It's Just Business

Just over two years ago I left a job where the negatives outweighed the positives. I took a leap of faith that God did not mean for me to continue in that situation and He had something better for me. As difficult as it was to face each day without a job, I was just that elated when that something better came along after a few months and a stress-induced weight loss of 18 lbs.

The joy of being wanted was overwhelming. I felt valued, blessed, and I had a place to belong. I was given positive coworkers, outstanding benefits, a company tote bag and coffee mug, and the opportunity to support a mission I believe in—education. It was more than a job, it was a cause. I was chosen over many other qualified people. And yes, I took it personally. In a good way. I gave my best. I tried to be a positive member of the team and I regularly encouraged my coworkers. Were we friends? I don’t really know. There is a certain Chinese wall in corporate life. We’re all there because we need a paycheck. If we weren’t paid, we probably wouldn’t show up and work for free, no matter how much we believe in the company’s mission.

Over time, the environment and team members changed, as companies do. As life does. Some changes brought relief, some brought stress, and the most recent one brought confusion. I felt left out. Invisible. I completed a huge project and received no recognition. There was an ominous quiet and a sense of “keep your head down and look busy.” I was busy, but sitting for hours on end in front of a computer is stifling, and human interaction breaks up the monotony. Greeting my coworkers could be perceived as not being busy enough and therefore could make me appear expendable. I felt at-risk, but voicing my questions gave me no answers. I continued to do my best and pray.

Then the expected and unexpected happened and I was laid off. First time ever. I always thought I had the job no one else wanted to do. But somehow I became a “luxury they could not afford.” Anyone who has ever been laid off knows how it feels. Shock. Racing heart. Disbelief. At a loss for words. Worried about money. Wondering if I did something wrong. It’s like a break-up. I enveloped my sore heart in my faith, believing God has something better for me. I felt compassion for those who had to give me the bad news. They either liked me, or would have liked me if they had gotten to know me. But liking me wasn’t the issue. It’s just business.

I think what hurts the most is that something that is personal was being treated as impersonal. “We can’t afford employee number 2390b” feels just like “we don’t want you, Sue.” My head knows better. But the humane part of me that doesn’t see any of my coworkers as a number feels pained that anyone should ever be made to feel like a number and not a person. Work is personal. (just check out the speech Julia Roberts gave about that in Erin Brokovich--see link at end of this post) It’s 40+ hours a week of your life. It’s your time away from your family. It’s your energy devoted to a cause. It’s survival. It felt personal when I was hired. And it felt personal when I was unhired.

I’m not going to rant, rage, criticize, or diss my former employer. They have their issues that are just as painful as mine. There is plenty of stress to go around, and I don’t have a lock on that. I am going to be truthful and real about how it feels. Pretending is the most unhealthy thing you can do. It disconnects you from your humanity. And yet it’s hard to build and sustain a viable career without falling prey to some degree of fakeness. We’re at our best when we’re being our authentic selves. A business that is “just business” is incomplete. Their people are their most valuable asset. That is true. That is real. And that is personal.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Kx0qYRv8XQ

Hype vs. Heart

I watched Oprah’s interview of Tony Robbins. He stood on the stage for a reported 10+ hours without a break, whipping the room into an “I can do it!” frenzy that culminated in each attendee walking barefoot across hot coals. Urging people to release their self-limiting beliefs and pursue their dreams, he shouted, “If you want to take the island, you’ve got to burn the freaking boats!” Is it hype? Or is it helpful? The answer is not either/or, it’s both/and. I do not respond well to “group think,” even if it’s positive. I have to run it through my own filter, based on my unique wiring and experiences, recognize the “aha” moments, and apply the pearls like seasoning to the work-in-progress casserole that is my life. I don’t just throw out what’s in the oven and start over. I have to work with the ingredients God gave me. Like artistry, spiritual enlightenment, and heart. I’m not saying I’m the only one with heart—just that my heart is like no other.

I’m wired to lead with my heart. Some people lead with the head. If I lead with the head, I actually get physically sick. My heart pounds in revolt. And I think the lesson I learned from Tony, Oprah, and others is that I need to listen to my heart more, not less. The principle works, just in a different way for me. As I wrote in one of my songs, my heart knows. My head kicks in like an older bullying brother, asking, “How does your heart plan on paying the bills? So you’re going to be an artist? You like starving? Don’t you know how tough that business is?” And he wants to lay out the plan and give me my marching orders to be followed in a systematic manner. “Ok, so you’re an artist. Here's the program.” Decidedly non-organic. Wait—am I back in corporate life? Is there room for any flexibility or spontaneity here? Am I a leader or a follower? What’s it gonna be?

My fellow spiritual journeyers say, “Press into the LORD. Spend time with Him. Make sure you have a daily devotional time.” My first reaction is, “So God is going to pay my bills?” Little rebel that I am, yet I crawled right back into the two-dimensional box with that response. Strike the buzzer, Alex. Wrong question. Life is multi-dimensional. Remember that every day. Again, both/and.

Here's the idea. Take time with God. Take time in creative artist land. Have goals and work toward them. Identify the enemies (fear, insecurity, low self-worth, self-pity, and over-intellectualizing for starters) and pray them away. Don’t focus on the results. Those are not up to me. Focus on one step at a time, day by day. Work toward my goals and pray for my desires. God promises to give me the desires of my heart—not my hype. So here we go. Heart, please take the lead.