Darkness and Light

I wish I were wired to debate well and make arguments that win cases. Kind of. I admire people who do that well. I was a fan of Ally McBeal. My Dad loved Perry Mason. I'd like to make a case for my faith. But it feels wrong to approach it that way. Spirituality is mysterious, a matter of the soul and heart, not just a cerebral concept. I understand people who are wired that way. I just don't speak that language very well.

What I know is my story of faith. I was not raised to go to church. In fact, my Dad called the Bible "preposterous." He was referring specifically to the Virgin Mary bearing a child. How could God create a child through other than tangible human means? Well, to my thinking, if God created the heavens, the earth, and humans, the immaculate conception was in line with all of that. So I started seeking answers for myself.

I would have to say that I met the devil -- the darkness of life if you will -- before I understood about the good side. Our home life was not peaceful. My Dad was not a happy person. My early teenage years were rough. I was immersed in the culture and peer pressure of the 70s. I had a boyfriend who was mean to me. Alcohol and drugs were common pastimes. I just did not know what I did not know. And I wanted what I wanted -- all the things the culture encouraged me to want -- beauty, popularity, love, coolness. I did not want to hang with the geeky "Jesus" kids, and I sure did not want to go to Sunday School. Why would anyone go to school on Sunday?

Yet I had a penny with the Lord's prayer on it stuck to my headboard over my bed. I wore a cross. I prayed every night. I visited churches but did not really connect.

I noticed some people were different. My neighbor went to church. Her family was loving and close. A "Jesus" friend of mine, Brian, stood up against abortion in a group conversation. He made me rethink my opinion. I had seen what alcohol had done to my Dad's life, and I did not want to follow that path. I had several hurtful relationships that caused me to seek therapy. My therapist led me to the "Adult Children of Alcoholics" 12-step program, and I discovered what it meant to put faith in a higher power. That gave me hope and understanding of a more spiritual approach to life. Seeking highs, love, and pleasure can be an addictive way to live, because there's never enough, you're always chasing. I wanted peace, self-worth, contentment, and to feel okay about who I am. I had lived in darkness and I saw what it did to my family. I was drawn to the light.

I've had a long life -- so telling the whole story is kind of tedious! Let's just say that inheriting two teenagers whose mother passed away led me that much closer to God. I came to believe that Jesus is Lord and Savior. I've had some stumbles along the way. I have turned from God at times, but I always come back. My soul is at peace.

I don't believe it's my place to preach, explain, or persuade. But I do encourage everyone to seek answers. Don't let the "religious" bad apples discourage you. They're like the fruit in Ms. Pac Man -- just there to distract you. I will always accept you, and I will always pray for you -- that you find answers, for health, for love, for whatever you need. I believe in the greatest commandment -- love God and love one another. Loving you, be blessed.