Love Levels

I heard Tony Robbins explain the four levels of love the other night and haven't been able to get it out of my head. Level 1 -- Baby love. I want something. You give it to me. Waaah. Totally one-sided. Level 2 -- Horse trading. He also called it "whoring." You give me something, and I give you something back. As long as the deal works for us, we stay with it. But if the deal becomes unbalanced, you're out. Level 3 -- true, unconditional love. I love you through thick and thin, in sickness and in health, and I value you. You value me. Level 4 -- Something like service love. Like Nelson Mandela spending his time in prison planning how he will serve the world when he's out. Let's go back to that second one. Horse trading is also called "whoring?" If you're truly just trading horses, I don't think that is the same as trading your body for money. I think there are gray areas here. However, it hit me between the eyes that I have considered relationships based on the deal that is offered. A nice dinner for a kiss goodnight. Trading time for money in general. Viewing the deal as "what's in it for me?" In other words, would Donald Trump be as valuable to women without his money? Would Heidi Klum be a hot model if she looked like Margaret Thatcher? That feels like commoditizing people. And it feels icky. I have felt commoditized by employers before. Like I'm just a number. If they can get the job done cheaper, they will. Their decisions are driven by their business goals and the all-important profit margin. If I make more money for them than I cost, I'm of value. For sales people, that is easy to define. For writers and other artistic types, not so much. Great singers get dropped from record labels when their product sales dip. Their life's work is quantified, and the quality is not a factor. Quality is in the eyes (or ears) of the beholder. I find this a very inhumane and uncomfortable truth. This is when I say "I don't have a business mind." Maybe it's that I can't find the humanity in the business mind. I don't want my next career chapter to be based on horse trading. I want it to be based on love. Is that possible? I think so. I have seen it, I think. I want to live a life based on service and spirituality, not ego. I want to be more about giving than greed. More evolved than elitist. More down-to-earth and less dogmatic. More socially conscious than socially stunted. Dreamer. Yep. And proud of it.

Do the Right Thing

Two words that can make me slip up on this one are "even if." In every situation, I know the right thing to do. It may not be the thing I want to do. It may not be consistent with how I feel. I may fail. But I know.

I've been treated with dishonor and unfairness many times over the course of my life. I actually have a harder time "behaving" when one of my loved ones is mistreated. That brings out the protective "mama bear," which I learned from my mother. I want to play Dirty Harry and take the law into my own hands. I want to retaliate. I have had revenge-filled fantasies.

That response may be appropriate at times. While walking my dog by the school in my neighborhood, I observed a big kid picking on a smaller kid. The smaller kid was crying and shaking his fist. I just stood there with my all-knowing and empathetic Golden Retriever and looked the big kid in the eye. The big kid approached the smaller kid and put his arm around him. Justice wasn't mine, but I felt that my witnessing served a purpose.

I believe we are here to help each other. But I must discern which battles are mine and which are not. I am not God. I can't make anyone else do the right thing. But I can pray that they will. And I can respond appropriately. I don't get to retaliate or have a tantrum. Behaving badly is, well, my bad. Lecturing is probably pointless. I can calmly state how I feel. Then I need to let it go.

Harboring resentment is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat. People will not always do what I want them to do. I still want to do the right thing. Even if they hurt me. Even if they steal from me. Even if they do not follow through on their promises. What goes around comes around. And I am not the administrator of that process. Somehow it all works for my good when I trust that God is in control. But some days, it's really, really tough.

Be Still

Did your parents ever tell you to be still? Mine sure did. And my heavenly Father tells me that too. "Be still and know that I am God." I don't think He is referring to vegging out in front of the TV or with a spy novel. I think the message is to meditate in a spiritual way.

This is not my nature at all. I like to DO rather than BE. This principle is not limited to any specific religion. We are human beings, not human doings. So many things fill our time -- work, chores, family, activities, etc. It's rare to have "down time." When we do, we are often tired, and instead of taking quiet time to reflect, we flip on the TV, surf the Internet, or whatever else we do to turn off our brains and wind down.

Sometimes I take that time to talk with Bob. I like hearing about his day, what he's feeling, etc. It's tempting then to discuss "to do's," like making a dentist appointment or picking songs for our next gig, etc. It's so easy to let the focus on "doing" infiltrate our "nondoing" moments.

I once heard the concept of listening demonstrated this way. Have someone whisper in your ear while you are talking. Do you hear what the person is saying? Listening requires being quiet. If we are going to listen for divine guidance, we need to be quiet.

If you're anything like me, you have more things to get done in a day than you can possibly do. I feel like I'm always behind. I often feel like the most important things get squeezed in between the mundane things like eating, cleaning, taking care of the pets, laundry, grocery shopping, etc. As Stephen Covey says, we often major in minor things. So I think I'm going to outsmart the system. How can I shop less often and make it more efficient? How often can I afford take-out? Is there a dinner I can make in 10 minutes? Can I send my dog to day camp today? If I don't get the house dirty, I won't need to clean it as much. Mindgames.

How about this. Take quiet time each day. Meditate on what matters most. Accept that a lot of minor things won't get done, or won't get done perfectly. Breathe in quiet. Breathe out stress. Breathe. Chill. Be still.