Crossroads

I find myself at a crossroads of my life. One chapter has ended and a new one has not begun. It's not as simple as making up my mind and pursuing a goal, because I want to make sure God is in this and I don't want to run ahead of His plan for me. He sends me signs -- open doors, closed doors. It would be my nature to just pound harder on the closed doors, in fact, to bang my head against them. Lack of determination has never been a problem for me. Until now. The mixed signals are not making any sense. A door seems to open, I take a step -- make that call, reach out, whatever -- then -- nothing. No answer. A person who offered to help is suddenly unreachable. So I try another door. I feel unanswered. So the answer may be "wait." Take time to be still. God answers those who seek Him. It's like putting popcorn in a pan, turning on the heat, but it won't pop. Or like an airplane on the runway that doesn't take off. I have wonderful friends and loved ones who care about me. I am grateful. They do what they can. But no one else eats your food for you, feels your feelings or wears your shoes. We are individual travelers on this earth. We are all in it together, yet we are separate too. These feelings are not unique. And I'm not complaining. But to be honest, I feel very awkward in a stage of "wait." It feels so passive. It would be so much more comforting to know what to do rather than to wonder. No one can answer this for me. And that is a lonely feeling.

Love Levels

I heard Tony Robbins explain the four levels of love the other night and haven't been able to get it out of my head. Level 1 -- Baby love. I want something. You give it to me. Waaah. Totally one-sided. Level 2 -- Horse trading. He also called it "whoring." You give me something, and I give you something back. As long as the deal works for us, we stay with it. But if the deal becomes unbalanced, you're out. Level 3 -- true, unconditional love. I love you through thick and thin, in sickness and in health, and I value you. You value me. Level 4 -- Something like service love. Like Nelson Mandela spending his time in prison planning how he will serve the world when he's out. Let's go back to that second one. Horse trading is also called "whoring?" If you're truly just trading horses, I don't think that is the same as trading your body for money. I think there are gray areas here. However, it hit me between the eyes that I have considered relationships based on the deal that is offered. A nice dinner for a kiss goodnight. Trading time for money in general. Viewing the deal as "what's in it for me?" In other words, would Donald Trump be as valuable to women without his money? Would Heidi Klum be a hot model if she looked like Margaret Thatcher? That feels like commoditizing people. And it feels icky. I have felt commoditized by employers before. Like I'm just a number. If they can get the job done cheaper, they will. Their decisions are driven by their business goals and the all-important profit margin. If I make more money for them than I cost, I'm of value. For sales people, that is easy to define. For writers and other artistic types, not so much. Great singers get dropped from record labels when their product sales dip. Their life's work is quantified, and the quality is not a factor. Quality is in the eyes (or ears) of the beholder. I find this a very inhumane and uncomfortable truth. This is when I say "I don't have a business mind." Maybe it's that I can't find the humanity in the business mind. I don't want my next career chapter to be based on horse trading. I want it to be based on love. Is that possible? I think so. I have seen it, I think. I want to live a life based on service and spirituality, not ego. I want to be more about giving than greed. More evolved than elitist. More down-to-earth and less dogmatic. More socially conscious than socially stunted. Dreamer. Yep. And proud of it.

Do the Right Thing

Two words that can make me slip up on this one are "even if." In every situation, I know the right thing to do. It may not be the thing I want to do. It may not be consistent with how I feel. I may fail. But I know.

I've been treated with dishonor and unfairness many times over the course of my life. I actually have a harder time "behaving" when one of my loved ones is mistreated. That brings out the protective "mama bear," which I learned from my mother. I want to play Dirty Harry and take the law into my own hands. I want to retaliate. I have had revenge-filled fantasies.

That response may be appropriate at times. While walking my dog by the school in my neighborhood, I observed a big kid picking on a smaller kid. The smaller kid was crying and shaking his fist. I just stood there with my all-knowing and empathetic Golden Retriever and looked the big kid in the eye. The big kid approached the smaller kid and put his arm around him. Justice wasn't mine, but I felt that my witnessing served a purpose.

I believe we are here to help each other. But I must discern which battles are mine and which are not. I am not God. I can't make anyone else do the right thing. But I can pray that they will. And I can respond appropriately. I don't get to retaliate or have a tantrum. Behaving badly is, well, my bad. Lecturing is probably pointless. I can calmly state how I feel. Then I need to let it go.

Harboring resentment is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat. People will not always do what I want them to do. I still want to do the right thing. Even if they hurt me. Even if they steal from me. Even if they do not follow through on their promises. What goes around comes around. And I am not the administrator of that process. Somehow it all works for my good when I trust that God is in control. But some days, it's really, really tough.

Be Still

Did your parents ever tell you to be still? Mine sure did. And my heavenly Father tells me that too. "Be still and know that I am God." I don't think He is referring to vegging out in front of the TV or with a spy novel. I think the message is to meditate in a spiritual way.

This is not my nature at all. I like to DO rather than BE. This principle is not limited to any specific religion. We are human beings, not human doings. So many things fill our time -- work, chores, family, activities, etc. It's rare to have "down time." When we do, we are often tired, and instead of taking quiet time to reflect, we flip on the TV, surf the Internet, or whatever else we do to turn off our brains and wind down.

Sometimes I take that time to talk with Bob. I like hearing about his day, what he's feeling, etc. It's tempting then to discuss "to do's," like making a dentist appointment or picking songs for our next gig, etc. It's so easy to let the focus on "doing" infiltrate our "nondoing" moments.

I once heard the concept of listening demonstrated this way. Have someone whisper in your ear while you are talking. Do you hear what the person is saying? Listening requires being quiet. If we are going to listen for divine guidance, we need to be quiet.

If you're anything like me, you have more things to get done in a day than you can possibly do. I feel like I'm always behind. I often feel like the most important things get squeezed in between the mundane things like eating, cleaning, taking care of the pets, laundry, grocery shopping, etc. As Stephen Covey says, we often major in minor things. So I think I'm going to outsmart the system. How can I shop less often and make it more efficient? How often can I afford take-out? Is there a dinner I can make in 10 minutes? Can I send my dog to day camp today? If I don't get the house dirty, I won't need to clean it as much. Mindgames.

How about this. Take quiet time each day. Meditate on what matters most. Accept that a lot of minor things won't get done, or won't get done perfectly. Breathe in quiet. Breathe out stress. Breathe. Chill. Be still.

Embracing the vision

I know I'm going to sound like I'm now a disciple of a new guru. My Christian brothers and sisters may be skeptical of my new-found fervor for Iyanla Vanzant. I listened to her Life Class on Oprah's OWN network yesterday (oprah.com/lifeclass) and "ahas" are going off in my head.

I have been punted out of a job into the air and am seeking a new vision for my next season. I read my Bible, my "Jesus Calling" book, go to counseling and attend 12-step meetings. I am seeking God's direction and not looking for a quick fix or a cult to join. I don't think one person has all the answers, and I know that Iyanla is a flawed human just like the rest of us. But wow, she is a great teacher. She has a way of guiding me to see things from a different perspective.

My desire has been to uncover any ways that I am limiting myself. She told a man who is struggling with similar issues that he is addicted to his story. Wow. If I keep telling the same story about myself instead of focusing on the new vision, of course I'm going to keep myself stuck.

I even wrote my life story, and as I looked at it with fresh eyes after hearing Iyanla's teaching I said "that's me! I'm addicted to my story!" A self-limiting obstacle has been identified.

So often I hear words that are supposed to help and they do not resonate with me. I hear them, but I don't feel them. That's the way my brain is wired. Or to put it another way, I see the ladder but I don't see the rungs. I don't get the "how do I apply this" part. Iyanla has a gift for demonstrating truth and wisdom in a way that I can feel, internalize, and apply so that I progress on the path that God has laid out for me.

God has been there all the time, and He gave me fellow travelers who believe in me. The only one messing it up was me. No more sob stories for me. I sing. I write. I dream. I can. I will. I'm going to. I am. And I refuse to fail.

Daddy's demons

I don't know where I heard the phrase "we fight our Daddy's demons." I might have made it up. My dad had some pretty intense struggles. His story is not mine to tell. But the impact of his struggles shaped my psyche and influenced me in many ways in my formative years. Some of those teachings served me well. He was a Harvard grad who used big words and had me study "It pays to increase your Wordpower" in the Reader's Digest. He held my hand through every step of Algebra and Geometry. He valued education and always encouraged me to learn. We had many conversations about politics and ideas. We had very few discussions of a personal or emotional nature. I have made my living with words and I have him to thank for that.

My passion for communication comes from the fact that my family struggled with it. There was a lot of pressure to "achieve at all costs," often at the expense of relationships or taking care of yourself. Some days I catch myself imitating the patterns that did not lead to happiness. I get so involved with duties, chores, and striving that the ability to live in the moment is overruled. And when I get in that mode, downing a few glasses of wine seems to offset the stress. What it does in reality is anesthetize feelings, add sugar to my system, give me empty calories, and give me a headache the next morning.

It's not the wine that's bad. It's they why behind the wine. The real demon of pushing myself without balance, love, or humanity. Spirits are no substitute for spirituality. A therapist once told me to go get a bottle of my dad's alcohol of choice. She said "put that bottle on the chair and talk to it. Ask it to love you. Ask it to help you. Ask it to help make your life better. It doesn't, does it?" Yet its bait can be so powerful. How do you deal with it?

Alcoholics Anonymous suggests that we come to believe in a power greater than the alcohol. That's where the spirituality comes in. A power beyond my human will and my human strength. It doesn't mean I don't exert effort. But I realize I am not responsible for all of the results. My higher power is. How people live without believing in a higher power baffles me. How depressing to look at this world and think this is all there is, and I must conquer it myself. I don't want to conquer it. I want to contribute to it. I'll do better if I'm healthy, positive, and higher-powered. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Get moving!

I haven't been taking very good care of myself lately. I used to be an almost health nut. Somewhere along the line a glass of wine here and there became a daily habit. I stopped taking vitamins. My food planning became driven by whatever was on sale. And a four-times-a-week step aerobics class became twice a week low impact, then progressed to walking my dog, and now I throw the ball for him from my couch.

The results aren't pretty. Clothes don't fit. I see photos and think "what happened to me?" I went to the doctor and turned my back to the scale. I said "I don't want to see the number, just write it down and don't tell me." A man nearby said, "chicken." How honoring of my patient confidentiality.

There is so much pressure from advertisers to address this harshly with a Jenny Craig program or some magic metabolic pill. I'm more afraid of the hype than I am for my health! I just made a decision that I want to be healthy. If I commit to that each morning out of self love, I know what to do. Mostly get more active.

I will focus on the benefits. I know it will help me breathe better. I'll have more energy. I'll feel more positive. And it's a good way to tell the swarming buzzards of age and disease that they are not welcome here. My body is a temple and I've been treating it like a flop house.

One of the things I liked least about corporate life was having to sit at a computer all day. I dreamed of all the things I could do if I could only work from home. I'd take walks, dance around the house, jog on the beach, etc. I've been unchained for a month now and am I doing those things? Not so much. I must have gotten in a rut. Institutionalized. I think it's just getting started that's the hard part. That's why people say it's best to exercise at the beginning of the day.

Ok. New mindset. I embrace health. I bind the spirit of sickness. God please help me. I'm going in!