Embracing the vision

I know I'm going to sound like I'm now a disciple of a new guru. My Christian brothers and sisters may be skeptical of my new-found fervor for Iyanla Vanzant. I listened to her Life Class on Oprah's OWN network yesterday (oprah.com/lifeclass) and "ahas" are going off in my head.

I have been punted out of a job into the air and am seeking a new vision for my next season. I read my Bible, my "Jesus Calling" book, go to counseling and attend 12-step meetings. I am seeking God's direction and not looking for a quick fix or a cult to join. I don't think one person has all the answers, and I know that Iyanla is a flawed human just like the rest of us. But wow, she is a great teacher. She has a way of guiding me to see things from a different perspective.

My desire has been to uncover any ways that I am limiting myself. She told a man who is struggling with similar issues that he is addicted to his story. Wow. If I keep telling the same story about myself instead of focusing on the new vision, of course I'm going to keep myself stuck.

I even wrote my life story, and as I looked at it with fresh eyes after hearing Iyanla's teaching I said "that's me! I'm addicted to my story!" A self-limiting obstacle has been identified.

So often I hear words that are supposed to help and they do not resonate with me. I hear them, but I don't feel them. That's the way my brain is wired. Or to put it another way, I see the ladder but I don't see the rungs. I don't get the "how do I apply this" part. Iyanla has a gift for demonstrating truth and wisdom in a way that I can feel, internalize, and apply so that I progress on the path that God has laid out for me.

God has been there all the time, and He gave me fellow travelers who believe in me. The only one messing it up was me. No more sob stories for me. I sing. I write. I dream. I can. I will. I'm going to. I am. And I refuse to fail.

Daddy's demons

I don't know where I heard the phrase "we fight our Daddy's demons." I might have made it up. My dad had some pretty intense struggles. His story is not mine to tell. But the impact of his struggles shaped my psyche and influenced me in many ways in my formative years. Some of those teachings served me well. He was a Harvard grad who used big words and had me study "It pays to increase your Wordpower" in the Reader's Digest. He held my hand through every step of Algebra and Geometry. He valued education and always encouraged me to learn. We had many conversations about politics and ideas. We had very few discussions of a personal or emotional nature. I have made my living with words and I have him to thank for that.

My passion for communication comes from the fact that my family struggled with it. There was a lot of pressure to "achieve at all costs," often at the expense of relationships or taking care of yourself. Some days I catch myself imitating the patterns that did not lead to happiness. I get so involved with duties, chores, and striving that the ability to live in the moment is overruled. And when I get in that mode, downing a few glasses of wine seems to offset the stress. What it does in reality is anesthetize feelings, add sugar to my system, give me empty calories, and give me a headache the next morning.

It's not the wine that's bad. It's they why behind the wine. The real demon of pushing myself without balance, love, or humanity. Spirits are no substitute for spirituality. A therapist once told me to go get a bottle of my dad's alcohol of choice. She said "put that bottle on the chair and talk to it. Ask it to love you. Ask it to help you. Ask it to help make your life better. It doesn't, does it?" Yet its bait can be so powerful. How do you deal with it?

Alcoholics Anonymous suggests that we come to believe in a power greater than the alcohol. That's where the spirituality comes in. A power beyond my human will and my human strength. It doesn't mean I don't exert effort. But I realize I am not responsible for all of the results. My higher power is. How people live without believing in a higher power baffles me. How depressing to look at this world and think this is all there is, and I must conquer it myself. I don't want to conquer it. I want to contribute to it. I'll do better if I'm healthy, positive, and higher-powered. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Get moving!

I haven't been taking very good care of myself lately. I used to be an almost health nut. Somewhere along the line a glass of wine here and there became a daily habit. I stopped taking vitamins. My food planning became driven by whatever was on sale. And a four-times-a-week step aerobics class became twice a week low impact, then progressed to walking my dog, and now I throw the ball for him from my couch.

The results aren't pretty. Clothes don't fit. I see photos and think "what happened to me?" I went to the doctor and turned my back to the scale. I said "I don't want to see the number, just write it down and don't tell me." A man nearby said, "chicken." How honoring of my patient confidentiality.

There is so much pressure from advertisers to address this harshly with a Jenny Craig program or some magic metabolic pill. I'm more afraid of the hype than I am for my health! I just made a decision that I want to be healthy. If I commit to that each morning out of self love, I know what to do. Mostly get more active.

I will focus on the benefits. I know it will help me breathe better. I'll have more energy. I'll feel more positive. And it's a good way to tell the swarming buzzards of age and disease that they are not welcome here. My body is a temple and I've been treating it like a flop house.

One of the things I liked least about corporate life was having to sit at a computer all day. I dreamed of all the things I could do if I could only work from home. I'd take walks, dance around the house, jog on the beach, etc. I've been unchained for a month now and am I doing those things? Not so much. I must have gotten in a rut. Institutionalized. I think it's just getting started that's the hard part. That's why people say it's best to exercise at the beginning of the day.

Ok. New mindset. I embrace health. I bind the spirit of sickness. God please help me. I'm going in!

Keep Looking Up!

I feel like a tiny little mouse at the base of Mount Everest. I wonder how I will ever get anywhere near the top within my lifetime. I am embracing my independence as a singer-songwriter. I have lots of songs recorded and more to record. I've drafted my autobiography. I've pulled out my acrylic paints to create the art that will set the design for my still-to-be-designed website. I need photos. I need gigs. I need video. I need a chairlift!

This seems like so many steps that do not go in a linear fashion. This is not a good plan for a lazy person. I can't afford to be a lazy person. Nor do I want to be a workaholic. But this is going to require some overtime. I have the outfit and my backpack is ready. I've taken a few steps. It's so tempting to run back to the cabin and turn on the television. Look at other's lives and anesthetize my ambition away. Pour me some vino. What's for dinner. I think the dog needs a bath. And look at that filthy floor.

It's so easy to major in minor things. But it's time to embrace more of Stephen Covey's wisdom and make the main thing the main thing. You know, the THING. The thing with no steady paycheck, benefits, or 401K. The thing with no hook in it, no performance evaluation, no one quantifying my value, and no handcuffs on the computer keyboard. The thing I've always wanted to do. Share my songs. Inspire people. Be my authentic self and give others hope that they can too. Get rid of all the fakery. All of it. I don't want to be an actress anymore. I just want to be. And to do what matters most. Give the gifts that God made me to give.

So I guess I need to add a few more items to my backpack. Tissues, as there will be tears. Band-aids, as there will be blisters. Ben-Gay, as my muscles will get sore. And lots of Advil, because my head already hurts. But what are the alternatives? Taking the wrong path, standing still or falling backward. Guess I better take the advice I've given others so many times. Keep looking up. You can slip but don't fall. Just focus on the next step. I may be 100 years old, but I'll be 100 years old with a great view.

Reinventing myself

My chains are gone, I've been set free. Free at last, thank God almighty! A new perspective has ignited my spirit and recharged my soul. Being laid off was truly a blessing and I am free to pursue what I've always wanted to do. I know what it is in my head but it's going to take some work to communicate it clearly. Music. Speaking. For causes I care about. Recovery. Wholeness. Aliveness. Life beyond the cubicle.

Singer/songwriter/speaker Jana Stanfield asks "what would you do if you were brave?" The answer is not "assume the position" at a computer keyboard 40+ hours a week to further someone else's dream, pad someone else's wallet, and function like a robot for a steady paycheck, 10 vacation days per year, and a few good meals. I'm free, with all the fear, insecurity and responsibility that goes with it. Maybe I finally get to do what I meant to do when I grew up. Share my real gifts, my real message, and help others better themselves.

Songs spoke to me in my early years in a way nothing else did. Elton John showed me the piano can rock. Janis Ian spoke to us wannabe prom queens in a way that helped us accept reality. Linda Ronstadt expressed my heartbreak for me. And the Eagles made me want to fly. As Richard Marx so aptly phrased it: I am ready to fly over the sun like a rocket to heaven, and I am ready to soar right through the sky, never dreamed I'd find something to lift me so high. I always had wings, now I'm finally ready to fly.

Now it's time for my songs to take wing, touch the hearts of others, and connect us in a way that reminds us all that we are not alone. As Victoria Shaw wrote: Wherever you fly, it's not good-bye. My love will carry you, stay with you, baby you're never alone.

It's my time. I'm ready. Let's do this!