employment search. Most manager types take my energy and enthusiasm and try to put it in a box. They expect that I can sit in a chair at a computer for 40+ hours each week and give them the creativity they want. No variety. No flexibility. They expect mastery of the latest analytical software and “extreme attention to detail.” In short, they hire an ENFP then try to convert me to an ISTJ. And they say women try to change men. Dr. Phil would say “how’s it working for you?” Not so great folks.

I’m with Sammy Davis Jr. – I gotta be me. I am about ready to move to the island for misfit toys. You just can’t put Sue in the box. God made me this way. His guidance is my only hope. Please God, just pick me up like a chess piece and place me where I fit.

Just for Today

Just for today I'll make friends with the pain
I won't run away, I'll just let it rain
And I'll feel, I'll be real
Let the tears fall where they may
Just for today

Just for today I'll surrender this longing
To take what I want when it's not what I need
Let it go, bare my soul
I'm letting go of the reins
Just for today

Tomorrow is too much to bear
And yesterday's what brought me here
Learning to live in this moment
Safe in God's hands

Just for today I'll step up to the plate
I won't run away, look myself in the face
Let God in, start again
I'm willing to do it His way
Let the tears fall where they may
Just for today

I sang this at a 12-step meeting last Saturday. I played guitar. It wasn't perfect. But it's ok. Living in the moment is so much less stressful than zooming out and focusing on the master plan. Because we never have the master plan. God has the puzzle box, and we have a few pieces. Play your piece. And pray for peace.

Relax and Persevere

I have caused myself unnecessary stress by holding myself responsible for things out of my control. Like when I would get married. Or who would like my audition. And will the client like my idea. What a perfect recipe for stress. My mom used to say "all you can do is your best." Who knew I had the answer given to me way back then? I am responsible for the effort. God is responsible for the results. I can even blame God when I don't get the results I want. I'm so off the hook! Putting in effort is not easy, but it is not stressful. Stress is related to worry, which is bad for us. So I guess the trick is distinguishing between effort and stress. Persevering is good. Then let it go. The ego wants results. The heart wants a sense of purpose and reward. Straight A's, Grammy Awards and happy clients are not bad things to achieve. It's the motivation for the achievement that matters -- a big head or a happy heart. Seems to me a big head just leads to more pressure and more stress. Contentment of heart and soul is not based on results or perfection, but rather purpose. Contentment is my goal. I'll do my best not to stress over it.

Being Human

Some famous philosopher said "to be is to do." Another said "to do is to be." Sinatra said "do be do be do." I find it very difficult to "just be." I can veg out with the best of them -- after I've DONE something. I've had seasons of being way too busy and I complained about it. I'm in a season right now where everything I do is my own doing. I don't have a boss, other than God. And if I am hearing God correctly through the words of the Bible and the counsel of my praying friends, the message is "rest in God's peace." There is a story in the Bible about Mary and Martha. (they were sisters and they had Jesus over for supper) Martha was ticked at Mary because instead of helping with the meal, Mary was listening to Jesus. Martha asked Jesus to rebuke Mary, and instead he stood up for Mary, saying she was doing what was best. I guess my point is that it's easier for me to be a "human doing" than a "human being." But I must trust that there are seasons for doing and seasons for being. While I'm "being" I hope I am "being prepared" for what I'm here on earth to do. For now, I'll be. Peace out.

Just Around the Bend

When the storm is raging overhead
When your dreams are scattered in the wind
When your hope is gone and you're barely hanging on
There is a dawn, just around the bend

When you lose a person that you love
When you wonder why it had to end
The reason for your pain may give you strength
If you can make it through the rain
Just around the bend

Just around the bend the sun is shining
Even though it's hard to comprehend
Pray with all your heart, and follow every star that heaven sends
The answer waits for you just around the bend

Be thankful we don't get what we deserve
We do our best and then we make amends
We live our lives by faith even when we make mistakes
There's heaven's grace just around the bend

Storms

Today's weather is a reminder that we are in a stormy season. I could "awfulize" by enumerating specifics, beginning with the tragedy in Haiti. But then I'd just start a cloudburst inside myself and blow you off my blog.

If sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy, isn't it logical that storms (of all kinds) make me sad? Maybe that's a variation on the theory that to experience happiness you have to let in the pain too. Or be numb.

There is another option -- peace on the inside amidst the storm. How on earth do you get there? Not on earth I guess. It takes looking up, beyond the earth, to a power greater than earth. When I look upon injustice, pain, suffering and death, I remind myself that God steps in. I see other humans through my human eyes and imagine how they feel. But I can't truly know how they feel. God knows. And He has the power to ease their pain, heal their afflictions, rescue their souls and transcend any earthly calamity.

I am naturally saddened by storms. But I am supernaturally calmed by the knowledge that God has promised His comfort and mercy. And it's His job, not mine. My job is to pray. So I am. And I will continue to pray for everyone going through a storm of any kind. May you find the peace that surpasses all understanding.

Winners and Losers

American Idol's new season begins tonight. Stadiums full of wannabe singing stars wait hours for their shot at a team of so-called "experts" who will decide their fate. Many of them don't make it to the "real" judges. A relative handful make it to Hollywood, where the top 24 are selected and narrowed down to the top 12. You know the drill. Hope. Pressure. Disappointment. Elation. And sometimes even the winners seem to drift back into obscurity post-season. I've been a winner and a non-winner. But never a loser. You can only be a loser if you never try. I've tried out for cheerleader. to sing the National Anthem at Dodger stadium, for bands, for parts in plays and for the number one place in way too many "talent contests" to count. It's an experience that makes your mind spin and your entire body perspire. Your voice shakes. People look you up and down and all around. Sometimes they say "I don't know, I just don't like your voice." And sometimes - you get the prize. Why lie, it's nice. Standing in front of 38,000 fans singing "Oh say can you see..." is a thrill. A standing ovation after a "Star Search" modulated arrangement of "Over the Rainbow" is a moment I will never forget. In this photo I'm holding my prize. Having someone else deem me "a winner" feels great. But even more important is taking the chance of not being selected. You're a winner if you show up. Kudos to all the AI contestants. No guts, no glory!

Knowing yourself

Meet Pink. You may not see the resemblance, but Pink is part of me. And I believe he is a boy, though that is not obvious either. I made him in second grade. His legs are uneven. So are his ears. He has fallen and been glued back together. He is imperfect yet you know he is an elephant. Many a perfectionist, or even an older version of me, could improve on his proportions. But why? Where does this desire to perfect everything come from? Should art be perfect? I'm stuck on that fence sometimes. Certainly in music I like notes to be in tune. Most people like proper proportion and symmetry in art. We don't like one pant leg shorter than the other or a floor that slants. So the question becomes where do you draw the line? (literally) How do you "get better" without losing your uniqueness? Pink reminds me I was born to be an artist. Maybe not a sculptor (then again, NO!), but my heart is in art and always has been. Caring friends invite me into their grids and I feel loved but I am not inspired there. I like the whimsical, the unpredictable and most often the nonsensical. I guess I look through Pink-colored glasses.

The Baby New Year

A brand new year. A fresh start. Look at it with a child's eyes. Anything is possible. It's never too late for a second chance. I'm right there with you. Maybe what didn't work before will work this time. Ask for what you want. Love a little harder. Smile even when you don't feel like it. Tell someone something nice about them. Let go of last year's hurts. Ditch the bitterness. Go outside, look around and take in the natural beauty. Take purposeful breaks from cyberspace. Call someone you haven't talked to in awhile. Get in your car and visit that friend who lives two hours away. Have someone over for dinner. Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance. Dance. And hug that baby. Any baby. Then refresh your screen -- your brain -- and your heart. Happy new year!