Ok, so the job didn't work out. I am not in control. But I do have choices. And it is a powerful choice to change your perspective. I can see some things that I have done in the past to cause and keep myself trapped in my own misery. It's so freeing to know how to change my perspective and choose joy. Wholeness. Gratitude. I knew it was possible, but I was lost in the "how to." Now I get it.
First, the job. Oy. The position, the company, the actual work, and my direct boss all seemed like a good fit. I met Ms. "head honcho," the owner and my boss's boss, and I thought we had a good rapport. I only met one other future coworker, and I did not view the workspace or meet the others on the team. If I had, I would have picked up on a certain vibe that remained unknown to me until my first day on the job. First lesson learned -- it's better to know that vibe before you accept the job. Ask about it. I am highly affected by a negative work environment, and a healthy work environment is a priority for me. Why didn't I say that? Was I afraid it just doesn't exist? Did I feel "too picky?" Did I not want to be labeled as "too sensitive?"
Maybe I just didn't want to reveal too much about myself. I am sensitive. What I want most in a work situation are workable relationships. I grew up in a family that had very strained relationships. Tension. Disconnection. Anger. Inconsistent moods that others danced around. I don't want that in my home. And for 40+ hours a week, work is home. That's too much of my life to repeat my childhood home environment. It's a deal breaker.
What "they" actually did and how I became aware of the vibe really isn't important. I gave it a whole week, ha ha. I listened, tried to keep my sense of humor, and checked myself by talking to some trusted friends. It was clear. I would be miserable there. I would be "owned." I would be "told." My boundaries would not be respected. I did say in my interview that it's important for me to have "a say" at work. Not that I would never be overruled, but I wanted to have a voice. I did not. When I spoke up, I was immediately overruled. I didn't just feel like "the maid," I felt like a mistreated maid.
I grew up with "a maid." We never called Frederee that. She was my second mom and we all treated her with the utmost respect. I was trying to imagine how it would have gone if my mom had said, "Frederee, I know we made our meal plans and you shopped accordingly, but I've decided we'll have chicken tonight, so throw out what you were making, go buy some chicken, and make another dinner. You don't mind staying late do you?" And then, tasting the chicken and saying,"I thought I wanted fried, but now I want baked, so do it over." My mom would have been wearing that chicken. I would rather be a maid and work for someone like my mom than be a professional working for a demanding and unreasonable person.
Now, perspective. I can be truthful about who I am and what helps me do good work. I have choices. I can speak up in the situation, and I can walk away. Yep, now I have a financial problem that needs a solution. That job just was not the solution. Keep seeking another solution. I am responsible for the effort, not the outcome. And the effort involves being brave enough to be honest and ask the right questions. I feel really good because I am not caught up in blame and resentment. I am learning the lessons and moving on. I take responsibility for my part. I trust God to do His part. And I pray for that woman and those who work for her. Because she can't be well. But I can. And I will.
