Monday, August 27, 2012

The Bully is Going Down

Sometimes you have to go down before you can come back up. When I was punted out of my job, I thought the best thing would be to land another one as quickly as possible. However, just like a relational break-up, it's good to "take time for yourself" after being dumped by an employer too. If you can. There is a healing cycle to recovering from rejection. It gets worse before it gets better. It's a loss. It's not death of a loved one, but the healing process is the same. According to the experts, recovering from a loss takes place in three stages: 1) shock/denial/numbness; 2) fear/anger/depression; and 3) understanding/acceptance/moving on. So what sense does it make to try to move on while in stages one and two? In those stages I was stuck in the loss and I was going down. Depression was bullying me. I even named my depression "Olga." She told me a lot of lies. I gave her too much power. Finally I started throwing things at her -- therapy, exercise, medicine, prayer, a depression recovery program, and more. I felt like David facing Goliath. I was slipping backward, tired, uninterested in anything, even food, and empty. I lost perspective. I could hear the truth from those who love me but I didn't believe it. I just knew I wasn't myself. I wondered if I ever would be again. I felt like I was a living dead person. Rather than just rebounding from a disappointment, I feel like I've been through psychological and supernatural surgery, chemotherapy, pruning, and resurrection. I'm not exactly who I was. I'm better. I'm more myself than I was before. And no one is more shocked than I am. In my prior job, as in many of my former positions, I was hired for who I really am but things evolved (or devolved) to the point where I felt like I had to be someone I'm not to survive there. And I'm not putting all of that blame on anyone (just some of it). Some of the blame is mine for seeking comfort, resisting change, and fearing risk. Situations change. Bosses change. (I had six in two years) Companies change. Their needs change. I changed too. I learned new skills. I learned more about who I am. And who I'm not. I'm not ready to make any sweeping proclamations about my future career, as there is always room for God to laugh at my plans. I won't take a step without making sure I'm in God's will. It's not just about "what I want." It's about who God made me to be and the plans He has for me. I was seeking security and not trusting Him. Taking a risk is hard. I didn't want to do it. And, just like they say a horse smells fear, so can a prospective employer. I had one interview with a man who itemized all the ways he planned to abuse me as his assistant stared in silence. So I asked her, what else should I bring to the table that he hasn't mentioned? She said (with clenched teeth), "Thick skin." I'm not going to attract a bully now. I'm ready to go forward with strength and confidence. Olga is whimpering in the corner. And I've risen from the ashes. I don't want to replace what I had. I want better. And I'm worth it.