Striving for Peace

Just the phrase "striving for peace" hits me as an oxymoron. If I'm striving, how can I be peaceful? If I ask myself honestly what success means to me, it means having a character that brings light into the world and reflects the good. If I'm emotionally reactive, grumpy, depressed, or otherwise dark inside my soul, I'm furthering darkness and not light. Success also means putting love into everything I do and everyone whose life I touch. This is not easy when you were raised with no chores and a maid. How do I put love in to mopping the floor? I've never really made friends with chores. Making a choice to put love into them does not come naturally. But what is the alternative? Resenting them? Who does that hurt? Me. And it's okay not to do every chore all the time. Allow a little imperfection in life. The dirt hurts me a lot less than my resentment -- or my quest for the unattainable perfection I somehow picture in my head. Success is a healthy spirit.

This was not modeled for me by my dad. Right now I am fighting my daddy's demons. Impatience. Perfectionism. Internal expectation to succeed financially. Efficiency -- take the shortest route from A to B. Leave early so you don't hit traffic (then stress when you do anyway). Try to time the traffic lights (then curse when someone else's driving messes it up). Get angry anytime you have to wait. Believe that you did everything you were supposed to so that life would go a certain way and blame God that He did not deliver. And when the resentment is about to boil over, have a few drinks and behave however you feel like. This is not to criticize my father. It is to "call a thing a thing" and learn from it rather than just going along with my early programming -- which is still amazingly strong. My father's father traveled a lot, and I don't think he spent much time with my dad. My dad learned that achieving got him attention and made everyone happy. He became a super achiever, attending Harvard University at age 16 and getting A+'s in math. Math is nice. It always works out. But then WWII happened, and his plans changed. Finances deviled him. My only example of watching him solve problems was when he helped me with my math homework. He was great at it. But day-to-day life problems were not handled calmly. He reacted with anger and I responded with fear. This is one reason I feel so strongly about the importance of the spirit in our lives. My heavenly Father is my ultimate Father, and I can follow His example. He can give me peace when the world is taunting me. He can fill me with light to get me through the darkness. He supercedes my earthly father. He is bigger than the alcohol, the anger, the resentment, and the impatience that I too struggle with.

I am still sensitive and I naturally respond with fear in the face of anger. And I am tempted to respond with anger and resentment when life is not fair. These are the forces of darkness that threaten my success. The war between darkness and light is not mine to win, but the battles inside my own mind are mine to face up to. I can't keep a bird from landing on my head, but I can keep it from building a nest in my hair. I am human and I am not impervious. I feel it when someone is mean. But my feelings can't run the show. They can run to God, and to my spirit, and we can decide together how to respond. We can learn. We can invite the lesson. And we can shake off the bad stuff we did not cause and can't fix. I'm not the master of the universe. God is. I can be the master of my thoughts. Even when things go wrong. Even when my hopes are crushed. I always have a choice. And, when I truly live each moment, I can remember that.

Facing "that thing"

Some of you knew exactly what I mean by "that thing" because you have one too. Those who don't get it, just go thank God. For the rest of us, you know, that "thing" that keeps you up at night, that gets under your bones and stabs at your soul. That "thing" that you want so bad and keep hitting brick walls as you try to achieve it. It could be losing 10 lbs., or 100+ lbs. It could be that you want a life partner and you keep meeting a series of Mr. or Miss Wrongs. People ask you what you're doing to attract this in your life. They try to help. They give advice. Or they are truly confounded and say things like "I'm just so lucky I met my soul mate and we are rapturously happy with very little effort." Or "I'm just naturally thin, and I've never had to work at it." Or "It was easy to build my practice. A friend retired and gave me all of her clients. I never had to cold call or advertise."

In my case, it's career fulfillment. Actually, it's income. We all need it. God knows we need it. God promises to provide. He has kept His promise. Just not the way I prefer -- with my earning enough money to take care of all my responsibilities. When more money goes out than comes in, hard decisions must be made every day. The obvious solution is to work toward earning more income. Get a job. Grow a business. So you swing the bat. You miss. You keep the faith and keep swinging. You try a different bat. A different sport. And before you know it you are lost in too many options and variables with no idea which one is going to get results. It's a loop I've been in for nearly two years.

If you are in this loop in any area of your life, you know what I mean. And just knowing someone knows what I mean is helpful. That's one reason I write this blog. I know I'm not the only one feeling what I feel. And what are those feelings? Discouraged. Frustrated. Confused. A very sore head from hitting closed doors.

Feelings aren't everything. Wallowing in them is not productive. But they serve a purpose, and probably a number of purposes. They keep you humble. They give us compassion for others. Pain acts as sort of a heart tenderizor. It deepens my faith. Who's going to love me in this unattractive state? God will. He does. I know that. But he doesn't give me everything I want when I want it. He makes me wait. He tells me "no" sometimes. He truly works in mysterious ways. I do not understand, but I hold onto my faith. And I pray.

So how do you pray about "that thing" you've been praying about for a long time? My prayers start with gratitude for what I have. I pray for guidance. I pray for courage and strength. I pray for knowledge of God's will and the power to carry it out. Maybe I don't see the value in the "non-thing things" I do like care for my home, my husband, my animals, loved ones and friends. It's hard to remember that vacuuming has value. Maybe cleaning can bring clarity. Maybe music will help bring harmony. Maybe "the thing" needs less attention rather than more. I don't know. So I pray. I vacuum. I clean. And I sing. None of those things has ever financially supported me. But maybe doing them has supported others. Every day I can do something that shows love to someone else. Then maybe one day, I'll have been so immersed in loving others that I will look around and find "that thing" has resolved itself.