Love is the Key

"Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal." 1 Corinthians 13:1

I started writing this verse in my journal today. Only I misspelled "cymbal" as "symbol." I love when I accidentally stumble upon a principle. Do I want to be a person who is fully engaged in humanity, or just a "symbol," like the little figure with the skirt or pants that lets us know which restroom to pick?

I don't want to be a symbol. I don't want my work life to be something I do to move money around that has no higher or humane purpose. I want love to be the primary force in my entire life, all parts of it.

The key to my job search is being inspired by the mission of the company I'm working for. Whether I'm managing projects, writing words or taking out the garbage, it doesn't matter. I'm furthering a mission that has value and honor beyond me. Beyond my bills. I may not love every task. But I want to put love into every effort.

Now I am truly on a mission.

Friendships Sweeten with Age

Yes, her mother really did name her Venus. I can still hear her mom's voice saying "Venus Ann you better be home early." Venus and i met while trying out for cheerleader in 11th grade. She made it. I didn't. I was her friend from "uptown." She considered herself from the "other side of the tracks" as she lived outside of the Downey school district. I thought she was an amazing dancer. She could sing too. I thought she'd be a star someday (in addition to a planet). She taught me to dance "the Hustle." We took art class together and snuck off campus for lunch. We double dated to the senior prom. After high school I moved to Arizona and she stayed in California, and we stayed friends through all the distance and the years. She's one of the few people who still calls me "Suey."

I called her the other night to wish her a happy birthday. She turned the same age I did last year -- and the same age her mother was when she passed away. It was as if we were both 18 again. I told her I quit my job. She said "I did too!" LOVED that! We reminisced about friends, our antics and our ex's. We laughed for over an hour. I don't know what it is that makes two people click like that, or how it's possible to recapture that bond after months or years of not talking. But it's such a beautiful thing.

One of my most precious memories is going to the mall with Venus to buy my mom some clothes when my mom was ill. It was my mom's last Christmas. She got a big kick out of our efforts to dress her up. And Venus told me my mom was always special to her, because she treated her with respect "like she was as good as anyone else." Oh Venie, you're more than "as good as" -- you are incredibly special. A one-of-a-kind. Someone I always looked up to -- even though I am just a TAD taller than you.

Friends do become like sisters as years entwine our hearts. It's a sweet thing. Happy birthday Venie. And many more!

Uncover and Recover

Now here's my idea of holiday wrapping! And I'll take sunshine over snow any day. I heard the other day that the holidays magnify the emotions you go through. If your life is in a happy place, the holidays uplevel your bliss. If you're on one of the downs of life, the holidays can make you feel worse. No use to candy coat it. This year contained two very painful losses for me -- the loss of my longtime friend Cece to cancer, and the loss of my job. I guess they are very different losses, in that leaving the job was my choice. And you can't compare a person to a job. But pain and sadness just are what they are. Loss leaves a void. Change is disorienting. And it's easy to feel like I've lost part of who I am at times.

How appropriate that these feelings correspond with winter. The leaves have fallen off the trees. Grass has died or gone dormant. Nature has released life in certain forms to replace it with new life in the spring. And the spring will come. New people come into families. Kids get married. Babies are born. And new opportunities have room to root where something old has been removed. No one can replace Cece. However, other friends come along side and offer their shoulders, company, prayers and understanding. They remind me that I have a long track record of being who I am, and I'm still me.

Loss and sadness open the door for people to care for you. Not that I recommend it as a strategy. But I see the beauty in people comforting one another. You're only alone if you allow it. The world is rich with people who care. Just don't keep your heart wrapped up too tight. A little exposure of its emotions in all their colors allows you to connect and experience the beauty of being loved on. Thanks to all who responded warmly when I let my cover-up slip a bit. I guess I got my favorite gift for Christmas -- Love.

Counting Blessings

I remember a Christmas when my life was like a doughnut. I was encircled with family, I had a stable job and was able to buy a few much needed items with my Christmas bonus. The big hole in the middle was someone special to share my life with. This Christmas my doughnut has turned sort of inside out. I still have wonderful family, but the holidays magnify the loss of certain very significant loved ones. The career is sputtering at the moment. The bright spot is this beautiful person I am blessed to share my life with. It doesn't erase the sadness or the imperfection of life. But what you focus on can guide you from sorrow to gratitude, and that's the ship I'm sailing on today. Thank you for this kind, fun, caring musical soul mate. He's the answer to all my wishes, and the owner of all my kisses. I love you Bob.

Fru-fru for a Cause

This collage, while not literally readable, is a sampling of items I received at Gateway Foursquare Church's ladies Christmas gathering last night. A team of dedicated women researched the scriptures, made the cards, selected items to represent each verse and assembled them to correspond with the evening's theme "The Midnight Clear." (thus the midnight blue) I am not a fru-fru person. My job last night was to sing some songs. Pastor Laurie's job was to deliver a message that she hoped would cause every lady present (easily 100 or so) to leave with a lift, not a load. The fru-fru was to help us remember the key points of her message. She could have done an outline on a piece of paper. (I would have!) Instead, the items included the following:

-A mirror ball and mirror to remind us we were created by God in His image, and all the days of our lives were prepared before we even lived one day.

- A key-shaped bookmark to represent that as God's children we have keys to open any door and complete access to God's kingdom. There are no barriers between heaven and earth.

- A bracelet with beads handmade by the women in the Sudan, one shaped like a butterfly, to represent how fixing our eyes on God changes us from the inside out.

Laurie's message was not "Christianity lite" -- like the froth on a latte. She got down to the espresso. Many women are going through very tough times. Financial struggles. Marriage troubles. Health issues. She closed her message with a film of Jesus' crucifixion. Because no matter what is going on in your life, God is working. He won't let you go. He created us and He loves us. And those women who decorated tables, cooked food and assembled fru-fru reminders were demonstrating God's love to one another unconditionally. These loving women are available to be family to anyone who needs them. Because God loves us and we share that love with each other, we are never alone. What drew me to faith was being loved in a Godly way by women like them. What keeps me close is sharing that love with others. My way is not by fru-fru. But today I stand in awe of the fru-fru gifted ladies.

Remembering Mom

This lady rubbing noses with my dad would have been 90 years old today. I would have made a Boston Cream Pie and shared a glass of champagne with her if she were still here on the earth. But she is too far away to visit in person, so I will instead visit her in my heart and via cyberspace today. Genevieve Johnston grew up in Wilmington, Delaware, and although she had a most gorgeous name, she preferred to be called "Betty." She played the piano, the harp and the violin. She attended Sarah Lawrence College before marrying my dad in 1941 and moving to Southern California. She bore four girls -- Priscilla, Marie, Carol and me (the caboose). She served at Downey Community Hospital where she became a member of the Board of Directors. Her name is on a plaque outside the hospital. I am proud of her service. Although she loved classical music, I remember her learning "Stairway to Heaven" on the piano for me. She bought me a guitar. She liked it when I sang "Pink Cadillac." She accepted my stepchildren as her own. Even when she was ill, she tried to dissuade me from visiting her because the 50 miles were "such a long drive." It's been 9 years since she passed away. And I still feel like she left me too soon. I guess you just never want to say good-bye to someone so wonderful. She loved with everything she had. "Mama said I love you with every meal she made, and every time she made me take my coat. When I moved away, she smiled through her tears, said she'd be fine here on her own. The brave look on her face told me what she didn't say. I love you more than you will ever know. That's why I wish you'd stay, and why I'll let you go. I will love you even when I'm gone. Take my love with you and pass it on." I will Mom.

Lyrics from "Pass it on"
Available at iTunes by "Special Blend"

Holiday Perspective

This lady is representative of more than 100 patients in San Fernando Valley medical care centers who received visits from Vincent Leinen's Christmas carolers Sunday night, Dec. 6. Vincent has been organizing this volunteer event for 28 years. Participants included a wide cross section of ages, races and walks of life. Bob brought his guitar, we were given songbooks and we visited rooms in small groups singing Christmas carols for bedridden and wheelchair-bound patients of all ages and races also. Some of them had family visiting. Some had breathing tubes and closed eyes, and we couldn't read their response. Others laughed, cried, sang along, requested songs and reduced me to tears many times over with the love in their eyes. The final performance of the evening was in the main dining room at Hallmark-West Hills Assisted Living in Canoga Park, and included a spirited performance by a wealth of talented musicians and celebrities. Most of us certainly have our challenges this year, especially economically. But from young music groups and Boy Scouts to actresses, nurses, retired folks and construction workers, our differences and challenges seemed so small compared to the huge amount of universal love we shared with the patients and with each other. Thank you Vincent for your faithfulness to this valuable endeavor. Thanks for tenderizing hearts in a powerful way. For more info, visit www.ReachfortheStars.com/caroling/, and/or call Vincent at 818-342-9336.

A Posture of Openness

No words are needed -- this cat's position conveys openness and trust at a glance. So simple for a kitten, and so difficult to me. I plan. I'm proactive. I strive. I like to be busy. Needed. Over-committed even. White space makes me uncomfortable. I'm a Christian but I haven't given God much room to work. Until now. I've heard God can't drive a parked car. I'm not in "park" -- I'm in "neutral." I'm so used to "drive." I don't have the "I'm too busy" excuse to hide behind. I'm trying to be like this trusting little feline -- open to what's next. Trusting that it will be good. Safe in a vulnerable posture because I'm God's child. He is faithful.

Relationship: 10 Career: 2

Anyone who works with sound gear understands the graphic equalizer concept. Picture a sound board with all those knobs and faders. What would it sound like if every fader were moved all the way up? Yet that's how I wish my life could be. I guess if I got my wish, it would be an overwhelming wall of sound with every note demanding my full attention.

If that analogy isn't clear enough, Dr. Laura has another one. She said "nobody gets two full sets of dishes." She was responding to a caller who was blessed with one thing and not with another. She wanted it all. Well don't we all. I've had some career moments where success just seemed to fall into my lap. Successful projects. The right amount of work. Stimulating work. A happy boss. A raise. Even a bonus ideal for a down payment on a little red hot rod. Mr. Right was nowhere in sight. Now he's here. And finding deep, caring, respectful, lasting soul-mate love is my grandest dream come true. And what do I say? "God, show me the money!" (please)

I write. I sing & play piano and guitar. I encourage people. And I can baby an animal like nobody's business. I'm thankful for my off-the-chart love relationship. Really. I'm just sayin' -- can we move that career fader up a few notches? Add a few serving platters to my extra set of dishes? A little nudge or a thunderbolt -- whatever sign I need -- I'm praying, watching and hoping.

Organic vs. Technical

How do we live organic lives in a technical world? From the first time I sent an e-mail in the late 1980s I knew technology was here to stay. I still resist qwerty pad text messaging and accessing e-mail on my phone. Anyone else? I resisted getting a cell phone at first too. It's not the technology I mind, it's the pressure to purchase it.

One day I thought of all the expenses my parents did not have -- no cable, cell phone, DSL -- not even a computer. I asked them what they used to do in the evenings before television. They used to have discussions. I guess now those discussions are on television -- and about television.

So that's how I came to write the song "Hippie at Heart." I wish I knew how to post it on this blog! Another technological challenge awaits!

Give me caffeine and blue jeans, and somebody to love. The chance to play some music, most days that's quite enough.

You can hear that song on iTunes when you search Special Blend. One day soon I'll figure out how to imbed the link in my blog.