Striving for Peace

Just the phrase "striving for peace" hits me as an oxymoron. If I'm striving, how can I be peaceful? If I ask myself honestly what success means to me, it means having a character that brings light into the world and reflects the good. If I'm emotionally reactive, grumpy, depressed, or otherwise dark inside my soul, I'm furthering darkness and not light. Success also means putting love into everything I do and everyone whose life I touch. This is not easy when you were raised with no chores and a maid. How do I put love in to mopping the floor? I've never really made friends with chores. Making a choice to put love into them does not come naturally. But what is the alternative? Resenting them? Who does that hurt? Me. And it's okay not to do every chore all the time. Allow a little imperfection in life. The dirt hurts me a lot less than my resentment -- or my quest for the unattainable perfection I somehow picture in my head. Success is a healthy spirit.

This was not modeled for me by my dad. Right now I am fighting my daddy's demons. Impatience. Perfectionism. Internal expectation to succeed financially. Efficiency -- take the shortest route from A to B. Leave early so you don't hit traffic (then stress when you do anyway). Try to time the traffic lights (then curse when someone else's driving messes it up). Get angry anytime you have to wait. Believe that you did everything you were supposed to so that life would go a certain way and blame God that He did not deliver. And when the resentment is about to boil over, have a few drinks and behave however you feel like. This is not to criticize my father. It is to "call a thing a thing" and learn from it rather than just going along with my early programming -- which is still amazingly strong. My father's father traveled a lot, and I don't think he spent much time with my dad. My dad learned that achieving got him attention and made everyone happy. He became a super achiever, attending Harvard University at age 16 and getting A+'s in math. Math is nice. It always works out. But then WWII happened, and his plans changed. Finances deviled him. My only example of watching him solve problems was when he helped me with my math homework. He was great at it. But day-to-day life problems were not handled calmly. He reacted with anger and I responded with fear. This is one reason I feel so strongly about the importance of the spirit in our lives. My heavenly Father is my ultimate Father, and I can follow His example. He can give me peace when the world is taunting me. He can fill me with light to get me through the darkness. He supercedes my earthly father. He is bigger than the alcohol, the anger, the resentment, and the impatience that I too struggle with.

I am still sensitive and I naturally respond with fear in the face of anger. And I am tempted to respond with anger and resentment when life is not fair. These are the forces of darkness that threaten my success. The war between darkness and light is not mine to win, but the battles inside my own mind are mine to face up to. I can't keep a bird from landing on my head, but I can keep it from building a nest in my hair. I am human and I am not impervious. I feel it when someone is mean. But my feelings can't run the show. They can run to God, and to my spirit, and we can decide together how to respond. We can learn. We can invite the lesson. And we can shake off the bad stuff we did not cause and can't fix. I'm not the master of the universe. God is. I can be the master of my thoughts. Even when things go wrong. Even when my hopes are crushed. I always have a choice. And, when I truly live each moment, I can remember that.