Lessons from Madonna

As a "woman of a certain age" in an undeniably sucky economy, it's tempting to lament about the lack of employment opportunities and employers' seeming preference for "interns," "recent college grads," and "young, energetic workers." Yes, I've seen the word "young" used in job postings, even though it is illegal. The thing is, lamenting doesn't get you anywhere. Because I've lived a few years, I know this! So here are my words of wisdom for the day:

Don't lament -- reinvent!

I'm not going to deny that you will encounter obstacles and that age prejudice exists. Lots of prejudice exists. But look at those things like spikes on a bumper pool table. Are you going to focus on the bumps or the path around them?

Look at Madonna. There were some unflattering cracks about her performance at the Super Bowl's halftime show. But she still did it, and did it well. She started in the 1980s with a certain style and then kept changing it up -- reinventing herself. Celebrities do it all the time. It's true that you can only be a wide-eyed ingenue for so long. You can't do the same thing for 20 years. So why do we expect that to be different in the job market?

I once interviewed specialty advertising vendors and wanted to pick the most innovative thinker. I awarded the job to a younger, entrepreneurial man instead of the person who "had been doing the job for 20 years." When I asked him what he planned to do for us going forward, he didn't have an answer. He wanted to win on his experience. He could have kept the relationship if he had been willing to look forward and evolve. That's not an age issue -- it is an attitude issue.

I've been working in advertising since the mid '80s. If I want to continue to work, I need to embrace new technologies and strategies. I need to keep learning. The good news is that I bring more than technical knowledge to the table. I bring experience in the strategic thinking behind the technology. I don't just know how to Tweet, I know what to Tweet. And I know how to spell it. This combination of old-school basics and new-age execution is an added value.

There are two ages -- alive and not. As long as I'm here, I'm going to live in the present and look to the future. Don't look back. You're not going there!

Moral Dilemma

What would you do to keep your job? Lie? Treat someone disrespectfully? Pretend someone was your friend? Withhold information? I mean, it's your livelihood, right? Your family comes first. Even if your integrity must be sacrificed?

A wise woman told me that "self preservation is the first law of nature." I guess keeping your job could be seen as needing to survive.

A friend of mine just lost her job in a very hurtful way. She had worked there for years and had always done her best. She noticed a change in her compensation on her paycheck. No one explained it to her beforehand, they just did it. When she questioned it, all communication stopped between her and the other staff members. Her questions were not answered. Then one day she reported for work and her key did not fit the lock. That's how she learned of her termination. Well not exactly. They let her work the whole day and then told her. Nice.

My point is that she considered one of her coworkers a friend, and that "friend" knew what was going on and said nothing. Did nothing. She wanted to keep her job.

This is not the first I've heard of employers expecting employees to "keep quiet" and "be loyal to the company." I'm not talking about a human resources staff member. They sign up for that. I'm talking about having any kind of trust between coworkers. I'm talking about an oppressive work environment where speaking up means losing your job. What makes me sad is that this nasty disease is all too common, and spreading.

Lawrence Kohlberg conducted a well-known study of moral development in which participants were asked to give a test to a willing volunteer and administer a shock when the volunteer gave the wrong answer. With each wrong answer the shock intensified. Some people administered shocks until they thought the volunteer died. (they weren't real shocks, but the participants did not know that) Others flat out refused. Where are you on that scale? Would you simply follow directions or would you question authority?

I can hear the other side. "We have to keep the business afloat." "If we're open and honest with everyone they will take advantage." Please, just stop. You can fire or lay off people. Just do it directly. Don't let someone find out when their key doesn't fit the lock or they can't get into their computer. (unless the person has broken the law or something) And don't just start cutting back their hours, finding fault with them, or other indirect and disrespectful methods. Just say it. Just do it.

It's noble to stand up to your employer if you are asked to lie, cheat, steal, or any other behavior that feels wrong to you. And there may be consequences. Or you just might educate them. But in today's economy, many feel there is no choice. You always have a choice. You know the right thing. Just do it.

Where were you on 9/11/01?

Do you remember how you felt after the attacks on 9/11/01? I remember the shock, the horror, the tears, and the fears. I went to work and we were all so stunned we could barely focus. I think we were released early. I went to the prayer chapel at Calvary Community Church. We prayed and did what we could to help anyone we knew who was personally impacted. Then I went home, watched the news, and cried.

And I wondered. Who did this? Is it just the beginning of more attacks? Could any of those people have survived, and will they turn up alive? Did President Bush have any inkling something like this might happen? How will he respond?

We all tried to process it in our own ways. I wrote a song called "Now More Than Ever" about turning to God. "Walk us through the valley of the shadow of death, you have not failed, you will prevail. Safe in your arms you hold your own, waiting for us to come home." I felt a camaraderie with all Americans. We held hands in church and prayed. There was more kindness, less harshness, less divisiveness, more acceptance.

Where is that camaraderie now? I thought the Bush-bashing years were a season that would pass. Then the Obama bashing accelerated. Now there's sort of a universal bashing going on that is not just limited to politics. Katie Couric said it well, "Our culture has become very vitriolic, where there is some kind of perverse pleasure in seeing people fail. And now there are so many more outlets to spew that vitriol." We can't blame the media. The outlets -- Facebook, Twitter, etc. -- are not monitored. People are speaking their minds. I see some love. And I see too much blame and hate. Where is that going to get us?

I really understand that there is a lot of disagreement about what is best for our country, and the great thing is we are free to disagree. A lot of people speak out because they are passionate about wanting what is best for Americans. But that's just the thing -- lots of folks are speaking -- but is anyone listening? Do you listen to someone who respectfully disagrees with you? Do you consider that most of us truly want the same things, but don't agree on how to accomplish the task? Yes, it's important whom we choose for our president. However, there are more than 300 million Americans. And one president. Who is truly in power here? We are. Are we going to use our power to spread love or hate? Wisdom or ignorance? Unity or division?

9/11 showed me that the majority of Americans want to unite against evil. Love and compassion can triumph over petty disagreements.

I wish I'd written the ultimate 9/11 song. But that's ok that I didn't. Alan Jackson did. So I looked this up today and watched it. And I remembered. I will always remember. Faith, hope, and love are some good things He gave us -- but the greatest is love.

The Joy of Google

I've been wondering why my paragraph breaks don't show up on my blog posts. After trying to solve the problem myself and sending a "help" request to blogspot, I decided to just type "how do I insert paragraph breaks in blogspot" into Google's search menu. Voila! From the menu bar on the right side of my screen, click "Options" and select "show paragraph breaks." Done!

Now I am writing this blog to check if it works. I don't really have much else to say today. Let's see if it works.

Success! It worked! No more airtight blogs. I can break it up as my muse directs going forward. Happy weekend everyone!

The Bully is Going Down

Sometimes you have to go down before you can come back up. When I was punted out of my job, I thought the best thing would be to land another one as quickly as possible. However, just like a relational break-up, it's good to "take time for yourself" after being dumped by an employer too. If you can. There is a healing cycle to recovering from rejection. It gets worse before it gets better. It's a loss. It's not death of a loved one, but the healing process is the same. According to the experts, recovering from a loss takes place in three stages: 1) shock/denial/numbness; 2) fear/anger/depression; and 3) understanding/acceptance/moving on. So what sense does it make to try to move on while in stages one and two? In those stages I was stuck in the loss and I was going down. Depression was bullying me. I even named my depression "Olga." She told me a lot of lies. I gave her too much power. Finally I started throwing things at her -- therapy, exercise, medicine, prayer, a depression recovery program, and more. I felt like David facing Goliath. I was slipping backward, tired, uninterested in anything, even food, and empty. I lost perspective. I could hear the truth from those who love me but I didn't believe it. I just knew I wasn't myself. I wondered if I ever would be again. I felt like I was a living dead person. Rather than just rebounding from a disappointment, I feel like I've been through psychological and supernatural surgery, chemotherapy, pruning, and resurrection. I'm not exactly who I was. I'm better. I'm more myself than I was before. And no one is more shocked than I am. In my prior job, as in many of my former positions, I was hired for who I really am but things evolved (or devolved) to the point where I felt like I had to be someone I'm not to survive there. And I'm not putting all of that blame on anyone (just some of it). Some of the blame is mine for seeking comfort, resisting change, and fearing risk. Situations change. Bosses change. (I had six in two years) Companies change. Their needs change. I changed too. I learned new skills. I learned more about who I am. And who I'm not. I'm not ready to make any sweeping proclamations about my future career, as there is always room for God to laugh at my plans. I won't take a step without making sure I'm in God's will. It's not just about "what I want." It's about who God made me to be and the plans He has for me. I was seeking security and not trusting Him. Taking a risk is hard. I didn't want to do it. And, just like they say a horse smells fear, so can a prospective employer. I had one interview with a man who itemized all the ways he planned to abuse me as his assistant stared in silence. So I asked her, what else should I bring to the table that he hasn't mentioned? She said (with clenched teeth), "Thick skin." I'm not going to attract a bully now. I'm ready to go forward with strength and confidence. Olga is whimpering in the corner. And I've risen from the ashes. I don't want to replace what I had. I want better. And I'm worth it.

Wisdom from Mrs. Douglas

My seventh grade English teacher, Mrs. Douglas, was quite the character. She was a large woman who dressed in mu-mus and had a glass eye. She gave piercing looks with her other eye and was very direct in her comments. She overheard me tell another student "I wish I could get straight As." With a no-nonsense, slightly sarcastic tone, she said "try working." One day she fell in class and we stared in silence. She pulled herself up and said "I wonder what the Richter scale measured on that one." She worked us hard, but interjected humor when least expected. She was known for saying "nothing works until you do." That is true in so many circumstances. And it's true for me right now. Having been in career transition since February, I have had the opportunity to investigate self-employment and changing careers in addition to searching for a new employment situation. I've been able to perform music in many venues and I've written a few new songs. I took a career interest test that showed I have a strong interest in counseling, so I signed up for a drug/alcohol/trauma class at Oxnard College. I'll write more about that adventure another time. I'll just summarize it by saying it was the wrong class at the wrong time for me. Good to know. I have ridden the free-lance work roller coaster with a few fulfilling projects and the un-fun act of chasing down money owed me. This is where you sing "That's self-employment" to the tune of "That's entertainment." I am glad that I've had more time to spend with Bob given that his schedule does not coincide with a regular M-F 9-5 schedule. I joined a Bible study and actually did all the homework. I even have a new client that promises to keep me "really busy." And yet I can't shake Mrs. Douglas's timeless truth -- nothing works until I do. Income makes life work. So it's time to reframe my life and embrace the job search with commitment. I'd love to hear from anyone who has gone through a similar experience. How can we all help each other? Share. Care. And let's try to keep each other laughing. It's just rock and roll, after all.

Crossroads

I find myself at a crossroads of my life. One chapter has ended and a new one has not begun. It's not as simple as making up my mind and pursuing a goal, because I want to make sure God is in this and I don't want to run ahead of His plan for me. He sends me signs -- open doors, closed doors. It would be my nature to just pound harder on the closed doors, in fact, to bang my head against them. Lack of determination has never been a problem for me. Until now. The mixed signals are not making any sense. A door seems to open, I take a step -- make that call, reach out, whatever -- then -- nothing. No answer. A person who offered to help is suddenly unreachable. So I try another door. I feel unanswered. So the answer may be "wait." Take time to be still. God answers those who seek Him. It's like putting popcorn in a pan, turning on the heat, but it won't pop. Or like an airplane on the runway that doesn't take off. I have wonderful friends and loved ones who care about me. I am grateful. They do what they can. But no one else eats your food for you, feels your feelings or wears your shoes. We are individual travelers on this earth. We are all in it together, yet we are separate too. These feelings are not unique. And I'm not complaining. But to be honest, I feel very awkward in a stage of "wait." It feels so passive. It would be so much more comforting to know what to do rather than to wonder. No one can answer this for me. And that is a lonely feeling.

Love Levels

I heard Tony Robbins explain the four levels of love the other night and haven't been able to get it out of my head. Level 1 -- Baby love. I want something. You give it to me. Waaah. Totally one-sided. Level 2 -- Horse trading. He also called it "whoring." You give me something, and I give you something back. As long as the deal works for us, we stay with it. But if the deal becomes unbalanced, you're out. Level 3 -- true, unconditional love. I love you through thick and thin, in sickness and in health, and I value you. You value me. Level 4 -- Something like service love. Like Nelson Mandela spending his time in prison planning how he will serve the world when he's out. Let's go back to that second one. Horse trading is also called "whoring?" If you're truly just trading horses, I don't think that is the same as trading your body for money. I think there are gray areas here. However, it hit me between the eyes that I have considered relationships based on the deal that is offered. A nice dinner for a kiss goodnight. Trading time for money in general. Viewing the deal as "what's in it for me?" In other words, would Donald Trump be as valuable to women without his money? Would Heidi Klum be a hot model if she looked like Margaret Thatcher? That feels like commoditizing people. And it feels icky. I have felt commoditized by employers before. Like I'm just a number. If they can get the job done cheaper, they will. Their decisions are driven by their business goals and the all-important profit margin. If I make more money for them than I cost, I'm of value. For sales people, that is easy to define. For writers and other artistic types, not so much. Great singers get dropped from record labels when their product sales dip. Their life's work is quantified, and the quality is not a factor. Quality is in the eyes (or ears) of the beholder. I find this a very inhumane and uncomfortable truth. This is when I say "I don't have a business mind." Maybe it's that I can't find the humanity in the business mind. I don't want my next career chapter to be based on horse trading. I want it to be based on love. Is that possible? I think so. I have seen it, I think. I want to live a life based on service and spirituality, not ego. I want to be more about giving than greed. More evolved than elitist. More down-to-earth and less dogmatic. More socially conscious than socially stunted. Dreamer. Yep. And proud of it.

Do the Right Thing

Two words that can make me slip up on this one are "even if." In every situation, I know the right thing to do. It may not be the thing I want to do. It may not be consistent with how I feel. I may fail. But I know.

I've been treated with dishonor and unfairness many times over the course of my life. I actually have a harder time "behaving" when one of my loved ones is mistreated. That brings out the protective "mama bear," which I learned from my mother. I want to play Dirty Harry and take the law into my own hands. I want to retaliate. I have had revenge-filled fantasies.

That response may be appropriate at times. While walking my dog by the school in my neighborhood, I observed a big kid picking on a smaller kid. The smaller kid was crying and shaking his fist. I just stood there with my all-knowing and empathetic Golden Retriever and looked the big kid in the eye. The big kid approached the smaller kid and put his arm around him. Justice wasn't mine, but I felt that my witnessing served a purpose.

I believe we are here to help each other. But I must discern which battles are mine and which are not. I am not God. I can't make anyone else do the right thing. But I can pray that they will. And I can respond appropriately. I don't get to retaliate or have a tantrum. Behaving badly is, well, my bad. Lecturing is probably pointless. I can calmly state how I feel. Then I need to let it go.

Harboring resentment is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat. People will not always do what I want them to do. I still want to do the right thing. Even if they hurt me. Even if they steal from me. Even if they do not follow through on their promises. What goes around comes around. And I am not the administrator of that process. Somehow it all works for my good when I trust that God is in control. But some days, it's really, really tough.

Be Still

Did your parents ever tell you to be still? Mine sure did. And my heavenly Father tells me that too. "Be still and know that I am God." I don't think He is referring to vegging out in front of the TV or with a spy novel. I think the message is to meditate in a spiritual way.

This is not my nature at all. I like to DO rather than BE. This principle is not limited to any specific religion. We are human beings, not human doings. So many things fill our time -- work, chores, family, activities, etc. It's rare to have "down time." When we do, we are often tired, and instead of taking quiet time to reflect, we flip on the TV, surf the Internet, or whatever else we do to turn off our brains and wind down.

Sometimes I take that time to talk with Bob. I like hearing about his day, what he's feeling, etc. It's tempting then to discuss "to do's," like making a dentist appointment or picking songs for our next gig, etc. It's so easy to let the focus on "doing" infiltrate our "nondoing" moments.

I once heard the concept of listening demonstrated this way. Have someone whisper in your ear while you are talking. Do you hear what the person is saying? Listening requires being quiet. If we are going to listen for divine guidance, we need to be quiet.

If you're anything like me, you have more things to get done in a day than you can possibly do. I feel like I'm always behind. I often feel like the most important things get squeezed in between the mundane things like eating, cleaning, taking care of the pets, laundry, grocery shopping, etc. As Stephen Covey says, we often major in minor things. So I think I'm going to outsmart the system. How can I shop less often and make it more efficient? How often can I afford take-out? Is there a dinner I can make in 10 minutes? Can I send my dog to day camp today? If I don't get the house dirty, I won't need to clean it as much. Mindgames.

How about this. Take quiet time each day. Meditate on what matters most. Accept that a lot of minor things won't get done, or won't get done perfectly. Breathe in quiet. Breathe out stress. Breathe. Chill. Be still.

Embracing the vision

I know I'm going to sound like I'm now a disciple of a new guru. My Christian brothers and sisters may be skeptical of my new-found fervor for Iyanla Vanzant. I listened to her Life Class on Oprah's OWN network yesterday (oprah.com/lifeclass) and "ahas" are going off in my head.

I have been punted out of a job into the air and am seeking a new vision for my next season. I read my Bible, my "Jesus Calling" book, go to counseling and attend 12-step meetings. I am seeking God's direction and not looking for a quick fix or a cult to join. I don't think one person has all the answers, and I know that Iyanla is a flawed human just like the rest of us. But wow, she is a great teacher. She has a way of guiding me to see things from a different perspective.

My desire has been to uncover any ways that I am limiting myself. She told a man who is struggling with similar issues that he is addicted to his story. Wow. If I keep telling the same story about myself instead of focusing on the new vision, of course I'm going to keep myself stuck.

I even wrote my life story, and as I looked at it with fresh eyes after hearing Iyanla's teaching I said "that's me! I'm addicted to my story!" A self-limiting obstacle has been identified.

So often I hear words that are supposed to help and they do not resonate with me. I hear them, but I don't feel them. That's the way my brain is wired. Or to put it another way, I see the ladder but I don't see the rungs. I don't get the "how do I apply this" part. Iyanla has a gift for demonstrating truth and wisdom in a way that I can feel, internalize, and apply so that I progress on the path that God has laid out for me.

God has been there all the time, and He gave me fellow travelers who believe in me. The only one messing it up was me. No more sob stories for me. I sing. I write. I dream. I can. I will. I'm going to. I am. And I refuse to fail.

Daddy's demons

I don't know where I heard the phrase "we fight our Daddy's demons." I might have made it up. My dad had some pretty intense struggles. His story is not mine to tell. But the impact of his struggles shaped my psyche and influenced me in many ways in my formative years. Some of those teachings served me well. He was a Harvard grad who used big words and had me study "It pays to increase your Wordpower" in the Reader's Digest. He held my hand through every step of Algebra and Geometry. He valued education and always encouraged me to learn. We had many conversations about politics and ideas. We had very few discussions of a personal or emotional nature. I have made my living with words and I have him to thank for that.

My passion for communication comes from the fact that my family struggled with it. There was a lot of pressure to "achieve at all costs," often at the expense of relationships or taking care of yourself. Some days I catch myself imitating the patterns that did not lead to happiness. I get so involved with duties, chores, and striving that the ability to live in the moment is overruled. And when I get in that mode, downing a few glasses of wine seems to offset the stress. What it does in reality is anesthetize feelings, add sugar to my system, give me empty calories, and give me a headache the next morning.

It's not the wine that's bad. It's they why behind the wine. The real demon of pushing myself without balance, love, or humanity. Spirits are no substitute for spirituality. A therapist once told me to go get a bottle of my dad's alcohol of choice. She said "put that bottle on the chair and talk to it. Ask it to love you. Ask it to help you. Ask it to help make your life better. It doesn't, does it?" Yet its bait can be so powerful. How do you deal with it?

Alcoholics Anonymous suggests that we come to believe in a power greater than the alcohol. That's where the spirituality comes in. A power beyond my human will and my human strength. It doesn't mean I don't exert effort. But I realize I am not responsible for all of the results. My higher power is. How people live without believing in a higher power baffles me. How depressing to look at this world and think this is all there is, and I must conquer it myself. I don't want to conquer it. I want to contribute to it. I'll do better if I'm healthy, positive, and higher-powered. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Get moving!

I haven't been taking very good care of myself lately. I used to be an almost health nut. Somewhere along the line a glass of wine here and there became a daily habit. I stopped taking vitamins. My food planning became driven by whatever was on sale. And a four-times-a-week step aerobics class became twice a week low impact, then progressed to walking my dog, and now I throw the ball for him from my couch.

The results aren't pretty. Clothes don't fit. I see photos and think "what happened to me?" I went to the doctor and turned my back to the scale. I said "I don't want to see the number, just write it down and don't tell me." A man nearby said, "chicken." How honoring of my patient confidentiality.

There is so much pressure from advertisers to address this harshly with a Jenny Craig program or some magic metabolic pill. I'm more afraid of the hype than I am for my health! I just made a decision that I want to be healthy. If I commit to that each morning out of self love, I know what to do. Mostly get more active.

I will focus on the benefits. I know it will help me breathe better. I'll have more energy. I'll feel more positive. And it's a good way to tell the swarming buzzards of age and disease that they are not welcome here. My body is a temple and I've been treating it like a flop house.

One of the things I liked least about corporate life was having to sit at a computer all day. I dreamed of all the things I could do if I could only work from home. I'd take walks, dance around the house, jog on the beach, etc. I've been unchained for a month now and am I doing those things? Not so much. I must have gotten in a rut. Institutionalized. I think it's just getting started that's the hard part. That's why people say it's best to exercise at the beginning of the day.

Ok. New mindset. I embrace health. I bind the spirit of sickness. God please help me. I'm going in!

Keep Looking Up!

I feel like a tiny little mouse at the base of Mount Everest. I wonder how I will ever get anywhere near the top within my lifetime. I am embracing my independence as a singer-songwriter. I have lots of songs recorded and more to record. I've drafted my autobiography. I've pulled out my acrylic paints to create the art that will set the design for my still-to-be-designed website. I need photos. I need gigs. I need video. I need a chairlift!

This seems like so many steps that do not go in a linear fashion. This is not a good plan for a lazy person. I can't afford to be a lazy person. Nor do I want to be a workaholic. But this is going to require some overtime. I have the outfit and my backpack is ready. I've taken a few steps. It's so tempting to run back to the cabin and turn on the television. Look at other's lives and anesthetize my ambition away. Pour me some vino. What's for dinner. I think the dog needs a bath. And look at that filthy floor.

It's so easy to major in minor things. But it's time to embrace more of Stephen Covey's wisdom and make the main thing the main thing. You know, the THING. The thing with no steady paycheck, benefits, or 401K. The thing with no hook in it, no performance evaluation, no one quantifying my value, and no handcuffs on the computer keyboard. The thing I've always wanted to do. Share my songs. Inspire people. Be my authentic self and give others hope that they can too. Get rid of all the fakery. All of it. I don't want to be an actress anymore. I just want to be. And to do what matters most. Give the gifts that God made me to give.

So I guess I need to add a few more items to my backpack. Tissues, as there will be tears. Band-aids, as there will be blisters. Ben-Gay, as my muscles will get sore. And lots of Advil, because my head already hurts. But what are the alternatives? Taking the wrong path, standing still or falling backward. Guess I better take the advice I've given others so many times. Keep looking up. You can slip but don't fall. Just focus on the next step. I may be 100 years old, but I'll be 100 years old with a great view.

Reinventing myself

My chains are gone, I've been set free. Free at last, thank God almighty! A new perspective has ignited my spirit and recharged my soul. Being laid off was truly a blessing and I am free to pursue what I've always wanted to do. I know what it is in my head but it's going to take some work to communicate it clearly. Music. Speaking. For causes I care about. Recovery. Wholeness. Aliveness. Life beyond the cubicle.

Singer/songwriter/speaker Jana Stanfield asks "what would you do if you were brave?" The answer is not "assume the position" at a computer keyboard 40+ hours a week to further someone else's dream, pad someone else's wallet, and function like a robot for a steady paycheck, 10 vacation days per year, and a few good meals. I'm free, with all the fear, insecurity and responsibility that goes with it. Maybe I finally get to do what I meant to do when I grew up. Share my real gifts, my real message, and help others better themselves.

Songs spoke to me in my early years in a way nothing else did. Elton John showed me the piano can rock. Janis Ian spoke to us wannabe prom queens in a way that helped us accept reality. Linda Ronstadt expressed my heartbreak for me. And the Eagles made me want to fly. As Richard Marx so aptly phrased it: I am ready to fly over the sun like a rocket to heaven, and I am ready to soar right through the sky, never dreamed I'd find something to lift me so high. I always had wings, now I'm finally ready to fly.

Now it's time for my songs to take wing, touch the hearts of others, and connect us in a way that reminds us all that we are not alone. As Victoria Shaw wrote: Wherever you fly, it's not good-bye. My love will carry you, stay with you, baby you're never alone.

It's my time. I'm ready. Let's do this!

It's Just Business

Just over two years ago I left a job where the negatives outweighed the positives. I took a leap of faith that God did not mean for me to continue in that situation and He had something better for me. As difficult as it was to face each day without a job, I was just that elated when that something better came along after a few months and a stress-induced weight loss of 18 lbs.

The joy of being wanted was overwhelming. I felt valued, blessed, and I had a place to belong. I was given positive coworkers, outstanding benefits, a company tote bag and coffee mug, and the opportunity to support a mission I believe in—education. It was more than a job, it was a cause. I was chosen over many other qualified people. And yes, I took it personally. In a good way. I gave my best. I tried to be a positive member of the team and I regularly encouraged my coworkers. Were we friends? I don’t really know. There is a certain Chinese wall in corporate life. We’re all there because we need a paycheck. If we weren’t paid, we probably wouldn’t show up and work for free, no matter how much we believe in the company’s mission.

Over time, the environment and team members changed, as companies do. As life does. Some changes brought relief, some brought stress, and the most recent one brought confusion. I felt left out. Invisible. I completed a huge project and received no recognition. There was an ominous quiet and a sense of “keep your head down and look busy.” I was busy, but sitting for hours on end in front of a computer is stifling, and human interaction breaks up the monotony. Greeting my coworkers could be perceived as not being busy enough and therefore could make me appear expendable. I felt at-risk, but voicing my questions gave me no answers. I continued to do my best and pray.

Then the expected and unexpected happened and I was laid off. First time ever. I always thought I had the job no one else wanted to do. But somehow I became a “luxury they could not afford.” Anyone who has ever been laid off knows how it feels. Shock. Racing heart. Disbelief. At a loss for words. Worried about money. Wondering if I did something wrong. It’s like a break-up. I enveloped my sore heart in my faith, believing God has something better for me. I felt compassion for those who had to give me the bad news. They either liked me, or would have liked me if they had gotten to know me. But liking me wasn’t the issue. It’s just business.

I think what hurts the most is that something that is personal was being treated as impersonal. “We can’t afford employee number 2390b” feels just like “we don’t want you, Sue.” My head knows better. But the humane part of me that doesn’t see any of my coworkers as a number feels pained that anyone should ever be made to feel like a number and not a person. Work is personal. (just check out the speech Julia Roberts gave about that in Erin Brokovich--see link at end of this post) It’s 40+ hours a week of your life. It’s your time away from your family. It’s your energy devoted to a cause. It’s survival. It felt personal when I was hired. And it felt personal when I was unhired.

I’m not going to rant, rage, criticize, or diss my former employer. They have their issues that are just as painful as mine. There is plenty of stress to go around, and I don’t have a lock on that. I am going to be truthful and real about how it feels. Pretending is the most unhealthy thing you can do. It disconnects you from your humanity. And yet it’s hard to build and sustain a viable career without falling prey to some degree of fakeness. We’re at our best when we’re being our authentic selves. A business that is “just business” is incomplete. Their people are their most valuable asset. That is true. That is real. And that is personal.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Kx0qYRv8XQ

Hype vs. Heart

I watched Oprah’s interview of Tony Robbins. He stood on the stage for a reported 10+ hours without a break, whipping the room into an “I can do it!” frenzy that culminated in each attendee walking barefoot across hot coals. Urging people to release their self-limiting beliefs and pursue their dreams, he shouted, “If you want to take the island, you’ve got to burn the freaking boats!” Is it hype? Or is it helpful? The answer is not either/or, it’s both/and. I do not respond well to “group think,” even if it’s positive. I have to run it through my own filter, based on my unique wiring and experiences, recognize the “aha” moments, and apply the pearls like seasoning to the work-in-progress casserole that is my life. I don’t just throw out what’s in the oven and start over. I have to work with the ingredients God gave me. Like artistry, spiritual enlightenment, and heart. I’m not saying I’m the only one with heart—just that my heart is like no other.

I’m wired to lead with my heart. Some people lead with the head. If I lead with the head, I actually get physically sick. My heart pounds in revolt. And I think the lesson I learned from Tony, Oprah, and others is that I need to listen to my heart more, not less. The principle works, just in a different way for me. As I wrote in one of my songs, my heart knows. My head kicks in like an older bullying brother, asking, “How does your heart plan on paying the bills? So you’re going to be an artist? You like starving? Don’t you know how tough that business is?” And he wants to lay out the plan and give me my marching orders to be followed in a systematic manner. “Ok, so you’re an artist. Here's the program.” Decidedly non-organic. Wait—am I back in corporate life? Is there room for any flexibility or spontaneity here? Am I a leader or a follower? What’s it gonna be?

My fellow spiritual journeyers say, “Press into the LORD. Spend time with Him. Make sure you have a daily devotional time.” My first reaction is, “So God is going to pay my bills?” Little rebel that I am, yet I crawled right back into the two-dimensional box with that response. Strike the buzzer, Alex. Wrong question. Life is multi-dimensional. Remember that every day. Again, both/and.

Here's the idea. Take time with God. Take time in creative artist land. Have goals and work toward them. Identify the enemies (fear, insecurity, low self-worth, self-pity, and over-intellectualizing for starters) and pray them away. Don’t focus on the results. Those are not up to me. Focus on one step at a time, day by day. Work toward my goals and pray for my desires. God promises to give me the desires of my heart—not my hype. So here we go. Heart, please take the lead.