Skinny isn't Everything

I've lost 18 lbs. since last November. That's a lot for a vertically challenged person. Now that I'm at my "ideal" weight, I've had some revelations.

1) I'm still the same person no matter what my weight is
2) A stressful and sedentary desk job is an ideal situation for gaining weight
3) Loss of income is an ideal situation for losing weight
4) No matter what my weight is, health and self-acceptance are the truly important things
5) Now that people comment on my weight loss, I wonder if they were thinking before that I was really fat
6) I don't judge anyone for their weight and I won't join in discussions commenting on someone's weight
7) It is more fun to try on clothes when I'm happier with my weight
8) Losing the weight goes along with losing the negative self-talk about needing to lose weight
9) Losing weight is all about calorie reduction

There's no mystery to how I did it. I consumed significantly fewer calories. I decreased my portion sizes. I didn't eat between meals. I made healthier food choices, including yogurt shakes and salads. I was exercising about the same amount before and after the weight loss. If I crave something sweet, I just have a few bites. After a few weeks of withdrawal, I became full and content on less food.

It's so important to accept yourself as you are, make corrections with gentleness, and focus on being healthy. It's not about image. It's about being happy on the inside. Peace out.

Envy

So I wore green on St. Patrick's Day for nothing -- I could have worn my jealousy on my sleeve and been suitably bedecked. Envy, jealousy, coveting -- a blog topic by request. I wish I had something truly original, but I must quote Dr. Laura on this one. She said "no one gets two full sets of dishes." I think that's a variation on "The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence." (back to green -- how convenient) What would be considered "two full sets?" How about a stellar career, the intimate relationship of your dreams, loving children and a gorgeous home. (I would call it both love and money) And for how long -- all your life? I think what Dr. Laura is saying is that there are times you need to choose -- take the job that requires traveling for the money but leave your family -- or downsize your life because the money isn't flowing and risk finding out your mate loves the money more than she loves you. So one set of dishes is more important than the other set.

Then...we look at other people and make assumptions. That can really give us green eyes. But we rarely see them in proper perspective. Someone who looks wealthy may be up to their elbows in debt. A happy marriage could be a nightmare behind closed doors. Or that job could be lost, and that wonderful spouse could die. (getting dark here...)

So I default to the only attitude that works for me -- gratitude for each day, recognition that nothing belongs to me and remembering I'm not entitled to anything. I have this day. In every day there is much to be grateful for. Monthly payments and regular paychecks counter this way of thinking, to be sure. Worry be gone. Thankfulness -- bring it on. Envy is a choice I choose not to make. And if someone is envious of you -- maybe she needs a reminder of all she has to be grateful for. Like having a friend who cares enough to help her see that.

Waiting

Someone says he or she will call but not exactly when. So you wait. Makes no difference whether it's after a date or a job interview. Waiting is waiting. For a friend of mine, it was the call that never came after what seemed a successful first date. Mr. not-so-wonderful had planned another date and then did not call or show up. We seriously wonder if he met with foul play. He probably will if he decides to call after all this time now.

I'm waiting for the "after the interview" call. My phone is with me every minute. I think. Yet I still miss calls somehow. But not "that call," not yet. It's tedious. I suppose it's character building. Life goes on. I wo-wo-wo-wo-wonder. For now I'm going to throw on something green and celebrate my heritage. Oh no -- I have to wait one more hour. Ok. I can do that! Happy St. Patrick's Day everyone!

Rocks

Bob and I took a drive through Hidden Valley and stopped outside a prominent billionaire's ranch. There were expansive green fields with white fences, a mansion, stables and many huge "rocks" -- boulders really -- imported from Thailand. They had to be shipped rather than flown in because they were too heavy to transport by air. (How I know this is a topic for some other time) I would guess each boulder is at least 20 feet tall. Those rocks are a metaphor for the stumbling blocks in my brain. Sometimes I just run into the same rock over and over...I know I've been there before but can't remember the key to getting around it. I feel stuck and a little crazy. I know people care about me, are praying for me and I can be hard on myself. I'm often seeking the answer in too small of a box. "Will I get this job? What will I do if I don't?"

Then I had an epiphany. A "zoom-out" experience. I still have value even if I don't get "that job." I matter even if I don't make money. My value is not in my achievements. My value is in who I am -- because God made me, and he didn't make no junk. I was forgetting that and falling prey to "toxic achievement syndrome." (I made up that term) There's nothing wrong with achieving or having goals. A wise person told me to "work toward your goals and pray for your desires." What's not healthy is holding myself accountable for achieving all my goals AND my desires. I create my own stress when I blame myself for what is out of my control. I strive for quality and get frustrated when I do not achieve perfection. Thus the beating of my head against the boulder.

So I'll keep swinging the bat. But I won't beat myself up with it.