Selfish or self-honoring?

One of the hardest things I’ve ever done is make a decision to honor my heart even though I knew it hurt someone I loved. There was so much internal pressure to do the “right” thing, the “dutiful” thing, and stay married because I had promised to love, honor, and cherish. But can you promise love? I mean deep down “you’re my soul mate” kind of love. How can you promise what you can’t control?

I was raised to be dutiful. My parents were from “the greatest generation.” They married in July of 1941, and after Pearl Harbor was attacked, my dad enlisted in the Navy. He had an extremely strong work ethic, and my mom ran our home like a Ritz-Carlton, even down to custom menu items. My mom never said “you’re on your own for dinner tonight.” Food came like clockwork, beds were always made, the house was always clean, and my clothes were always purchased, washed, ironed, and put away. I have no doubt that my parents loved each other. And I have no doubt that early on in their 32-year marriage, they found incompatibilities and value differences that were put in the back of the closet but infected the whole house. They stayed together until I was 16 out of duty to us. I give them an A for effort but it breaks my heart that they chose self-sacrifice over the truth and a shot at real happiness for all those years.

I will make sacrifices for those I love. I will go without something to have money for a gift, I will cook when I’m sleep-deprived, and I will sit up all night in the emergency room with a friend when her kid is having surgery. But I couldn’t love so much if I didn’t love myself too. I want to have a happy and truthful relationship, not a gritted-teeth illusion founded on duty. And I want that for everyone, including my ex. Would it have been honoring to him for me to cheat him of the opportunity to be truly loved? Some people go through a rough patch and then fall in love again. I had to make the best decision at the time. It hurt my heart. But my heart would hurt more if I stayed married while pining for someone else. And I think that would have been the less honorable thing to do. I knew it would hurt either way. And the scars are mine to wear. I’m convinced nothing hurts more than living a lie. And I’m glad I don’t have to do that. The truth truly does set you free.

Humanity Makes All the Difference

I've lived in Westlake for almost four years. During the first three I wondered if I had made a mistake by moving from our cheaper, but less happy, home in Simi Valley. Westlake is beautiful, but I wasn't enjoying it. I'd drive to work and count the minutes until I could run home for lunch, and then home for the evening. I wanted to work at home because writing is best done away from people in a quiet space. I resented my job for keeping me away from home. Bob's job "devolved" and our hours weren't going together, so I didn't even look forward to the weekends. I'd look at the house and think "this is all I have, a house." His work hours were arbitrary too, sitting at a desk every Saturday night even when there were no events to support, just punching the clock for a boss who couldn't step one single hangnail out of the box if his life depended on it. We had been dumbed down, stepfordized, and were on the path to stupid robot world. I went to college for this? His 30 years of expertise meant nothing? The driving force was "conform or be punished." We had become two-year-olds in the nursery from hell. Well-meaning people encouraged us that the Lord had us in these ill-fitting cribs for a reason, to "be a light" to people. I was not buying it. It just sounded like "here's why you need to settle." Being happy with what you have is one thing. I'm happy with my 10-year-old Jeep. I'm not hungering for a Mercedes. But settling for something miserable is quite a different thing. It's sick to think that's the best you can do. So I jumped out of the box and went on a 5-month freefall. I landed somewhere wonderful. Bob has now jumped and is in freefall. Well, you never get hurt in the air! I'm confident that wherever he lands, it will be better. And the kicker? Life is a million percent better. I wake up and look around and feel blessed. I get to live here? Really God? I go to work and am amazed by the smart people I get to learn from. I get to work from home when it makes sense. So I work MORE. I give MORE. I grow MORE. Out of my gratitude, I am a much more productive employee. Oh if only companies realized when they treat people badly what they are losing. Stripping people of their uniqueness, humanity, a personal life, and their souls should be a crime. But people who allow it contribute to the problem. Speak up. Do whatever you must to honor your own humanity. Because when you honor yourself, you honor the world. You make it a better place. The bad guys don't win. They're left standing there, looking at the empty crib, thinking they wish they had the courage to fly away. Take wing all you free spirits!