Do you REALLY want to?

Two years ago I was laid off from a job I valued and hoped to have for a long time. I did not see it coming. It had never happened to me. I had the job for two years, and during that time I had six different managers. The lady who hired me left after two months. The subsequent managers decided to keep me, until manager number six decided not to.

She seemed like a shark to me. But I was not concerned. I knew that no one else was suited to do my job. I had always been the one to stay while others were laid off, and I would get their work. I guess she decided it was more economical to send out my work to freelance writers. Or maybe she wanted someone else in my job. I'll never know. Because she did not talk to me. Ever. Not a word. She had someone else call me shortly before my layoff and ask me about my processes, since "I was so good at my job." That should have been a clue, I guess. I was always happy to share. I did not feel possessive of my information. I'll never know what really went on in the minds of those who decided my fate. It was clear that I had no say -- none at all. "They" had the power to take away my salary and benefits and put me in financial peril. And I was not the only one who was let go that day. I was not able to get my things. I had to come back another day to do that. That felt demeaning.

So...I did not want to cry. I told them I knew it must have been hard for them and wished them well. I wanted to believe this was part of God's plan for me and I would be okay. I stuffed the pain. To feel pain felt like giving away my power. But it delayed my healing.

I've always had an easy time finding work. Not this time. The employers who did want me clearly mistreated their employees. It's true. I lasted a week in a job where I indirectly answered to a lady who was clearly passive-aggressive, elitist, and micro-managing. And just bat-$hit crazy. I had no say. In most other employment situations, I felt like I had a voice. What had changed? Was I missing something?

Then I had a powerful conversation with a life coach. He listened to my life story and concluded that I was a "powerful mother f#$%%er." I'll edit that to "Pow Mo Fo." The use of that language was truly what I needed. Why was I giving my power away? What did I need to do? Work for myself, that's what!

So I decided to "do my own thing" in advertising and marketing. I had business cards made. I went to leads clubs and Chamber of Commerce events. Something was off. It was like rubbing sticks together and not getting any fire. I concluded that I wanted to want to. That's different from really wanting to. My heart was no longer in advertising. I knew it was in music. But I could not see myself "competing" with Carrie Underwood, Pink, or Lady Gaga. At my age? Hmmmm. What to do?

While sitting in my hair stylist's chair, she told me about a client of hers who teaches piano with a program called Simply Music. And voila! The answer came! I checked it out and I am on fire. I love it. I'm happy, fulfilled, and redeemed. I am immensely grateful.

I still write and record my own songs, and I perform here and there. And I'm helping others discover their musicality, which fuels my soul.

Was being laid off the best thing that ever happened to me? No, I think not. But if it had not happened, this new life might not have happened. I had to let go of the good to receive the great. You can't make room for something new without getting rid of something old. And I could never feel strong by giving away my power to a person who did not care about me. God cares about me. And he made me musical and powerful. He had a plan. I just needed faith to find it. It's not enough to "want to want to." I had to REALLY want to. And it has made all the difference.