Rocks

Bob and I took a drive through Hidden Valley and stopped outside a prominent billionaire's ranch. There were expansive green fields with white fences, a mansion, stables and many huge "rocks" -- boulders really -- imported from Thailand. They had to be shipped rather than flown in because they were too heavy to transport by air. (How I know this is a topic for some other time) I would guess each boulder is at least 20 feet tall. Those rocks are a metaphor for the stumbling blocks in my brain. Sometimes I just run into the same rock over and over...I know I've been there before but can't remember the key to getting around it. I feel stuck and a little crazy. I know people care about me, are praying for me and I can be hard on myself. I'm often seeking the answer in too small of a box. "Will I get this job? What will I do if I don't?"

Then I had an epiphany. A "zoom-out" experience. I still have value even if I don't get "that job." I matter even if I don't make money. My value is not in my achievements. My value is in who I am -- because God made me, and he didn't make no junk. I was forgetting that and falling prey to "toxic achievement syndrome." (I made up that term) There's nothing wrong with achieving or having goals. A wise person told me to "work toward your goals and pray for your desires." What's not healthy is holding myself accountable for achieving all my goals AND my desires. I create my own stress when I blame myself for what is out of my control. I strive for quality and get frustrated when I do not achieve perfection. Thus the beating of my head against the boulder.

So I'll keep swinging the bat. But I won't beat myself up with it.